


Returning

by Arcole



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 83,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22477222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcole/pseuds/Arcole
Summary: What if Ben reached Rey just too late to save her? What if he was the one left behind?This is sort of a reversal fix-it for TROS. Ben's POV. Happy endings do abound. Eventually!
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 132
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Kylo Ren caught up to Rey on a narrow strip of wreckage on Kef Bir, the last resting place of the second Death Star. He’d seen her struggle in the Emperor’s destroyed throne room, knew she was so close to uniting forces with him if for no other reason than to end the struggle inside herself. They were two halves of a single piece of the Force, his dark and her light, his light and her dark. 

He would not lose her this time. **“If she will not turn, you must kill her. You have no choice. She will only stand in your way.”** But Ren knew he would not have to kill her. She belonged at his side. She just needed to be convinced—at the point of his lightsaber if necessary.

Waves crashed around the pair violently. The blue of Rey’s blade sizzled against the jagged red of his as he pressed the attack. She went down to one knee as her lightsaber dropped from her hand. He finally had the advantage. She had to stop and listen to him now.

Then he heard it. 

_“Ben.”_

His mother’s voice surrounded him, warm and gentle. _“My Ben.”_ He turned. Leia stood before him, a glowing nimbus of light around her. She’d changed her hair, but remained ever regal, her elegant dress flowing from her shoulders, always the princess. She was older than he remembered. _“I know,”_ she said gently as if reading his mind. _“So many lost years.”_

A sudden silence surrounded him, droplets of water frozen in a spray before his face. Rey knelt before him completely still, her expression frozen in a dark mask of anger. She didn’t blink at the sight of Leia Organa appearing out of thin air.

 _“I made us a little time, but I don’t have long.”_ Leia stepped closer, turning her face up to his. She was so small, barely reaching his shoulder, but somehow her presence overwhelmed him. _“Ben, I know what you’ve done. I know who you’ve been. Just please remember this. You are my son. Always my son. And you have always had my love.”_

A plume of light sprang from her and enveloped him, her love for him made tangible. He was consumed by its depth and its unconditional nature. **“It’s a lie!”** the dark voice hissed, but her love burned the voice away. Her light was true and he leaned into it, welcoming it instead of spurning it. “Mom,” he whispered.

Leia smiled at him. _“I will always love you, my beautiful boy. My Ben.”_ She reached for him, but as her fingertips grazed his cheek, droplets of water hit his face from the wave breaking over the bridge. 

His mother was gone. 

Not just the vision of her. 

SHE was gone.

His mind reeled.

 _Mom?_ His mind reached for her but a gaping hole had sprung up in the Force. That constant pull of love and concern had always been with him no matter how hard he’d tried to ignore it, dragging his spirit into turmoil in the moments when he’d needed to be strongest, the most dedicated to his destiny. Her love had nearly dragged him off the catwalk at Starkiller Base.

Now it was gone, leaving a vast, cold emptiness inside him. _Mom?_ His blade dropped from his suddenly nerveless fingers. Rey caught it as it fell and followed through with her attack. Her thrust was true, piercing through his body just below the ribcage. _Mom?_ He blinked again, his vision going dim as his knees buckled. 

Rey gasped and caught him as he fell. Her anger evaporated as she felt Leia’s death as well. He could see it in her eyes as they mirrored the shock and grief he felt. Then Rey knelt beside him, waves of concern radiating from her. She placed her hand on his torso, and he felt a surge of power pass into him, the warmth of the Force filling his entire body, knitting his punctured lung, remaking the cauterized blood vessels. 

The swirl of black spots in his vision cleared as blood flowed once again to his brain, and her face sprang into focus. Her eyes were cloudy with pain and regret—for Leia? For healing him? For hurting him? He wasn’t sure.

Then she was gone as well, leaving him confused and alone. 

“Ben!” 

He turned. His father stood before him. How could he be there? He couldn’t lose his mother and then face his father again. 

**"He's not real."**

“You’re not real. You’re just a memory,” he declared defensively. 

“Your memory,” Han replied. His father looked at him with such sympathy. “Come home.” 

“She’s gone.” He made himself say it even though his throat closed up around the words.

**“You don’t have a home.”**

He didn’t have a home, not anymore. 

“No, son. It’s not too late. What she fought for is still around.” 

His mother’s love and his father’s forgiveness poured over him. Rey's healing still burned through his body. The dark voice argued, but for once Ben found the strength to ignore it completely and made his choice. The red lightsaber went into the water, the sound of the roaring waves drowning out the splash.

In his heart, Ben Solo went home. 

Somewhere ahead Ben felt the shift in the Force as Rey left the atmosphere, his connection to her stretching between them. “Rey,” he whispered aloud. She couldn’t face Palpatine without him. She didn’t know what she was getting into.

-0-

In the end, Ben had to admit he hadn’t realized what they were getting into either.

Fighting through the Knights of Ren to her side, he felt invincible once he’d reached her, right up until the moment Palpatine forced them to their knees with a simple gesture.

 **“You were a fool to think you could defy me. But you did bring her to me after all, didn’t you, my apprentice? Now I will kill you both.”** The voice inside his head echoed Palpatine’s as he taunted them.

He tried to break free of the Emperor’s paralyzing grip, reaching out for Rey’s hand with every ounce of strength, but Palpatine was indeed a master of the darkness. The renewal of the light inside him felt puny as the Emperor reached into him and began to feed.

Rey screamed. Their energies momentarily united and he tasted what it might feel like to belong to her fully, but that taste was ripped away along with his very life. Agony ripped him apart as Palpatine’s withered form fleshed out fully before his eyes. Then his vision went dark.

He dragged himself back to consciousness, reaching for Rey.

The Emperor’s voice was in his head from the moment he woke. **“You cannot save her, foolish child! You are weak! And you have failed for the last time!”**

He fought against the fear inside him. If he could touch her, connect to her, they might have a chance. But before his fingers reached hers a wall of force slammed into him, knocking the breath from his lungs and launching him backwards into the cavern that yawned behind him. He struggled to pull the Force around him but all his control had been ripped away. He fell helplessly for what seemed like forever, still only barely conscious, before slamming onto the rocks below.

Sharp agony shot through his entire body. He gasped for breath, his ribs screaming. Probably cracked, maybe broken. His right leg was twisted at the knee. He tried to stand, but it wouldn’t support his weight. His head felt like it was splitting open. The world spun around him and he could barely breathe for the knife of pain being driven into his chest.

Above him, he could hear the sound of crackling lighting and the sizzle of a lightsaber. Rey was up. He could feel her. He knew she wouldn’t give up. He could see her, but her image in his Force vision was so faded, so weak until the second lightsaber leaped into her hand. She was fighting back. He began to climb.

His fingers bled and burned. His muscles screamed. His knee felt like it was full of shards of glass.

**“You will never reach her.”**

He had to get to her. The sounds of conflict roared above him, the clash of the awful power of the Emperor’s darkness and Rey’s incredible light. He could feel Rey’s life being poured out into the effort.

**“She will die and there is nothing you can do.”**

He had to get to her to help her. Together the two of them could do it.

**“You have failed her.”**

Awful screams echoed above him.

 **“You will never---"** The abrupt silence was so complete he nearly lost his grip on the narrow finger holds of the wall. For the first time in his life, the presence that had whispered to him, goaded him, directed him, deluded him was absent from his consciousness. Gone. Dead. She’d done it.

But something was wrong.

He was almost there. With a growl he pulled himself over the edge, gasping for breath against the sharp pains in his chest. Rey lay on the floor ahead of him, unmoving.

He couldn’t feel her.

An icy wave of desperate fear ran through him. He limped and struggled to her side, barely noting the disintegrating body of Palpatine.

She lay on her back, lightsabers on the ground. Her eyes stared at nothing. He launched himself to the floor, pulling her limp body into his arms. He pressed his face into her hair.

Then he stilled himself and concentrated on the Force around them, the light and dark always at play. It wasn’t too late. It couldn’t be.

He closed his eyes and called on the light as he began to redirect his life energy. He would give her everything he had, whatever it took to bring her back. He moved his hand down to her side, but instead of meeting the solidity of her belly, it passed through. The weight of her body resting against him just evaporated. He snapped open his eyes just in time to see her fade away, her clothing collapsing against him like the empty cocoon of a butterfly.

“Rey,” he breathed in horror. “Don’t leave me. Please!” The bond that tied them faded into nothingness, the hole inside him all-encompassing now. 

Around him the statues of the ancient Sith began to crack and break. The Emperor’s throne crumbled to dust. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. He should be the one to die. Not her.

“Why?!?” he screamed, his broken ribs sending agony through him. He gathered her clothing into his arms, desperate to hold onto whatever was left of her.

The world was crashing down, his only consolation being that soon it would crash down upon him as well. Her scent still hung in the folds of her tunic. He breathed it in and prepared to die.

_“Ben. Get out of here.”_

The voice came to him, insistent and purposeful. “Mom?”

_“Go, Ben! This is not your time.”_

“She’s gone. You’re gone. Dad’s gone.” His breath caught in his chest. “It’s all my fault. Please let me die too.”

A faint shimmering blue image of Leia knelt beside him. _“I can give you a little time to get out, but you have to hurry.”_

“No.” The dust motes in front of his eyes had frozen in the air. The sounds of falling boulders had gone silent.

 _“Ben Prestor Naberrie Organa-Solo!”_ The sound of his full name coming from his mother struck him hard enough that he pulled out of his grief long enough to hear her next words. _“If you ever want to see Rey again, get up and get moving. I can’t hold on for long!”_

“What do you mean, ‘see her again’? If I want to see her again, I will die here and now and become one with the Force. I will see her there,” Ben retorted, grief and anger making his voice rougher than he intended.

Leia’s hand brushed across the hair that fell into his eyes, her touch rustling the strands lightly. _“Are you so certain you are ready to become one with the Force?”_ Her smile was sad.

Ben hung his head, knowing that anger, fear, and loss still burned inside him. Was the light strong enough yet to take him to her side? “No,” he admitted.

_“Then get out of here. You will see her again. But you have to go. Now!”_

He gathered Rey’s clothing and both lightsabers and stood as best as he could manage. Leia’s image shimmered before him. _“I love you, sweetheart.”_

“I know,” he replied, finally allowing his eyes to meet hers fully. “Deep inside, I always knew.”

She smiled at him then pointed toward the exit. _“Now get your ass out of here!”_ And the loving mother turned into the determined general.

He limped forward a few steps, gritting his teeth against the pain in his ruined knee. Rocks and dust hung suspended in the air around him. In all his days of using the Force, of pushing his abilities as viciously as he could, he’d never even considered that a Jedi Master might be able to manipulate time. But if anyone could, it would be General Leia Organa.

He limped and staggered past the falling statues, aware that they were no longer frozen, just moving too slowly to see--at least at first. By the time the exit was in sight, rocks were falling almost too fast to dodge, dust moving quickly enough to choke him. His knee had grown numb enough to walk on it at least after a fashion and he tried to run. The ground began to rumble beneath his feet, threatening his already precarious balance.

Only feet in front of the ships, his knee failed to hold him and he fell, giving his broken ribs a hard, agonizing jostle. He nearly lost consciousness, but the taste of blood in his mouth roused him. He hoped it was from a busted lip and not from a punctured lung.

He pushed himself up to one knee. Both ships sat before him. 

He considered taking Luke’s X-wing, but quickly dismissed the thought. Far too many memories good and bad were associated with that ship. 

But he did want the rest of her things. He didn’t want to leave any trace of Rey behind on this cursed planet. He pulled her large beige satchel from the cockpit. It was heavier than it looked. That appeared to be all she’d brought with her.

Then with a final grunt of effort, he pulled himself into the cockpit of his TIE fighter aware that he would be a target for the Resistance. Debris began to fall from the sky in earnest as the huge destroyers hanging low in the atmosphere continued to explode and crash. A sudden jagged shift in the Force ran through him as he felt the death of crew after crew, hundreds of thousands of stormtroopers meeting a sudden and violent end.

He wondered if any deserved mercy, much like Rey’s friend FN-2--he stopped himself. _“His name is Finn.”_ He could almost hear her voice. 

He’d never allowed himself to feel the loss of life before like that. It chilled him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered to the Force around him. “I’m sorry.”

The hatch closed over his head and he plotted a course that would take him out of the atmosphere and far away from Exegol. But to get on course, he had to dodge falling debris, rebel fighters, and–his eyes widened—a sky full of freighters, cruisers, barges, all manner of civilian craft.

“Mom, you won. Look at that. They’re all here. You won.” Inside him a little boy with a New Republic banner cheered.

Beneath him, the giant floating monolith crashed as the cavern finally collapsed fully on itself, dragging the X-wing into the chasm that he knew filled the giant chamber. The Sith were no more. And the lightsabers in Rey’s bag whispered there were no more Jedi either.

His ship beeped at him. “Yes, I am injured. I would appreciate care.” He settled back into his seat and concentrated on dodging debris and rebel ships as the medical unit began to poke at his injuries. The first injection eased part of the pain in his chest. He ran on instinct, checking his coordinates, navigating the tricky path back out of the Exegol system. 

The medical unit did its job well. Soon he could flex his knee without much pain and could take a deep breath without feeling like Rey was stabbing him in the chest again.

Rey.

Her bag had fallen open during a particularly hard maneuver and some of the contents had tumbled out into the floor of the cockpit, including a small hand-made doll. He picked it up and stared into its tiny embroidered eyes. 

Rey.

Who made this for her? Her mother? 

Images he’d gleaned from Rey’s memories pressed back into his consciousness. 

_A woman knelt beside Rey and pressed the doll into her hands. “We’ll come back for you, Rey. We promise we will come back for you.”_

But they had not. Instead only a hundred yards from the slaver’s hut, the couple had been taken at gunpoint to a ship. Rey had clutched the doll to her chest and cried as the ship blasted out of sight.

Overwhelming fear, loneliness, and sorrow clung to the little figure, imprinted upon it by the powerful emotions of a strong Force user. He became aware that tears were flowing down his face.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered to the little doll. “So sorry for everything.”

 _“Ben.”_

He sat bolt upright, his ribs screaming in protest.

_“It’s okay now.”_

“Rey?” he whispered into the darkness of the cockpit. Stars streaked around him against the inky blackness of space. He clutched the doll in his fingers.

But there was no answer. “Rey!” he screamed out into the void. “Where are you?!”

The blackness hung around the ship, the only sounds that of the beeping medical unit who warned him he would undo all its repair work if he didn’t keep still. A familiar rage rose inside him, but instead of tearing the cockpit apart in fury, he pressed the little doll into his chest, soaking up all its misery and adding his own. The medical unit continued to beep its warnings as even the vacuum around his ship filled with his despair.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Finding a place to land after Exegol turned out to be far more complicated than Ben thought it would be. The major hyperspace lanes were flooded with Resistance friendly craft riding the high of the defeat of Palpatine’s Final Order, causing him to take much longer and more hazardous routes through known and unknown space to get anywhere. Then he had to think of a destination that might still allow a First Order TIE to land without turning him over to the Resistance on sight. 

In the end, Cantonica’s reputation for catering to both sides of any conflict won out. At last the city of Canto Bight glowed in the darkness ahead. His eyes were gritty and the landing lights blurred in his vision. The med unit had beeped at him regularly for the past 36 hours, warning him to stay hydrated, reminding him that he hadn’t slept. He’d considered disabling it with his fist, then took a few deep breaths. That’s not how Rey would handle it, he reminded himself.

At last he landed the TIE ship in a quiet hangar off the main flow of traffic and wiped its trip log. It wouldn’t take long to sell it, not with this many weapons dealers in one place. A few words to the hanger boss started the process.

He limped down a side street, his right knee still weak, catching the eyes of a few passersby who quickly looked away. Some even crossed to the other side of the road. When he caught sight of his reflection in a shop window, he understood why. 

The last few days had marked him. His black clothing was torn and covered in dust. Dried blood matted his hair and left rusty smears on his neck. His eyes were swollen, red-rimmed, and blood shot as if he’d spent the last two days crying. 

Worst of all, he looked exactly like he felt—lost, haunted, hopeless. If he were to tell someone he was Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, they would laugh at him. There was no way this broken pitiful creature had once commanded legions, had crushed planets into submission, had slaughtered cities full of innocent people . . . had ended the Jedi. And all to fulfill some perverted vision of his destiny. 

Nausea rolled through him at that thought and he dodged into an alley to lean against a building and dry heave, suddenly very aware that he hadn’t eaten in days. The effort made his knees weak, and he pressed his forehead against the smooth cold stone until the world stopped spinning around him. 

He pushed away from the wall and began looking for the nearest lodgings, suddenly desperate to get out of the public view. A few blocks away, he opened an ornate door to reveal the foyer of a very expensive hotel. The stone floors glistened with streaks of gold and copper and his boots left dusty prints as he walked across it. Kylo Ren would not have cared, but the man he was now felt certain his mother would not approve. For the first time in a very long time, he didn’t fight that feeling.

“Sorry about the dust.” The apology to the desk clerk probably didn’t sound very sincere, but at least it was an apology. “I need a room. One with a very large bath. And food sent up. Lots of it.”

The angular face of the being across the desk gave him a disdainful look of chilly appraisal.

No, he apparently did not look anything like a commander of legions at the moment. Instead of indignation, he felt relief instead. He simply pulled over the registration keypad and input a long string of code.

As his creditworthiness scrolled up the screen of the desk, the clerk blinked their double eyes, then covered their astonishment quickly. “At once, Mr.?” They leaned forward in anticipation of a name for the record. 

To his surprise, the name “Kessel” slipped through his lips without hesitation. His dad would have laughed. 

The clerk summoned the service droid. “Show Mr. Kessel to his room.”

“Of course. At once. Follow me, please.” The silver service droid’s intonation reminded him of C3PO. He reeled beneath the sudden flood of memories and his steps faltered. 

“My apologies, sir. Would you like me to carry your luggage?” it asked. 

He shook his head and twisted the strap of her bag tighter in his fist, unwilling to part with it. The droid led him to a large corner suite on the top floor of the building. He placed Rey’s satchel on the oversized bed and took the keycode from the outstretched silver hand. The droid’s head tilted briefly in apparent communication with the desk and said, “A selection of appetizers and beverages is on its way to the room along with a full menu. I have also been instructed to advise you of our laundry facilities. . . if needed, of course.”

He took the hint and promptly stripped, wincing at the pain in his knee as he removed his boots. “Have these cleaned and mended,” he instructed as he passed over his filthy garments, then added, “please.”

“At once, sir,” the droid responded politely.

Once the droid left, he locked the door and headed into the bath. The desk clerk did well—the bath was large enough for him to float in, an indulgence shipboard living never allowed. As the tub filled, he checked his injuries in the large mirror. His chest was still black and blue on his right side, now turning a sickly shade of yellow. He poked at it. It was tender but otherwise healing well. His knee was a little puffy and painful, but held his weight. Then he reached up to his face. 

The scar across his face and collarbone was gone. 

His chest was bruised and scraped raw in places from his recent injuries, but the long slash Rey had burned into him on Starkiller Base had healed completely. So had the smaller burns on his arm and shoulder. 

He checked other places. He still bore the scar on his lower back from one of Snoke’s more abusive training sessions as well as a nasty white line on his left thigh from the spear of a very accomplished Ts’ung’a warrior who’d gotten past his defenses. He even still bore the mark on his left side from Chewie’s bowcaster shot at Starkiller Base. But all the injuries Rey had given him had been erased from his body. 

Her gift to him. An apology? He ran his hand down his now unblemished cheek and wished he still had it, evidence that she’d been there, her mark left on him forever. 

He stared at the stranger in the mirror. A man he didn’t know. That man just stared back at him, haunted, haggard, and drawn. 

And filthy. The dust of Exegol coated his entire body. The bath was nearly full, the water steaming. He turned away from the mirror and paused at the edge of the giant tub. If he stepped into it, he would wash that dust away. It would be gone. In a few days the marks on his body would heal and fade as well, like none of it had ever happened.

But it had. He’d lost everything. Keeping the dust wouldn’t bring any of it back. 

He stared down at the water for a long moment, then took a deep breath and forced himself to step in. The recirculation pumps began the process of washing the legendary planet of the Sith right into the sewers of Canto Bight. He lay back until he was nearly submerged. Cleansing particles loosened the matted blood from his hair, and the now clean strands stretched out in the water around his head, brushing his face. The warm water washed around him. He instructed the lights to dim and let himself float, the water covering his ears, masking out sounds. 

Quiet. 

So quiet inside his head. That constant driving anger and lust for power was gone. Once, the tension inside him threatened to tear his spirit apart. Now all was quiet. He felt vacant. 

He was simply a collection of empty places in the Force. 

“Mr. Kessel?” the droid beeped through from the door. “Your meal has arrived.”

“Leave it. Lock the door behind you.”

Moments later it beeped again. “I have your clothing.”

“Leave everything on the bed,” he instructed, never moving in the tub. “Lock the door behind you.”

“Of course.”

He floated and breathed and tried not to see the holes inside him. After all, he’d spent the past two days weeping into the vacuum of his life. He needed to face the truth. He had no one. He had nothing. He was nothing. 

_“Not to me.”_

He struggled to his feet, sending a wave of water splashing over the edges of the bath. “Rey?” He cast out his feelings into the Force, seeking the bond between them, willing it to him, one hand outstretched, reaching for her with all his might. Water streamed down his hair and into his eyes, blurring his vision. He closed them. 

“Are you there?” Silence filled his head. “Rey, if you can hear me, answer me.” 

More silence. A memory? A twisted memory? His mind turning his words into hers? He decided he didn’t care. “Talk to me. I don’t care how,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. “Please.”

The Force rippled around him and his eyes snapped open to see a shimmering blue form in the doorway of the sleeping room. 

“You!” Ben snarled as he snatched up a towel. “Of everyone who could show up right this minute, why in the name of creation is it you?”

Luke had already turned away. _"How about I give you a minute?”_ his uncle commented lightly and vanished.

Ben told him exactly what he could do with himself as he climbed out of the water, his weak knee almost buckling in his haste. He pulled out a robe from the rack. It was clearly meant for beings far smaller than himself so he threw it down and grabbed a few more towels instead. He rapidly dried off and pulled on his now cleaned clothing, his hair still streaming into his collar. 

_“All in black again. Now you look more like yourself,”_ Luke commented as he reappeared in the sleeping area. 

Ben glanced at himself in the mirror. Did he look like himself? Did he feel like himself? He shot a glare in Luke’s direction and plopped down at the table where the droid had left the selection of appetizers. He began shoving the closest food into his mouth indiscriminately. “Go ahead and say whatever it is you’ve got to say,” he said between bites. “I don’t really have any choice at this point but to listen.” 

_“Well, isn’t that a change! Ben Solo finally listening!”_ Luke quipped lightly and took a seat across from him at the table. 

“That isn’t fair!” Ben raged, slamming down his drink so hard it sloshed out over his knuckles. “I was a child, you were a Jedi Master. How could you not feel what was going on inside me?”

Luke leaned over and sighed. _“I could, son. I could feel this dark profound evil, emanating from the child of my sister and my best friend, my own nephew. Ben, I could see it behind your eyes when you were a baby. Worse, so could your mother. She’d seen what you would become and she put her trust in me to fix you.”_ He shook his head. _“I failed. I failed you in every way. My actions made you what you became and for that I am sorrier than you will ever know.”_

His uncle’s words hung in the air a long moment. 

Ben spread his hands on the table before him. The marble top felt cool and solid beneath his fingers. “You couldn’t fix me, Master. As long as he was inside my head, no one could have. You did all you could.” Ben surprised himself by meaning the words. 

_“You were too easy a target for him, powerful in the force, the grandson of his greatest apprentice and the child of his worst enemy. The fact that you were my pupil made it all the more perfect for him. He could use you to bring about his return and exact vengeance on us.”_ Luke’s voice was full of deep regret. Then his tone lightened imperceptibly. _“But while his attention was on you, it was off Rey,”_ he said gently. _“ Apparently, he could not sense her easily. If not for you, he would have certainly targeted her, a child alone, without family, without instruction.”_

Ben had gotten a glimpse from Rey’s mind of a version of herself that she’d confronted on the Death Star wreckage--a full Sith warrior, relentless and evil. Would she have become that person as assuredly as he’d become Kylo Ren? Would he then have been tasked as a Jedi Knight to find and kill her? 

“If I had to become Kylo Ren to keep her safe, it was worth it.” His Rey was full of light and hope--a hope she was willing to fight for, to die for. 

He took a deep shuddering breath and continued, “When I met Rey, she could see inside me. She saw something in me that wasn’t him, something better.” He felt tears well in his eyes.“It’s so hard, Master. I hate who I’ve been.” A memory of his father’s face, eyes wide with shock, pain, and disbelief, flashed before him. “Maybe that voice drove me, but I did those things. Now that I don’t hear him anymore, I don’t know who I am. I still feel responsible for Kylo Ren, but I am not Ben Solo either.”

“Rey knew who I was and still believed in me,” Ben added as his uncle nodded in agreement. “She saw something better. Now I can’t hear her either.” His eyes burned, and his throat grew tight. “I’m so alone. I just want to feel her again. I need her to tell me who I am.”

Luke reached over and patted his arm. The touch was ethereal, but there. “That is your first lesson. You have to discover who you are for yourself. And like it or not, Ben, part of you is still Kylo Ren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have played a bit with travel times in this fic, mostly because hyperspace travel in TROS seemed to move at the speed of plot instead of adhering to the previously determined concepts. So it takes longer to get places than in the movie. I find this a tad more realistic and really like the idea of the hyperspace lanes and the issues with moving through space at faster than light speeds. I mean base light speed still means years of travel between systems. So we're already going at a pretty darned good clip!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Ben’s mind reeled at his uncle’s words. “No. I can’t still be Kylo Ren. I won’t.” But Luke was gone. “Master!” he called. “Luke!” Silence. He cursed. It was very much his uncle’s style to drop some cryptic instruction then vanish, leaving his pupil to figure it out. It had infuriated him as a child, and as it turned out to be just as infuriating as an adult. 

He turned his attention back to the food but found that his appetite was gone. Instead he stripped out of his clothes again and crawled into the bed, the sheets cool against his skin. He pulled a few pillows beneath him and lay spread out across the surface, taking up practically the entire mattress.

He used to fear sleep when he was small. From his earliest memory, he regularly woke up screaming from night terrors. As he grew, the terrors gave way to being simple nightmares, but rarely a night passed when he didn’t wake with a start at least once, his heart pounding. Sometimes the Force sent him visions, light and dark mingling together, sometimes more terrifying in their power and inscrutability than the nightmares.

Sometimes he’d dream of a girl. He’d see her surrounded by dust, sometimes bright orange, sometimes dark gray. He’d see a blue lightsaber before her face. He’d see a red one. He couldn’t see her face clearly, but her eyes always pierced through him as if she could see inside him.

The instant he’d heard that the droid had escaped Jakku with a girl, he knew it was her. His girl.

After their first confrontation on Takodana, he hadn’t slept for two days, afraid of the visions that he knew would come now that she’d seen into him. After Starkiller Base, he’d gone nearly a week, pulling on his reserves in the Force to keep him lucid.

Then he’d seen the Force vision of her across the medical bay. The bond between them surged to a new level. Maybe she hated him, but somehow she was always with him, and he wasn’t afraid to sleep any more. He welcomed whatever visions the Force wanted to send, knowing that for the first time he wasn’t alone with them.

But now as he lay there, his body beaten and weary to the bone, he fought sleep once more. He feared a night without her to share the burden of the universe.

_“You can do this.”_

He wanted to fight the voice of encouragement. How? He’d never been enough by himself. How could it possibly be different now?

He got no answer, but instead of fighting, chose to close his eyes. He fell asleep almost immediately. 

-0-

_Across the galaxy there was turmoil. A vacuum had formed in the destruction of the Sith stronghold on Exegol. Light and dark rushed to fill it. Both the Resistance and the First Order were leaderless with the deaths of Leia Organa and the disappearance of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. Planetary governments moved slowly, too slowly for the inspired populace who’d seen the destruction of Palpatine’s fleet with their own eyes._

_Chaos ruled. A new order must rise._

-0-

When Ben woke, it was mid-day of the next day. He sent for food, then dressed. His room display flashed notification of a waiting message. The hangar boss had a potential buyer for his TIE fighter, a buyer willing to part with a hefty sum in exchange for a First Order weapon of this magnitude. 

A sudden attack of conscience hit him, and he replied that the TIE was no longer for sale. He wasn’t sure what he would do with it, maybe dump it in the Sea of Cantonica. Then again, if he planned to leave the planet, he’d need a ship and at least the TIE was fast enough to outrun trouble. Then he remembered just how tight that cockpit was for long journeys and groaned.

The one thing he knew he’d need was clothing. He was pretty much down to one set of mended thick black under-armor suiting. Wearing it felt comfortable since he’d worn the same kind of suiting just about every day for the past several years. But without the layers of armor and overtunic he felt exposed and incomplete somehow. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, running a hand through his hair. His eyes were still ringed with dark circles, but on the whole he looked healthier than he had the day before. If he went out in public, what were his chances of being recognized? The Knights of Ren never went unmasked, a fact that he’d always loved. But for several months between the loss of Starkiller Base and his ascension as Supreme Leader, he’d allowed the broken pieces of his helmet to lie in a corner of his quarters on Finalizer and had walked the ship without it. 

But unless members of the Finalizer crew showed up on Cantonica, he guessed his appearance was secret enough and left the room, locking the door behind him. That didn’t stop the constant feeling that he was being watched as he headed through the lobby and into the street. He turned into the nearest shop and hastily purchased some nondescript clothing, most of which he requested be delivered to his room at the hotel. However, he kept out a thigh length dark blue jacket that did a decent job of disguising his suiting and covering the lightsaber he’d clipped to his belt. 

He felt a little uncomfortable carrying his mother’s Jedi weapon but leaving the room without the familiar weight at his hip just wasn’t an option. Part of him missed that red blade with its cracked kyber crystal and open vents. It was savage, broken, and angry just like him. Part of him still felt that way. 

His mother’s lightsaber was a good deal lighter and smaller in his hand. The crystal at its core felt like her, not as blue as Luke’s, more tinged with periwinkle. He missed her. 

“I hope you don’t mind,” he whispered to her spirit as he pulled his jacket over the hilt. 

One of the large casinos on the square boasted a giant holocaster which replayed footage of what they were calling the Battle of Exegol. With every Star Destroyer explosion, gathered crowds gave a half-hearted cheer. 

“So much for that contract,” he heard one man mutter as he walked past. 

He found a tavern just off the main thoroughfare and claimed a secluded booth in the back with a private holocaster and began to scan the news reports for details.

As he expected the HoloNet was inundated with various reports of clashes with the First Order on planets like Endor and Bespin . . . and Jakku. He had to pull them back. If not, hundreds of thousands of civilians would die for no reason as the First Order fought to the death, not to mention all of those on board, some just as disinterested in the war effort as Finn had been.

His Supreme Council had been all but annihilated when Pryde’s Steadfast had come crashing down at Exegol. However Finalizer had not been reported as destroyed, which meant Domaric Quinn would still be alive. Ren hadn’t trusted the man to be on the lead ship after he’d questioned the Sith Eternal—or perhaps he had trusted him all the more and taken him out of harm’s way. At this point he was no longer sure of the true motives behind any of his decisions. 

Quinn had been a junior Imperial officer when the Empire fell the first time. He’d seen the rebuilding efforts of the New Republic. He’d been instrumental in creating the First Order, perhaps just to have a sympathetic place to land. Ben understood this.

Those ships were full of young people who’d never known anything but a trooper’s existence. They lived together, worked together, played together, and served the First Order together. It was all they knew, and he was still their Supreme Leader no matter how he felt about it.

He reached out with the Force to assure himself that he had privacy and placed a secure communication to the Finalizer. After a moment of dealing with a subordinate, General Quinn’s image flickered into place on the disk before him.

“General Quinn, I must speak to you in private.” He tried to channel Kylo Ren’s imperious tone, but it felt false. When Quinn turned to the comms officer to transfer the call to his quarters just off the bridge, Ren took a moment to breathe and center himself. He could not show a flicker of the doubt he felt.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Quinn bowed, but winced as he did so. Ren recalled the abuse he’d given the man in their last meeting. He wanted to apologize but knew that was the wrong approach, at least at the moment.

“The Sith Eternal is defeated. Every ship at Exegol has been destroyed by the Resistance,” he began without preamble once their connection resumed. “Send out a secured call to rally the remains of the fleet at Titan station. Every vessel. I will not allow my ships to be picked off one by one,” he stated as firmly as he could.

“Sir, are we going into hiding at Titan? Is this a retreat?” Quinn had the effrontery to ask.

Ren felt a familiar surge of fury at the man’s audacity to question him, but he backed down. “Call it what you will in private,” he replied solemnly instead.

Quinn shook his head. “Are you certain? We didn’t have the Sith before. Surely we can hold our own. They don’t even have a fleet.”

Ren sighed. “I saw the sky above Exegol fill with freighters and cruisers and barges and even luxury yachts all ready to fight and die to destroy us. They don’t need a fleet. They have hope. I know you don’t feel the Force, but even you have to sense that something essential to the First Order is gone—dead. The invisible glue that held it together has vanished. If we do not retreat now, the fleet will be destroyed piece by piece.”

“General Parnadee will not like this,” Quinn replied.

So Parnadee was not on Supremacy with Pryde. Interesting. “She will obey or find herself cut off from the First Order’s protection. Bellava has been on the ground too many times in too many crackdowns not to be known by the Resistance. Her image will be all over the HoloNet in no time as a war criminal. There will be no place to hide.”

A chill ran over him. This was true of himself as well. No one in the Resistance knew what happened below the surface of Exegol. They did not know of Rey’s sacrifice, her victory. They did not know that he stood by her side, for what little good that did her. All he’d done was provide the other half of the energy from the dyad to bring Palpatine back strong enough to kill her.

He schooled his features as carefully as possible against the sorrow that rose inside him, wishing once more for the disguise of his mask. “General, we must unite to survive. You’ve seen the Empire fall and the New Republic emerge once already. Once we have our position at Titan secure, we can decide how to proceed. Until then, any ship that does not retreat will find itself vulnerable to the uprisings happening all around us.”

And good riddance to them. He half hoped Parnadee would mutiny against him. He didn’t trust her and couldn’t see any way to turn her ambition into usefulness in the new order that had to rise from the ashes of the First Order.

Ren fixed Quinn with as hard and cold a stare as he could manage, sending tendrils of intimidation through the Force to his position, feeling them connect to the man, not enough to hurt him but enough for him to feel the tingle of darkness around his chest. He saw Quinn’s eyes widen a little in alarm. “Now, General, I expect my command to be obeyed. All ships must pull out of their positions immediately and rally at Titan station. The captains will meet at my pleasure in a week’s time.” 

“Yes, Supreme Leader. At once.” Quinn bowed again.

Ren dismissed the holo with a wave of his hand, aware that he was not wearing his gloves either. That would not do. If he wanted to take apart the First Order piece by piece the way it should be done, he would have to command the respect and indeed even the fear he’d induced as Kylo Ren.

His stomach turned at the thought. He didn’t have to do this. He could run. He’d done his part to save the fleet from annihilation. Let them live or die on their own. 

Then he saw the trap he’d laid for himself. If the fleet was not destroyed, others would rise up to lead it. They would rebuild it just as Snoke had built the First Order from the remnants of the Imperial Fleet. Perhaps there would be no great evil in league with the dark side to spearhead it all, but he knew his generals and admirals well enough to realize that there was enough evil and unbridled ambition for power in them to create a navy large enough to terrorize the galaxy for generations to come.

He had no other choice but to stay with the fleet as Supreme Leader, to keep his hold on his officers tight. All he wanted was to be Ben Solo again, but the galaxy needed Kylo Ren. He pushed himself away from the table and exited the holobooth with a sigh.

He stopped back by the clothing shop and cancelled his order, exchanging the blue jacket that had reminded him of one of his father’s for the same jacket in black.

He glanced at himself in the mirror as he shrugged into it. He was tall and dressed in black like Kylo Ren, but his eyes betrayed him. They were still the eyes of Ben Solo, lost and haunted. He was definitely going to need his mask.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The instant he stepped into his quarters on the Finalizer, he was simultaneously assaulted by a sense of comfortable familiarity and deep dissonance. Of any location in the galaxy, this was the place he’d been most likely to call home, but he did not belong there any more in a deep, fundamental way. Being on the ship at all made his skin crawl.

He’d managed to avoid contact with anyone on board, primarily through the aggressiveness of his landing, the wings of his TIE barely missing an incoming shuttle. The hanger crew gave him a wide berth, and he stalked through the bay, his head down, trying to broadcast anger instead of anxiety.

But stepping back into his quarters felt like giving up.

His armor still lay in a pile on the floor beside his bed, right where he’d stripped out of it believing that he was finally free of Kylo Ren and everything he stood for. He’d only come back to Finalizer to get another ship so he could follow Rey to Exegol, to help her rid the galaxy of Palpatine at last. At the time he’d been glad the mask was gone. He never imagined putting it on again. 

He sighed in resignation and pulled up a list of all the ships that had survived Exegol, scanning down it for one name. The Knights of Ren ship Night Buzzard was among the lost. So much for having Albrekh build a new one. The regular trooper armor shop would not be up to the challenge. He needed his own back, or he would be found out and overthrown in a week.

The last time he’d had the helmet was on the TIE when he landed on Kef Bir. He’d pulled it off on the way there and had tossed it into the storage compartment beneath the seat. When Rey commandeered his ship and the holocron, she’d unwittingly taken it along with her. If he could find the TIE, he should be able to retrieve the mask. 

But where had she gone between Kef Bir and Exegol? he wondered. She’d shown up on the Sith planet in Luke’s old X-wing. 

A flash of realization ran over him. There was only one place she could have found that X-wing. He needed to know where Luke Skywalker had been hiding all those years.

He roared in fury and frustration, becoming the sudden epicenter of a blast of emotion that sent all the loose items in the room hurtling into the walls. 

After all this. After all he’d lost. After all he’d done. 

None of it meant anything because he was right back where he’d started, searching for the lost piece of the map leading to Luke Skywalker. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.

When he opened them, he was standing on the crest of a small green hill in a wooded area.

_Rey stood before him. He could hear blaster fire in the distance._

_“The girl I’ve heard so much about,” he said, driven by the memory that now replayed before him. However, he held no weapon. No vocoder distorted his voice. He wore no mask, no armor. Instead of fighting, she smiled at him._

_“The map. You’ve seen it,” he recalled._

_She reached out her hand to his cheek and closed her eyes. He was afraid to close his own, but the green trees of Takodana fell out of his vision anyway to be replaced by the interrogation room._

_Her fingers still lay gently against his skin, her eyes still closed. “You’re so lonely,” she whispered gently. “So afraid. At night, desperate to sleep. You imagine an ocean.”_

_Rolling beneath him as if he were flying in to land, he saw the ocean of her dreams but more vivid than he’d seen it before. “I see it,” he whispered. “I see the island.” A rocky landscape spotted with stone huts and stretches of green grass drew nearer._

_They stood on the edge of a cliff now. A cool wind blew his hair into his eyes, and he could hear the roar of the ocean. “I’ve seen the map,” she assured him as she opened her eyes, her thumb running lightly over his cheekbone. Her hand moved to the back of his head, pulling him closer. “I’ll give it to you.”_

_As his forehead touched hers, the image of the star map flooded into his brain with a rush. He gasped with the intensity. The bond flared into life between them just as it had that day on Takodana._

_“I feel it too,” she whispered and a rapid fire series of images flashed through his mind—too fast to comprehend individually, but a vision of a future worth building nonetheless._

_“Rey, I’m afraid,” he admitted softly. “I’ll never be as strong as you are. I can’t be the leader they need. It should have been you.”_

_“Don’t be afraid,” she assured him._

_Her fingertips slid down his cheek. “You’ll never be alone.”_

Her words faded into silence as the vision/memory vanished, the warmth of her hand fading as the cliff was replaced by the dun-colored walls of the ship, the roar of the ocean with the hushed whir of machinery below deck. The bond was gone again. He wiped at his eyes.

-0-

He didn’t trust himself to hold any meetings, so instead left written orders to continue to assemble the fleet, start repairs, and refuel as needed, stating he would return in a matter of days and would expect a full report of the fleet’s readiness. He then dressed in his armor and long tunic, packed her satchel of gear into his duty bag, and had his TIE refueled and resupplied. All in all he spent less than an hour on board before departing again. Once Finalizer was at his back, he allowed himself to exhale at last.

The place he was headed was called Ahch-to, the stronghold of the Jedi. Ben had heard of it in legend and knew Luke had been searching for it, along with Exegol. He wished his uncle had found Exegol first, years ago. Then he could have confronted Palpatine while the ancient Sith was still weak, before he’d had the chance to twist into Ben’s head. Before Rey had ever been born.

The nav system of the TIE fought with him a bit on the coordinates, and in the end he had to lay in the course a piece at a time. Space should be space. Greater than lightspeed travel should bring a ship to a location in a predictable manner governed by the laws of physics.

But somehow the space around Ahch-to and Exegol didn’t behave like normal space. Reality went sideways as one approached. The pilot in him, son of the great pragmatist Han Solo, rebelled against the notion. The Force user inside him understood. Once again he felt caught between two extremes, torn by two different ways of seeing a single set of circumstances.

Between trying to convince the computer that the coordinates were correct and avoiding Resistance blockades, it took nearly two days to reach Ahch-to. It felt like two years. He slept fitfully in the cockpit seat, once again plagued by dreams, flickers of his past and his future, teases and threats from the force in equal portions. At last the planet came into view and he took the controls from the nav unit to fly in manually. He breathed and allowed the force to bring him around the planet’s night side and to the surface, settling in to land in the dark near a faint glow on the ground.

He’d found his TIE.

The inferno that had consumed it rendered the metal soft and malleable, the controls utterly destroyed. The ship had basically caved in on itself like a rotten melon, the last remains of the fuel still burning. He groaned. There was no way his helmet survived.

 _“Need this helmet, do you?”_ a voice squeaked at him.

He turned to see a small robed figure sitting on a low boulder, a walking stick across its knees. The blue halo of a Force ghost encircled it. The wizened face wrinkled into a look of curiosity, the pointed ears twitching as it gazed at him. Childhood memories clicked into place, stories barely remembered from bedtime tales.

He dropped to one knee, his head bowed before the creature. “Master Yoda.”

 _“Finally a Skywalker who shows proper respect,”_ Yoda said with a triumphant cackle of laughter. _“For it to be you of all people, Ben Organa-Solo, a great surprise this is.”_

He did not respond, but waited silently. His years of serving Snoke had taught him one thing very well--in the presence of a Master, speak when spoken to, answer when questioned. Otherwise silence was always the optimal choice.

 _“Come to Ahch-to for a helmet, did you?”_ Yoda repeated his question after several seconds of tapping his foot.

“Yes, Master. I left it aboard that ship.”

 _“When landed on Kef Bir you did.”_ Ben looked up at that, wondering just how much this particular Force ghost knew.

“Yes, Master.”

 _“Not wearing the helmet on Kef Bir, were you? Why not?”_ Yoda asked curiously, one eyebrow slightly arched.

“I did not need to hide my identity on Kef Bir. The person I came to meet already knew who I was,” Ben replied, wincing a little at the truth of that statement. Rey knew the truth of him more than he knew himself, probably from the moment they met.

 _“And who are you?”_ Yoda asked.

“I have no idea.”

 _“Sit. Tired your kneeling makes me.”_ Yoda gestured to a spot on a nearby outcropping.

Ben took the indicated seat and waited.

 _“Many things to many people you are. Much responsibility on your shoulders.”_ The Jedi master sounded sympathetic. _“Only now is your spirit free of the Sith’s influence.”_ He arched an eyebrow. _“Only now free of the Jedi as well.”_

“Why am I alive, Master? I tried to heal Rey. It should be her to lead the Resistance. I would have gladly given my life to her,” Ben blinked as a bit of smoke from the smoldering fire passed over his face.

 _“Ready to pass over the responsibility are you? You wish Rey were here to bear the burden instead?”_ Yoda asked.

“No!” Ben snapped. “I wish Rey were here to live. She deserved to live and be happy. She deserved to be with her friends and make a family of her own and live a life.”

_“With you?”_

Yoda’s question sliced into his heart. “I would have never been worthy of her, Master,” he admitted sadly. “She was right when she called me a monster. I am Kylo Ren. He will not die until I do because he is me.”

_“And who is Ben Organa-Solo?”_

“Also me.”

_“Jedi Killer?”_

“Me.”

_“Heir of Vader?”_

“Me.”

_“Padawan of Luke Skywalker?”_

“Me.”

_“First Child of the New Republic?”_

“Me.”

 _“Tiresome this is listing out your many identities,”_ Yoda complained. _“But the lightsaber you bear does not belong to any of these.”_

Ben looked down at his hip where his mother’s lightsaber still hung. “No, it does not.” 

_“Who will believe this one belongs to Kylo Ren?”_ Yoda asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“No one. But mine is lost on Kef Bir,” Ben explained. 

_“And for now it will stay lost, young Solo. If back to Kef Bir you go at this time, all you are trying to accomplish will be undone,”_ Yoda proclaimed sadly. _“Taken you will be and your fleet will live to fight on with great losses on both sides.”_

“Then I will not carry one,” Ben declared. “I will not risk any more lives if there is a chance to undo the damage I have done.” 

Yoda shook his head. _“What is Kylo Ren without his lightsaber?”_

“A target.” Ben understood the point the Jedi master was making. He was going to have enough trouble keeping order as it was. The savage red blade was as iconic to him as the mask and as necessary to maintain the role. 

_“Know what to do next you do. Who you are will come as you do what you need to do.”_ He hopped off the rock and gestured at a nearby hut. _“Find what you need in the hut you will. And up there,”_ he pointed to a path that climbed steeply up the hillside, _“the place you seek to do it is.”_

“Master Yoda, I’m not sure that I can,” Ben admitted, his voice thick with emotion. “There’s no going back. It’s the last thing I have of her, really of her.”

 _“Then use the other.”_

“No.” The response came right from his gut. On Starkiller, that lightsaber had rejected him and chosen Rey. Only she had any right to carry that blade. It was not his to alter in any way.

 _“Then do what you need to do. Understand your mother will,”_ Yoda assured him. With a light pat on his shoulder, Yoda faded back into the force. 

The glow from the still smoldering ship lit the way to the hut. Inside he found a small cot, a rough table with a pitcher and cup, and a wooden trunk. The lid creaked as he pushed it open. Inside lay his duty bag from the TIE with the basic essentials he’d thrown in it before chasing after Rey to Kef Bir. The bag also contained one of his lightsaber repair kits with all the tools and parts he needed for field repairs. Next to the bag was the helmet, the threads of red metal that bound the broken pieces glowing softly with an inner flame of their own. 

When he saw the burning ship, his thought had been that she was burning any memory of him. If so, why did she keep his belongings? Why keep that helmet of all things? The very emblem of Kylo Ren, the man she hated. 

Because he was Kylo Ren. Even as she hated that part of him, she still embraced all of him. He missed her terribly. 

He lay down on the little cot, trying to catch any scent of her left in the linens. “Rey, I know what I have to do. I just don’t know where I will find the strength to do it. Be with me. Somehow,” he whispered into the darkness. “Please.”


	5. Chapter 5

Morning dawned over Ahch-to with the cries of strange bird-like creatures. Ben pushed himself out of bed and stretched. He’d slept deeply and without disturbance for the first time he could remember. No visions, no dreams, no nightmares. If Ahch-to was always that forgiving at night, he could absolutely talk himself into staying. 

He understood Luke better. His master had faced the same kind of decision, whether or not to participate in the world and had chosen not to. Had Rey considered making the same kind of choice? 

If so, he wished she’d stayed in that little hut. 

Alone?

No, he couldn’t wish that on her. Loneliness was the first thing he ever sensed from her and the last thing he ever wanted for her. Maybe now, one with the Force, she wasn’t alone. 

He opened his duty bag to grab a ration pack and saw her satchel inside. Other than the moment when the doll had fallen out, he hadn’t invaded her privacy. But this bag was all he had of her, and he felt a sudden need to know more. What was so special to her that she carried it with her everywhere she went? 

He placed the bag on the cot and began to pull out the contents. 

The little doll. Her clothes from Exegol, still covered in dust. He ran his fingers lightly over them then laid them aside. A spare set of clothing, some basic toiletries in a smaller pouch, a roll of medium gauge wire, a spool of repair tape, a small knife, a length of lightweight rope, a basic interface unit--clearly repaired a number of times but well protected in a padded envelope, a canteen full of water, a roll of tools, and a nearly empty packet of food ration. 

He studied the ration pack curiously. He believed the powder could be combined with water to make some kind of bread-like substance but had no idea what the small green triangle might be. His trooper ration pack looked like a gourmet dinner compared to hers. What kind of life had she led on Jakku? Why was she still carrying a pack of rations from that sewer of a planet? Surely the Resistance had better to offer. 

As he held it he felt her fear in leaving Jakku. Carrying something from home had been comforting, even if it was a substandard ration. He ached for the little girl left in the desert by her parents. Who were they? How did they keep her hidden from Palpatine all those years? 

Their words whispered in his memory, or was it her memory still living inside him? _We’ll come back for you, sweetheart._

But they’d died instead, their bodies dumped in the desert. Nobodies. The son of the emperor had become a nobody, pretending to be just another scavenger. He’d somehow erased himself and her mother from the Force for Rey’s sake, to protect her from the darkness. Ben understood them. They made a hard decision, but for the right reasons. They were right to fear that dark power and what it would have done.

He looked at her belongings spread out before him. He was bound to Rey. Her energy had been intertwined with his for so long. But as he looked over her possessions, he realized he’d never really known her. He still didn’t. 

She should be here instead of him. She should be rejoicing with the Resistance, celebrating her win over the darkness both inside her and in the galaxy.

He put her things away carefully and stowed her bag inside his. Then he picked up what he needed and left the hut. 

-0-

The climb up the mountainside led to an ancient building, half open to the elements with age, but the frescos and tilework told a story he recognized. The first Jedi temple. 

He was overcome for a moment with awe, cast back to his days as a Padawan student. He’d read the legends. He’d studied the lore. He’d meditated with Luke to assist him in the search for new clues. This was it. His master had finally found it. 

And turned it into his refuge away from Kylo Ren and everything he stood for.

He passed through the remains of the central hall, then out a large gap into the sunshine. There he found a raised platform, rough around the edges, but practically glowing with the energy of the light side. It would be the perfect place for meditation he realized as he took in the spectacular view overlooking the island and the ocean. 

As he surveyed the area, he noticed a piece of fabric caught in some jagged rocks on the cliff face above, blown lightly by the breeze to wave like a light brown flag. He climbed up the rocks and realized it was a length of material that apparently had served as a wrap belt. He stretched up the last few inches to retrieve it. 

_Luke meditated, floating several feet above the boulder, rocks orbiting him like little planets. However, only his body remained. His essence had travelled far away, taking on corporeal form in a manifestation only rumored in the old legends, a way to be two places at once, the Force ghost made real and living. Such an effort would be deadly. And it was. The body fell and the clothes emptied as the Jedi Master became one with the Force around him._

Ben jerked his hand away as if burned, nearly losing his grip on the cliff face. That was how Luke came to him on Crait. And this was the price he paid to do it. How his mother must have mourned when she felt him go. 

And it was on him. Luke sacrificed himself for the Resistance. For Leia. For Rey. To keep him from destroying them all. Remembering this made his next task much more difficult. 

He gritted his teeth and pulled the belt free. Once back inside the main hall, he folded it and placed it in a sheltered spot. He wondered if someone else had retrieved the rest or if they’d simply blown away on the wind, vacant and empty, just like Rey’s had been. 

He walked back out into the sunshine and took several deep breaths to calm his emotions. He had a job to do. So he took out his tools and materials and placed them on the boulder. He laid one hand on the stone and felt the energy in this place, the light bolstering him.

It made no sense. Master Yoda told him this was the place for the work he had to do, but that couldn’t be right. He started to pick up his things and walk away, but a feeling of inevitability held him in place. Sometimes even light demanded a sacrifice. He sat down and went to work.

Carefully, he wrapped the hilt of his mother’s lightsaber in black, building out the grip to fit his hand better. Then he added an extension to the length to allow his two hands to fit and began to modify the exhaust. It was exacting labor. After several hours, he sat back and stretched his shoulders. 

He flicked on the periwinkle blue blade and made a few test swings. It felt good in his grip, balanced and nimble, just as he would have expected from her. The crystal sang to him in a voice like a long-forgotten lullaby. He allowed himself to fall into its embrace as he began the meditation. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into its energy. “Mom, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for this. I don’t think there’s another way. Please be with me. Help me.” 

He and the crystal drew even closer. “I promise to do the right thing with it. I will finish what you started, I swear. I will take down the First Order so completely that it will never be rebuilt. The galaxy will be free just like you wanted.” He meant the promise. He would eradicate Palpatine’s navy completely. 

But to do that he had to be Kylo Ren. And Kylo Ren’s lightsaber was not blue. 

The crystal began to resonate with him as he deepened the connection. Then he reached into its energy and twisted. Its light began to contort and bend as he opened himself to the darkness. 

He allowed himself to relive every moment he’d ever hurt her. He watched her feel Luke die. He opened his memories of Starkiller Base and felt her pain as he pierced his father through. He felt the moment his mother gave the last of her strength to reach him. He allowed the darkness that had broken her heart over and over to own him as he poured all his shame and guilt and fear and anger into the kyber crystal in the hilt. 

The voice in the blade no longer sang. Instead it howled, strangled and dissonant. He watched the lovely blue begin to bleed, but he knew he could not stop. He hated himself for doing it, but drove his pain straight into the gem. He gave in to the grief that had clung to him from the moment he’d felt his mother die, the deep, bitter remorse the vision with his father had only begun to heal, the misery he’d felt every second from the moment Rey had vanished in his arms. 

He hated himself utterly and poured every bit of that hate into the crystal until at last the boulder glowed in the light of a steady red beam. His entire body trembled. It was enough. It had to be enough. 

_“You know you can’t stop there.”_ His mother’s voice came to him softly.

“I can. This is enough.” He could just see the glow of her presence beside him.

_“No. You can’t. You have to finish the blade.”_

“I won’t,” he responded defiantly. 

Leia’s image manifested fully before him, her eyes full of tears. _“Sweetheart, you have to finish it.”_

“No, Mom. Please no.” The blade shone a steady blood-red beam before him, and his chest ached.

 _“I know you’re tired, but you do not have a choice. Make it your blade,”_ she stated firmly.

“I won’t hurt it any more!” he argued. “It’s all I’ve got left of you!”

Her expression shifted from sympathy to determination. _“You have the Republic. I sacrificed you for it. I saw you fall at the moment you were born, but I knew if you didn’t, she would. I_ let _you become Kylo Ren.”_

Her admission stunned him. 

_“I let you kill the man I loved, your own father, for the sake of the Republic. Because if she’d fallen, everything would have been lost. Palpatine would have ruled the galaxy for a thousand years with the power of his granddaughter at his side. A thousand years of evil dominating every living thing.”_ She bent down and spoke into his ear. _“I gave you up to this evil, my own son, my own baby, for the sake of the Republic. And I would do it again. Now finish it. Make this the blade of Kylo Ren.”_

The hurt and betrayal he felt warred with the logic of her reasons. Part of him knew why she was telling him this now. She was fueling the fire inside him, giving him the strength he needed. But knowing her reasons didn’t stop the deep betrayal he felt.

She’d known.

Every moment of his childhood suddenly sprang into new focus. Every look, every whisper behind his back when they thought he couldn’t hear them. The distance between them he never could cross. Her fights with Han. The long hours she spent trying to build something cohesive out of the chaos following Endor. The look of sad resignation on her face the day he left with Luke. She’d always known he was lost to the dark, and she just let him go.

He threw himself into the pain. He cried out at the injustice of it all that he had to be the one. He poured out his fury on her for the sake of the little boy who never slept, the child who heard voices inside him, the young man who couldn’t go home, the son who murdered his father. He raged at the mother who’d given her son to the darkness---all for the sake of the damned Republic. He gripped the hilt and poured all his rage and hurt into the crystal until at last it cracked, sending a wave of force through him that cast him to the ground unconscious. 

When he woke, the sun was setting behind the horizon, shedding a blood red light into the sky. The hilt of his mother’s lightsaber still lay in his hand, and he dragged himself to his feet. He shuddered as he thumbed the switch. 

The red blade snapped and sizzled erratically, a captured flame of crimson, exhaust jetting on either side of his hand from the crosspiece above the grip. 

The crystal thrummed dissonantly into him, its broken lullaby as angry, lost, and broken as the man who held it, just the blade for Kylo Ren. He switched it off again and clipped it to his belt, then headed down the mountainside once more. 

-0-

He barely paused long enough to put his bag in the TIE, tossing the helmet into the floor at his feet. He couldn’t leave Ahch-to fast enough. He turned all his attention to plotting his course, making the jumps from impossible point to impossible point until he returned to space that his nav computer finally recognized. He laid in the course to Titan and sat back in the seat.

Stars shot past him in streams of light as he dropped into hyperspace. He checked his ETA, still over a day out with all the route workarounds. He drank a hydration pack and tried to eat something. He checked in with Quinn. The fleet was nearly finished assembling. There were both too many and too few ships left. Too many to justify a quick surrender, too few to stand for long if the Resistance decided to push their victory at Exegol into a total annihilation. He would have to negotiate.

The thought made him ill. He was no diplomat. As a child, he’d listened to endless debates while lying on the floor in the back of auditoriums and conference rooms, bored to death by the diplomats’ ceaseless back and forth as they each spent hours stating and restating the obvious. As Snoke’s chief enforcer, his job was to tell the diplomats how it would be. The Knights of Ren demanded what they wanted and punished those who did not surrender. He couldn’t help wishing he was at least in a place of power in these negotiations.

He worried over possible scenarios for a few hours, but the diversion did not last. He was so tired. He knew he needed to sleep. When he hit the deck at Titan, he had to be a real leader or the entire fleet would fall apart around him. He couldn’t do that exhausted.

But he was afraid of the dreams that would likely feed on the wounds of his heart, still so raw from bleeding his mother’s kyber crystal. He closed his eyes and began to meditate on the stars around him, feeling for the tendrils of the force that connected them to each other. The cycle of life and death and rebirth began to resonate inside him on an astronomical scale, a scale that dwarfed the lifespan of a tiny creature such as himself. Finally convinced of his utter insignificance in the great scheme of things, Ben relaxed enough to fall asleep.

_He opened his eyes. The sky above him was full of stars. He leaned his head back against the metal plate behind him and let himself drink it in._

_“This is one of my very favorite places,” Rey said as she climbed up the side of the fallen AT-AT to join him._

_He realized he was reclining against part of the fallen walker, a makeshift cushion underneath him._

_“Sometimes I sleep out here.” Rey sat down in front of him, leaning back against his chest. He put his arms around her. She was warm and solid. Her hair was down and tickled his face as the wind blew it into his mouth._

_“I’m sorry,” she laughed and reached back to put it up._

_He caught her hand in his. “No. Leave it down.”_

_She brushed it to the other side, and he leaned his cheek onto the soft smooth strands._

_The night was quiet on Jakku. He heard only the sounds of the wind blowing across the dunes._

_She began to hum a little tune. He recognized it as a lullaby his mother had sometimes sung to him after he’d woken up from a nightmare._

_“Little baby, come to rest. All the birds are in their nest. The stars are wheeling up above. Sleep now, baby, in my love,” he sang._

_“There are words?” she asked incredulously and pulled away to look at him. “This is a real song?”_

_“My mother said she learned it on Naboo from my grandmother’s mother. She used to sing it to me when I was little,” he answered._

_“I thought I had imagined it. How do I know a lullaby from Naboo?” she wondered aloud._

_Pieces snapped into place. That was Palpatine’s home planet as well. “Your parents were probably from there,” he suggested._

_“Really?” she sounded excited. “And your family is from Naboo?”_

_“Some of it,” he answered._

_“We might be related! Maybe we’re fourth cousins!” she wiggled closer and lay back against him._

_“Maybe.” He tried to sound excited about it for her sake and wrapped her even tighter in his arms._

_“Sing it again. I want to learn the words,” she said._

_He began and soon her voice joined his, his dark baritone contrasting with her light soprano. As the melody rose from the side of the AT-AT, the stars wheeled overhead, just like the song promised._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this before I saw Marriage Story. Then I heard Adam Driver sing “Being Alive” and the ending scene took on an entirely new dimension. Kylo Ren/Ben Solo would not have been so unforgettable if not for the depth he brought to the character. Sigh.


	6. Chapter 6

Ren woke to the sound of the nav computer announcing his imminent arrival at Titan. He rubbed his eyes and blinked away sleep, pulling himself to alertness as his dream evaporated from his mind. As he dropped out of hyperspace, the fleet sprang into view. 

Of the hundreds of ships they’d once boasted, the fleet appeared to be cut by well over half. Pryde had ordered their two dreadnoughts and nearly all the destroyers to Exegol for refitting with the new weaponry of Palpatine’s Final Order. He presumed they were now lying in heaps of scrap on the surface. Only three of their Resurgent-class destroyers remained along with a much larger number of cruisers and assault vehicles—with about 400,000 First Order personnel to dispose of. 

However, on the whole the ships appeared to be in good shape. A few had fought heavy skirmishes off Cloud City and Endor, skirmishes that would certainly have escalated into all out warfare had he not called back the fleet.

He set down the TIE in the hangar of Finalizer, noting the numbers of fighters. They had more than he hoped for. He considered the amount of money the black market offered for his TIE at Canto Bight. There were plenty of warlords on the Outer Rim and even on some of the inner planets who would love to create a fleet of their own with this kind of firepower.

The only way to ensure that this did not happen was to make sure the fleet went where he wanted it to go. He pulled his helmet over his head the instant the ship hit the deck, not wanting his look of abject desperation visible to anyone. 

Crew began to run across the hangar bay to secure the ship and take his gear. It would look very out of character for him to carry his own things, but he suddenly didn’t want to be separated from Rey’s belongings. He tugged his heavy duty bag into his lap and opened it, his eyes scanning over her belongings. He would have to let them go. 

Impulsively he pulled the little doll out and tucked it in an inner pocket of his overtunic, patting it as flat as possible. Then he secured the bag just in time to pass it to the flight crew member who ran up to assist him. “Take this to my quarters.” The voice that came from the mask was so familiar and so alien all at the same time.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” the crew member replied as he took the bag and headed off in the direction of the senior crew quarters.

He took the opposite lift and went straight to the bridge. When the doors swooshed open, the various crew who glanced up to see who had entered, immediately turned their focus back to their stations, backs straightening. They all began to look extremely busy which was a wonder considering that the ship was basically docked.

“General Quinn?” he inquired of the officer of the deck.

“Summon General Quinn,” she snapped at the comm officer.

“I will be in the forward conference room. Send him to me.”

The woman had gone pale, her black uniform accentuating the pallor of her skin.

“At once, Supreme Leader.”

When he turned away, he could feel relief course through her. He extended his senses behind him as he entered the lift. The crew breathed out in unison as if a dangerous animal had simply wandered away.

Once he would have fed on that fear, used it to fuel his will as the voice inside him would whisper, **“Yes, they should fear you.”** Now the voice was gone and he had only his uncomfortable memories of Luke reminding him where fear led.

-0-

His top remaining staff sat around the conference table, arguing with one another.

“The Hutts? You would have us ally ourselves with the Hutts? We are the last remnants of the great Imperial fleet! I will not sully our legacy by openly consorting with filthy criminals!” Quinn shouted across the table.

Parnadee snarled at him. “Any port in a storm, Quinn, and in case you hadn’t noticed, it is pouring out there!”

“I still say we take the fleet and go back to the Outer Rim. We can take over a planet of our own and start our own empire. We can make a homeworld for ourselves,” Admiral Dunavant interjected.

“Turn into homesteaders on some barren rock? I don’t need a new homeworld. I already have one,” Parnadee snapped.

“Then why don’t you go back to it?” Ren asked.

Every eye in the room turned to him at the head of the table. He hadn’t spoken in so long that he believed they had legitimately forgotten his presence.

“I meant no offense,” Parnadee stammered, clearly put off by his question.

“None taken, General.” Ren allowed the mask to flatten any emotion out of his voice. An emotionless Ren would unnerve them more than an angry one. “Allow me to repeat my question in the interest of gathering information only. You have a home world. Why do you not return to it?”

“I would not be disloyal to the First Order. It took me in and trained me when I would have otherwise starved on the streets of Kuat. I don’t need a world,” Parnadee assured him fervently. “My home is the First Order.”

“And you are loyal to it?”

Parnadee flushed. He felt her fear spike. “Yes, Supreme Leader. I would give my life for the First Order.”

“I see that our first step is clear.” He rose and began to pace the room. “In looking back over the records left by General Engell before her unfortunate demise on the Legendary, just over one thousand stormtroopers have deserted in the past year.” He stared straight ahead to disguise the fact that he was reading their reactions with the Force. Several seemed surprised. A few felt terror, as if they’d been discovered.

Parnadee was furious. “Our training methods are unparalleled! This cannot be possible!” she fumed.

“Training or no, I have seen one of our troopers simply decide he was not going to fight.” 

_“His name is Finn,”_ Rey commented in his memory.

“We will redouble our efforts to screen. We will institute harsher methods of reconditioning,” Parnadee tripped over her words in her anger.

“We will let them go.”

His words hung in the air with Parnadee’s gasp audible in the silence.

“You can’t mean that!” she blurted. Ren gave an inward sigh and raised his hand. Parnadee began to clutch at her throat. General Quinn surreptitiously backed away from her.

“We do not need anyone in the First Order who is not as loyal a soldier as you, Bellava,” he said evenly as he let her go and lowered his hand. The minor demonstration had been enough to convince them of his bloodthirstiness. She took deep gulps of air and nodded vigorously.

“Besides, what better way to dispose of dead weight than to cast them off to the Resistance as a ‘peace offering.’ Let them rot in a New Republic prison rather than consume our resources.” Ren stated dismissively. 

“Supreme Leader, how will we convince them to leave? Deserters are shot on sight,” Parnadee asked, her voice a tiny bit hoarse.

“We offer them a chance to serve the First Order on a planet as homesteaders,” Ren replied derisively. “Those not cut out for life onboard will volunteer to make a homeworld out of a temperate planet with arable land that has just been discovered in the Unknown Regions.”

He glanced around the room with the force to see if his insane idea found any reception. To his relief it seemed to fly. He just hoped to the Force it would work.

-0-

To his utter surprise, nearly 10% of the stormtrooper complement volunteered. By the time the propaganda machine had finished spinning his tale of a First Order independent world, he was tempted to go there himself even knowing it was a fiction to weed out the less than committed.

That only left one task. Negotiation with the Resistance for their release. That meant talks. That meant facing Rey’s friends. That meant facing those who remembered Ben Solo.

He left the details to his staff, only mandating that the meeting be held in a neutral location with facilities to prevent either side from just pulling a blaster on the other. He had too much to work through with them for it to fall back into conflict. After much debate, the abandoned mining colony on Nera was selected as the location. He just needed the right people to attend.

_“Maz. Reach out to Maz.”_

Rey’s whisper passed through him like a light breeze. He hadn’t sensed her or dreamed of her since arriving back at Finalizer.

“I miss you,” he whispered aloud in the privacy of his quarters. “Please talk to me.” But there was no answer. 

So he followed her direction and concentrated on Maz. He hadn’t seen her since he was maybe twelve years old. But she’d given him enough contraband sweets that he’d never forget her. He pictured that tiny figure, those amazing goggles, her hands full of sticky treats. “Maz. It’s me. Ben Solo. I need your help.”

A faint shock of surprise. _“Ben?”_

“I need to see you. I need to meet with Rey’s friends. Come to the summit meeting.” Over and over he repeated the message. He got only silence in response. At last he rose from his meditation. It would work or it wouldn’t.

-0-

A month later he still waited for the diplomats to finish negotiating the start of the negotiations. His impatience and frustration grew daily, as did the restlessness of his crew. His troopers had been conditioned from birth to fight and with nothing to fight for or against, they’d begun to fight each other. In the end he’d instituted extra mandatory training to burn off part of their energy.

He’d also resorted to taking advantage of it himself. He hadn’t seen Rey. He hadn’t dreamed of Rey. He felt her absence profoundly.

He tried to center himself and listen to his own voice, remembering her words of encouragement—“You can do this.” But his officers didn’t want _him._ They expected Kylo Ren, and unfortunately they needed more than that. He’d never been much of a Supreme Leader. Instead he’d left everything to Pryde while he searched for Rey, the Resistance, the Sith wayfinder, Palpatine. He was having to learn to lead, and it wasn’t easy. He hesitated too often trying to discern the path that seemed bloodthirsty enough to suit his council, but still led to the eventual dismantling of the First Order fleet. 

If he didn’t want open mutiny, he knew he had to inspire confidence and loyalty in his crews.

So he began to train with them.

The main training arena of Titan station was not quite as large or elaborate as they’d had on Steadfast and certainly not as massive as on Supremacy, but it boasted a large raised viewing balcony, filled with off duty troopers from around the fleet who’d come to watch Kylo Ren fight.

Ren wore a black sleeveless vest, no armor, no mask. For once he didn’t want anything between himself and his surroundings. He took a deep breath and gave himself to the physical world, letting his body become one with the Force in ways his mind never could.

“Release,” he commanded the troopers standing around him in a large circle. The four small wedge-shaped attack drones in their hands leaped into the air, buzzing and darting about erratically. He ignited his mother’s lightsaber and took a defensive stance, the blade pointed straight ahead of his eyeline as he turned to take in their positions.

He felt the drones dart into range, one at his left shoulder, one his right hip, one above his head, one at his back. His mother’s blade swung to meet their bolts of electricity, pure instinct driving his movements. The now jagged and blooded beam sizzled as it passed through the air before his face while the drones careened around him, weaving and stabbing.

“Another.” At his order a fifth was tossed into the arena. To avoid being surrounded, he leaped on top of a stack of boxes, parrying the shocks directed at him, then backflipped to the opposite side.

“Another.”

The time between bolts from the drones shortened as the sixth entered the fray, leaving him less time to parry and forcing him to dodge as well. When one darted straight for his face, he leaned back out of its path, shaving off a piece of it with the lightsaber as it raced by him. A cheer went up from the balcony as the pieces hit the floor.

“Two more.” Eight faced him now, challenging his reflexes. They began to unite in their tactics, seeking to push him off balance. He hadn’t been this pressed since he’d fought the Knights of Ren on Exegol. The memory caused his attention to waver just long enough for one of the drones to sneak in a zap to his left wrist. It stung badly, but he leaned into the pain instead of shrugging it away.

His emotions churned—betrayal and anger, frustration and grief. He knew them well and drew on them, pulling away from the balance of the light and into the chaos of darkness. He snarled at the drones, at the past, at the present, at everything he was and everything he needed to be.

“Two more,” he snapped. He dodged and parried as the attack drones pounded him with everything they had. They tangled in his footing. They sent curtains of coordinated strikes that he had to leap and roll to avoid. He breathed more rapidly, his heart rate rising with the effort of keeping them at bay. He took a glancing strike to the hip and allowed the pain to fuel fury.

Hatred--black, consuming hatred—surged in him. He leaped off the boxes and rebounded from the wall to descend on the nearest drone with a downward cut right through its midsection. He took out three with a sideways slash that turned into a slide across the floor beneath two more, the lightsaber ripping through them. Their parts scattered with the ring of metal against the wall. The four remaining attempted to dart at his back, but he forward rolled to his feet, parrying their darts and slicing one on the right before tossing his saber to his left hand to skewer another attempting to flank him. The two that remained hovered momentarily together side by side like a pair of eyes, observing him, evaluating.

What did they see? An adversary? A target? A victim?

With a roar, he thrust his blade between them deep into the brain of his imagined enemy, then jerked the blade left, sending one to the deck in pieces.

Only one remained. The one he’d damaged first. 

It floated before him, sparks popping along the ragged edge of metal where he’d shaved off part of its weaponry. The last survivor of the fray. His wrist and hip stung, his lungs burned, and he could feel sweat dripping down his back.

What did it see now?

He took a step back and lowered his blade, his heart suddenly sick of battle.

He wondered if the drone was programmed to retreat in the face of such an unwinnable conflict. He thumbed off the switch of the lightsaber, and the blade powered down with an angry snap.

“Walk away,” he whispered. “Just walk away.”

Instead the drone dashed forward to take advantage of what it saw as an opening. Ren’s left hand whipped up in a defensive move, the Force pulsing out of it to meet the unit head on. His fingers formed into a gripping fist and the drone froze in the air five feet in front of his face. Its servos whined as it attempted to break free of what it had to interpret as some kind of tractor beam.

“Kill it!” An excited spectator blurted in the otherwise hushed stands. A murmur ran over the crowd, then someone else yelled, “Kill it, Ren!”

Soon chanted cries of “Kill, kill, kill, kill!” echoed through the room.

He hated this. He hated himself. He hated them.

The dark power surged in him and he squeezed. The crowd roared as the invisible hand crushed the drone into a ball with a squeal of metal and a shower of sparks. Then it fell to the floor with a clang and rolled to his feet.

His troopers cheered, “Ren! Ren! Ren!” as he left the arena.

-0-

He could hear himself breathing inside his helmet.

The transport shuttle settled on the pad and the ramp lowered. He allowed his trooper guard to exit, then followed a few steps behind, careful to keep up appearances.

He could hear his heart beating.

The meetings were to be held in a huge room that once housed containment fields for some of the more radioactive substances mined on Nera. To proceed to the final conference area, each side had to pass through one of the containment fields reworked into a detector to screen for weapons.

A set of large double doors opened into a wide hallway. Beyond that lay the conference room. As he entered the hallway, he instructed his troopers to stay behind. “I will speak to them in private,” he declared firmly, picking up the black case he’d brought along. If any of them considered challenging him, they wisely changed their minds.

The Resistance delegation had already arrived. He could see figures walking around through the shimmer of the weapons screen. He walked closer and noted the moment when they realized he was there, each looking up and turning toward the entry.

Maz was there, he noted in relief. And the rogue trooper—Finn. Beside him stood that pilot who had escaped custody and a young woman. Then pushing past them were two figures he never thought he’d see again. Chewbacca and his uncle Lando waited at the edge of the force field. He repressed the desire to touch his side, remembering the damage done by the not quite deflected impact of Chewie’s bowcaster the last time he’d seen him.

They all stood there, staring at him as he approached. He turned to the door behind him and with a gesture caused it to swing shut and lock. It was just them now. No observers.

The screen prevented noise from escaping as well but he could tell they were talking amongst themselves, likely wondering what he had planned in coming alone. They’d expected a guard with him.

The weapons drop table for his side of the hall was about ten feet from the final screen into the conference room. He could still hear himself breathing when he placed the case on it. He then took off his helmet, placing it next to the case. Then in full view of the Resistance party, he removed his gloves and his armor piece by piece, putting them on the table as well. He laid Leia’s lightsaber carefully on top, approaching the field in nothing but his black under-suiting. He held out his hands to show he had nothing concealed, took a last deep breath, and walked through, his defenses down completely.

“You piece of—” Uncle Lando began angrily, but Ben didn’t hear the rest. Chewie’s huge hand had already slammed into the side of his head and knocked him out cold.


	7. Chapter 7

Ben came back to consciousness to the sound of an argument. “Nonono, boyfriend,” Maz was saying. “You can’t kill him. But I think you broke him if that helps.” He blinked away the red haze of blood in his eyes and realized he couldn’t raise his right hand. He lay on the floor several feet from the doorway he’d entered through. Chewie glowered over him a few steps back, Maz’s hand on his arm.

“Looks dislocated,” the pilot was saying as he knelt next to him. He poked him in the injured arm, grinning at the groan that escaped Ben’s lips. “Hurts like a son of a bitch, doesn’t it?” He sounded gleeful. “I thought you were some kind of Force master. You couldn’t see that one coming?”

“He didn’t even try to stop it,” the trooper commented from the side.

The girl leaned toward him, her cold tone belying the softness of her looks. “Tell us what happened to Rey.” 

The pilot slugged him on the arm. “Yeah,” his voice turned hard as well. “Tell us what happened to Rey, asshole.” 

His shoulder felt like it was being ripped out of the socket, and his head still rang from the blow. He tried to sit up, but a boot landed on his chest and a man he hadn’t seen in a lifetime loomed over him. “Uncle Lando,” he whispered.

The boot pressed against him painfully. “Don’t you uncle me,” Lando snarled. “You killed Han. Your own father.” The weight grew heavier, driving the breath from his lungs. “Maz, give me one good reason why we shouldn’t finish this murderer right now.” Beside him Chewie growled in assent and stretched ominously.

“All right I will.” Maz pushed the pilot aside and stood across from Lando. “Rey,” she said firmly.

“What does Rey have to do with this?” the pilot asked incredulously.

“She says we need to listen to him,” Maz answered. “We don’t have to like him, but we do need to listen to him.”

“You’ve seen Rey?” Ben's sore jaw felt dislocated too as he tried to form the words.

“Who said you could talk?” Lando snapped at him.

Ben understood why they were angry, but their anger was becoming counter-productive. He pulled up a Force wall between them, using it to slowly push Lando away. He sat up and worked his jaw a few seconds, deciding it was not dislocated, then moved his awareness to his shoulder which most definitely was. He closed his eyes and with one sharp telekinetic effort thrust the shoulder back into place, sending a burst of intense pain through his body.

However, once he’d done it, his arm began to work again. He could reach up and wipe the blood from his eye. “We’ve got a lot of work to do before my guard gets too suspicious,” he stated. “Once this mess is behind us, I swear to you, Chewie, I will let you beat me to death for what I did to Dad. But you all are my only hope of breaking apart the First Order so thoroughly that it will never reform again. Deal?”

“Rey said we should listen to this piece of dorgoth shit?” the pilot repeated in disbelief. 

Maz nodded and took a seat at the conference table, then gestured to the rest of him to join her. 

Begrudgingly they each backed away and took a seat. “Maz, Chewie, and Lando I know, but I would appreciate names from the rest of you,” Ben began.

“Poe Dameron,” the pilot stated coldly. “We’ve met.”

The trooper gave Ben a hard glare. “Finn,” he said defiantly.

“Rose Tico,” the girl said, then leaned in toward him, daggers in her eyes. “First things first. Tell us what happened to Rey.”

Ben stared down at the dark red wood of the table, unable to meet the cold stares coming from these people he’d personally hurt very badly. He tried to call up a little of Kylo Ren’s confidence, but realized it was totally out of place. In the end he rubbed his hands on his thighs and let himself ramble. “It’s a long story. Too long for the time we have now. We were bound in the force somehow, probably because of who we are. Rey knew … things about me. She knew things I didn’t know about myself. We talked. And sometimes we fought. Well, most of the time. Anyway we fought on Kef Bir but my mom . . . Leia . . . she . . .” He had to take a breath. The room was completely silent.

“Anyway Rey went to Exegol to face Palpatine on her own. I went to help her, but he just used us to try to come back. Then he threw me in a pit and she was by herself.” Memories of that moment flashed over him—how hard he’d struggled to get to her, how he’d felt her die.

He rubbed his face with both hands and forced himself to continue, his voice shaking. “She did it. She defeated him, but it took everything she had to do it. By the time I got to her, she was already gone. I couldn’t bring her back. I tried to . . . I tried to heal her like she healed me but she vanished into the Force.” His heart pounded like he’d been running for his life. 

His hands ran into his hair, seemingly of their own volition. “You don’t have to believe me. You don’t have to stop hating me. But my mom gave everything to the New Republic. Rey died to stop Palpatine from winning. They saved me. Now I’ll do whatever it takes to be sure Palpatine’s fleet dies. It doesn’t run away to regroup for another day. It dies and everything he tried to do dies with it.” He couldn’t catch his breath. His throat ached. He closed his eyes and waited. 

“That’s pretty much how I remember it, but I tell it better.” 

Behind him.

His eyes snapped open and he spun his chair around to see her standing there, encircled by the blue glow of the Force, shining with light and hope, a smile on her lips and in her eyes. 

“Rey.” It came out more as a breath than a word. Everything that had died inside him on Exegol suddenly sprang back to life as he felt her with him again. A single sob of relief choked him, and he stared at her. “You’re here.” The words came out as a gasp. She stepped closer and placed her hand on his head. He could feel her fingers in his hair. 

Carefully, he reached out to pull her closer, unwilling to trust himself to stand or move. He felt her warm solidity almost but not quite against his skin, separated from him by the thinnest sheen of Force energy. She bent and kissed the top of his head and every scrap of composure deserted him. “Don’t go. Please stay with me. I can’t do this without you. I don’t know who I am without you. Please stay with me, Rey,” he begged. 

Ben pressed his face against her. He knew they were watching him fall apart, but he didn’t care.

“It’s okay, Ben,” she assured him. “I’m always with you. It’s going to be okay.”

“How are you here?” he asked. “I needed you so much. I missed you.” 

“Ben, I am so sorry. It isn’t easy to do this. I won’t be able to stay long,” she said sadly.

“But you’ll come back? I’ll wait as long as I have to. Just tell me you’ll come back.” He kept his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap so he could see her face. She was so beautiful. Her hair was down. He ran his hand through the soft strands. The blue shimmer followed them as they fell through his fingers. A memory flashed over him. They were looking at the stars and singing. Her hair was down then too. “Did I dream about you?” 

She smiled. “Yes. It’s easier to be in your dreams or your memories. But that takes work too.” 

“I can’t ever remember my dreams.” He raised his hand to her cheek, and she leaned into it. “But now I can see you again? Like this? You can come back to me again?” he half stated half begged. 

She shook her head. “Ben, it’s complicated. Finn will explain.” 

“Finn will explain?” he asked in complete disbelief. “What do you mean ‘Finn will explain’?”

Rey just took his face in her hands, a look of sympathy in her eyes. “Finn will explain because I am out of time. They will help you. You can do this, Ben. I know you can. I’m always with you even when you can’t feel it.” 

She leaned forward and kissed him. Her mouth was warm and soft, and for the briefest instant there was nothing between them, no Force energy, no distance, just her lips on his. For the briefest instant she was there, really there.

Until she wasn’t.

She faded again, vanishing from his arms just like on Exegol. He was losing her all over again, except this time the only thing she left behind was her taste on his lips.

“No!” He clutched at the empty air, left behind in that dusty, hopeless place, lost and alone once more. He put his head in his hands and wept savage, inconsolable tears.

-0-

Ben sat there, staring down at nothing, exhausted. They were talking about him. He didn’t care.

“Look at him,” Rose was saying. “He’s miserable.”

“Miserable doesn’t make him trustworthy,” Poe replied firmly. “I agree that he’s pretty wrecked. You can’t fake that kind of . . . awfulness. But you know who he is. I saw him have a whole village slaughtered. Finn saw him stab his own father to death with that lightsaber out there.”

Ben decided not to correct him. Instead he asked flatly, “Why can’t she come to me like that? I’ve seen Luke. I’ve seen Yoda. I’ve even seen my mom. Why can’t I see her?” His throat was still raw and his chest hurt, but his emotions had run their course.

Finn took a seat next to him. “From what she’s been able to tell me, she can only cross through the Force to us by anchoring onto a living Force user. Ever since she . . . died at Exegol, she’s been able to talk to me and to Maz for a few minutes at a time. She’d already filled us in on what happened.”

“So why make me tell it?” he asked harshly.

Finn sighed. “We needed to hear it from you. We needed to know if what you said matched up with the truth.”

Ben nodded. “So she anchors to Maz?”

“And me. I’m a Force user too, just not very strong yet.” Finn sounded proud and a little defiant.

Ben extended his senses toward the former trooper. The Force stirred past him like water flowing around a rock in a stream. That explained a lot, but not the thing he needed to know. “She comes to you. And Maz.”

Finn nodded.

“But not to me. I am stronger than all of you put together.” His voice grew louder and his fist clenched. “So why can’t she come to me?!” He realized he was standing and yelling at them. He hadn’t meant to. It had just happened.

Rose’s hand came to rest on his elbow as she spoke to him gently. “Because you’re like a black hole in the Force for her, Ben.” She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with unshed tears.

“I’m what?” he stammered.

“The way she put it, if she tried to anchor to you, she might not be able to go back. Your energy might keep her here,” Rose explained, pulling him to sit down again next to her. “You saw how strong the projection was. That was because of you. She’s never been able to touch anything or be anything more than a vague shadow to me and Poe when she anchors to Finn. But we could see her this time, just like she was really here.” Amazement colored her voice.

“She could come and stay then. She could anchor to me and just be here.” Ben couldn’t believe how easy it would be to have her back.

“Slow down,” Finn interjected. “She’s already thought of that. You’d exhaust your energy in a day. You’d die.”

“I don’t see a problem with that,” Ben stated. “You all want me dead. My own officers want me dead. Everyone comes out ahead if I die.”

Lando and Chewie had been watching from a distance, leaning against the far wall during all this. Chewie leaned over and growled something quietly to Lando who nodded and crossed over to him. “Kid, we don’t want you dead. We only ever wanted you back, and somehow I think you are. Chewie and I don’t know the guy who murdered your dad, but we know you.”

Lando put a hand on his shoulder, but the Wookie reached out and pulled him up and into a hug. Ben was six years old again suddenly as that big hand tousled his hair. They were wrong to forgive him, so wrong, but he couldn’t help the gratitude that coursed through him. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, his voice muffled by all that fur.

His father’s best friend let him go with an _I know_ in Shyriiwook.

“Besides, you have to keep doing what you’re doing in the First Order,” Lando stated. “Speaking of the First Order, I think it’s time we got down to business. I’m sure your guys are getting concerned.”

“I need the information files I brought with me,” Ben stated, glad to have business to undertake. He was emotionally exhausted.

“Be my guest.” Lando waved at the table beyond the field.

Ben walked through the screen and to the black case. He started to pick it up and take the entire thing, then decided against it. He opened the case. Inside was Rey’s bag with all her belongings and her clothing from Exegol as well as Luke’s lightsaber. He ran his fingers over her tunic, but he pulled the little doll out and left it in the case. He hoped no one would know it was missing. He then gathered up the information disks he’d brought and carried them, the lightsaber, and Rey’s satchel back to the conference table, casually dismissing the weapon field as he did so.

“You mean you could have turned that thing off any time you wanted?” Poe crossed his arms. “It’s just no fun fighting with you.”

Ben allowed a smirk to cross his face, as he passed Rey’s bag to Rose. “Rey left these things on Exegol when…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. Then he called Finn over to take the lightsaber.

“It was Luke’s and Rey’s,” he said. “It’s yours now.”

Finn reached out, then pulled back his hand. “I wouldn’t know what to do with it,” the former trooper said with a shake of his head.

Ben remembered a time not that long ago when Finn had challenged him in the forest of Starkiller Base. He’d actually done pretty well. “Rey will show you,” he said. “And if I can get out of this mess, I will too.”

Finn nodded and wrapped his fingers around the hilt with a little exhale. After a moment of contemplation, he clipped it to his belt.

“These,” Ben gestured at the disks, “are my plans to get about 10,000 troopers out of harm’s way and into your hands for resettlement.”

“Why on earth would we want to take on 10,000 storm troopers?” Lando asked incredulously.

Ben pointed to Finn. “Him. And the rest like him.” He handed a disk to Lando. “I want these out first. I’ve set up a schedule and drop locations. Just follow the directions. I’ve also added the locations of the children’s creches on the outer rim along with security codes to get strike teams in to take them over. It’s all on the schedule.”

“I know just the person to give this to.” Lando grinned and rubbed his hands. “I hope Jannah likes babies.”

Ben picked up the next. “This disk contains records of the troopers being evacuated as well as those still in the creches. Engel was a stickler for details and kept records of every child, when they were taken, where they came from, and who surrendered them.” He passed over a folded piece of paper to Finn, forcing himself to look the man in the eyes despite the deep shame he felt. “All I did was hard copy your file. I didn’t read it.”

Finn blinked a couple of times then took the paper with a curt nod, tucking it into an inside jacket pocket. Rose reached over and squeezed Finn’s arm with a smile.

“And this,” he passed over another set of disks, “is the list of all the remaining ships and crew complements that I need to split up and pass over to as many organizations as I can. I want to scatter them so completely they can’t reassemble.”

Ben outlined his plan with the group for reassigning the smaller ships and crews to as many above-board organizations and governments as he could. “I just want to keep First Order crews and weaponry out of the hands of the warlords and put them to work doing what they’re trained to do, unless they want to quit and do something else.”

The group just stared at him. “Wow,” Poe breathed at last. “How long have you been working on this?”

“Practically day and night ever since Exegol.”

Rose collected the disks and placed them into Rey’s satchel. 

They arranged for secure communications for logistics coordination. “So when do you want to meet again?” Poe asked.

“It’s on the schedule. Just after the last of the troopers leaves, and before you hit the creches,” Ben replied. A second meeting just to clarify the next steps had always been in the plan. But now he’d seen Rey and knew he could see her again. He had to meet them so he could see her one more time, just in case everything he was doing was somehow not enough.

Just in case he didn’t get another chance.


	8. Chapter 8

Ren watched the last batch of troopers board personnel carriers in the hangar of Finalizer, two hundred young men and women with anxious faces filing past him. The door closed on them sitting in silent rows, no longer in helmets and armor, but in black jumpsuits, their few possessions in their arms. Ren was uncomfortably reminded of Rey’s bag of essentials.

It had been three months since he’d seen her on Nera. Three months since he’d talked to her in anything but rare brief touches to his mind. Three months of nothing but work and silence and dreams he couldn’t remember. But mostly work as he coordinated with the Resistance to break up the fleet.

His last communication with Poe had gotten heated as Poe insisted he had no more governments, private firms, or even wealthy assholes to assign any more ships to.

“They are complaining that they’re getting ships staffed with two times the crew needed,” Poe informed him briskly over the secured holo connection. “Can you please not do that?”

“I have three Star Destroyers full of people that have to go somewhere,” Ben reminded him. “There are entire planets out there for people to live on. Just settle them somewhere decent.”

“Ah, there’s a problem with that. Your people have practically no skills. They’re like little ignorant babies,” Poe groaned.

“Hey!” Ben heard Finn take offense in the background.

“You know what I mean,” Poe commented over his shoulder to Finn, then turned back to Ben, clearly frustrated. “What did you do? Train them from birth to do nothing but shoot things?”

“Don’t blame me for trooper training!” Ben replied firmly. “I had nothing to do with that. At all.”

“So you didn’t train them. You just used them,” Poe snapped back.

Ben forced himself to take a deep breath before responding. “I see your point, but this isn’t helping any. I’ve still got thousands of troopers to dispose of before my senior officers figure out what’s really happening. I can’t just intimidate them with the Force forever.”

“We used to just blow you guys up. I don’t see why we can’t just keep doing that,” Poe ranted, pacing now and gesturing in frustration.

“You know why,” Ben retorted impatiently.

Poe leaned in conspiratorially, glancing back over his shoulder, then hissed, “They’re like demented babies. Well, some of them are. And they go nuts when you try to split them up.”

Ben sighed. “I know. They are conditioned to be loyal to each other and the First Order. But there’s not going to be a First Order, and it isn’t their fault. I am responsible for them, and I am not going to throw them away. Or let somebody just blow them up.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “Do what you can and we will pick up the rest when the shit hits the fan.”

They confirmed the schedule one more time and closed the channel. Ben stretched and rubbed his temples. Parnadee would be back any day from the random errands he’d sent her on. When she returned, there would be hell to pay. Then he looked down the list of possible organizations. He sighed and began to write yet another communication.

-0-

“Jinata Security has arrived, Supreme Leader,” the deck officer informed him.

Ren scanned the bay for the newly arrived transport. He met the representatives as they crossed the hangar bay trying not to look as eager as he felt.

“I trust your journey was uneventful,” he said, allowing the mask to add gravitas and remove inflection.

“It was indeed.” Donal Idzen gave him a guarded smile. “I was nothing but shocked to hear that the First Order wanted to deal with us after the unpleasantness at Vardos.”

Ren gestured toward the exit doors. “Circumstances have changed as you can see.”

“You are aware that we have no intention of renewing any contract with the First Order,” Idzen stated, only the slightest tremor in the man’s voice betraying his anxiousness. “I mean no offense, but your navy is all but destroyed. At any moment the truce between you and the New Republic will shatter. J-Sec will not be dragged into any kind of conflict trying to protect you. I have a business to run.”

“The First Order does not need your protection,” Ren commented, allowing a hint of intimidation to color his tones before backing off. “We have in mind something different. An exchange.”

“Of what?” Idzen sounded doubtful.

“We will provide Jinata Security with three light cruisers and their crew complement.” Ren allowed his words to sink in.

“That’s nearly three thousand people! How do you expect J-Sec to employ three thousand people?” Idzen stopped walking and stared at him. “And what in creation could I possibly offer in exchange?”

“All I want is for you to keep them busy and out of the way of the New Republic,” Ren replied easily. “Your business is keeping your clients’ goods safe from pirates, is it not?”

“A task that’s gotten much harder in the past three years since the First Order stopped patrolling the hyperspace lanes and diverted all its attention to trying to destroy the Republic. A total waste of opportunity and energy if you ask me,” Idzen declared but started walking again.

Ren led him out of the hangar bay to a conference room. He’d had this same conversation too many times already with more reputable security firms. It had hurt to have to contact Jinata. He didn’t trust Idzen but he was running out of time and resources. His next option would be to go to the warlords, and he wouldn’t do that.

When he’d first come to Snoke, his master had spun him a vision of order in the galaxy, a First Order that would ensure peace between planets. The Supreme Leader would halt the endless debate of politicians and ensure free trade and safe travel between systems.

It had been easy to believe that all that was needed was a stronger hand, a more powerful presence. After all, he’d studied his history. He knew how the Galactic Empire had been formed—over trade wars on Naboo. He’d spent his formative years listening to politicians debate for hours on end only to get nowhere. For all his mother’s teachings that the Empire had been evil, that voice in his head had always insisted it was effective.

As he laid out the details for Idzen, he tried to tell himself that at last the First Order was actually fulfilling the dream he’d had for it from the start. Free trade. Protection of the hyperspace lanes. Security of far flung mining operations.

He tried to tell himself he had done the right thing—that the First Order personnel he was redistributing around the galaxy deserved another chance, another life, even if it was working for a shady security firm. That they didn’t deserve the fate millions had met on Exegol.

In the end he negotiated an agreement with Jinata Security to bolster its security forces by engaging three line ships with their various support vehicles, including to his deep regret the support of three squadrons of TIE fighters as well.

“And you are sure you want nothing in return for this?” Idzen was saying again.

“Oh I do want something. I want your assurance that these ships and their crews will stay busy and stay out of trouble with the New Republic,” Ren stated.

Idzen gave him a sideways look. “Out of trouble?” he scoffed.

“You will not employ these ships or their crews in any business that could be interpreted as unlawful by the New Republic,” Ren repeated. “Do I make myself clear?”

“The First Order is worried about New Republic laws?” Idzen raised an eyebrow. “If Snoke were here—”

Idzen began to choke and levitate from his seat. “Snoke. Is. Not. Here.” Ren’s words were cold and deliberate and punctuated by a squeezing of Idzen’s larynx that he was not entirely in control of. The past few months had been a nightmare of lies and redirection and downright manipulation of his senior staff in order to cover his activities. He was simply out of patience with playing nice. 

“Do not make me kill you.” The mask intensified the hiss behind his words. “You will not employ these ships or their crews in any business that could be interpreted as unlawful by the New Republic. You will keep them busy doing the work they are trained for. You will allow any that want to leave for other employment to do so.” Idzen began to nod and clutch at his throat.

He let go of the man, dropping him the last six inches to his seat. “Agreed,” Idzen said with a cough.

Ten hours later, he watched from the forward observation deck as the last three of the smaller ships pulled out of formation and jumped to lightspeed. He checked his chronometer display. General Parnadee would be back soon. He hoped she would take his offer.

-0-

“Where is the fleet?” she demanded the moment she stepped off her transport. “I have been gone less than two weeks. Ren, what have you done with my fleet?”

“So it was your fleet, General Parnadee?” he asked darkly. The troopers flanking her all took a step back.

“Oh go ahead!” she dared, her fury outweighing her common sense. “Choke me to death if you must, but explain! At least explain to me what has happened to the First Order I helped build!” The general did not back down. He liked her better in that moment than he had in the entire time he’d known her.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he assured her. “Come with me and I will explain.”

“No.” She pulled a blaster from a holster hidden behind her back and held it on him. “I’m not going anywhere.” She gave a signal to her troopers, who levelled their weapons.

Ren sighed. “Fine.” Slowly he raised his hands to his helmet latches. The seal broke with a slight whoosh and he felt the air on his face. It was cool but not very fresh. “The air on a ship always smells bad, doesn’t it?” he asked her. “Not like on a planet.”

She looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Where’s General Quinn? Where’s Captain Dunavant? What have you done with our ships?”

“Captain Dunavant decided to retire to Cantonica. I believe he used his severance pay to purchase a nice villa on the coast,” Ren stated, running his hand through his hair and over his face. He needed a shave.

“Quinn?”

“Took a good offer in drive development engineering at Kuat Shipyards. He always was more of a technician than a tactician.” Ren gave her a half smile. He’d made a joke of sorts.

“You’ve lost your mind,” she declared, her eyes running over him critically.

“No. Just working far too many hours trying to get everything done before time runs out.” He hooked his helmet on his belt. It weighed him down. It always had. But, he thought gratefully, he didn’t have to be Kylo Ren much longer. 

She just stared at him, blaster levelled coldly. “You’ve destroyed the First Order.”

“The First Order died on Exegol when Palpatine died. I’m just cleaning it up for the sake of the rest of the galaxy,” he stated. “All I have left is the empty husks of three huge—” he threw out his hands in exasperation “—Star Destroyers and 4,560 . . .” he counted her guard “. . . one, two, three, four, five troopers. . . oh and your pilot. That makes 4,566 unplaceable individuals too far gone to set loose on an unsuspecting universe.”

“You’re insane,” she declared. “And no longer in command.” She fired.

He was so tired, so drained. There was a time when he would have frozen that bolt very dramatically in midair or deflected it with a flash of his lightsaber. Now, he just leaned out of the way and sighed. “I can’t let you kill me. I still have work to do.” 

The troopers leveled their rifles at him. Instead of collecting all their blasters with a dramatic wave, he just jammed the safeties on with a twist of his fingers. “It’s too late, Bellava. I gave you a chance to just run away. Why did you bother to come back?”

“Because I will not let this go. I will raise a new generation of soldiers, better and more dedicated,” she snarled.

He could not believe the woman’s blindness. “Dedicated to you?” he asked incredulously.

“To the First Order!”

His patience with her and with everything suddenly snapped. “There! Is! No! First! Order!” he screamed, suddenly very much Kylo Ren. Dark energy coursed through his exhausted body. His lightsaber leaped into his hand, the red blade blazing without his even touching the switch, almost as if it read his mind.

She tried to fire her jammed blaster again and again, backing away in obvious terror.

Anger roared through him. Every bit of his previous conditioning by the dark voices in his head activated in that moment and had him swinging at her neck with all his might. Only that little bit of Rey’s voice inside him diverted his blade instead onto a nearby tow unit. Once that rage would have driven him to destroy it with slash after slash of the blade, sending molten rivulets of glowing metal dripping to the floor. But that day he stopped at two.

He stood there, his breath heaving in his chest, his heart pounding, for a long count of ten. Then he turned back to Bellava Parnadee. To her credit, she covered most of her terror, only the widening of her dark eyes gave her away.

“Get back in your transport with your six remaining loyal servants of the First Order and go build your own army,” he growled. “Or better yet, go make something the galaxy actually needs. I do not want to kill you, but if you stay on this ship you will die.”

To her credit, she didn’t run. Instead she turned on her heel and gestured to her troopers to reboard. He watched her shuttle lift and depart the hangar, the airlock force field at the barrier flashing briefly as the ship passed through.

He looked around the empty hangar bay. No troopers were on duty. There wasn’t a point. There was no duty to undertake. Not anymore. He checked his chronometer. Parnadee had better hurry off to wherever she was going or she was likely to be intercepted by the Resistance fleet.

The anger that had fueled him had dissipated now to be replaced by a bone-deep exhaustion. He hadn’t slept in four days, needing every second to place squadrons and reorganize ships and try to be certain that no truly vicious individuals ended up loose in the galaxy. In some ways, he’d been more fully in the light during that process than he ever thought possible.

But he’d expended all his energy and knew he had to rest, at least for a few hours. The last step would occur soon and he needed to be at his best.

He unhooked the helmet and put it on again. Even now, with just a skeleton crew on the ships, he would walk the halls only as Kylo Ren. Ben Solo never served on these ships, never would.

-0-

_“Ben?”_

_“Hmm?” he replied sleepily. Even in his dreams he was exhausted._

_“They want to know how many to expect.” Rey poked at his arm. He opened his eyes and realized he was in his bed on Finalizer. She sat on the edge of the mattress._

_“What are you doing here?” he asked, sitting up. The sheet fell from his bare shoulders. Apparently in his dream he slept nude even though he remembered falling asleep fully clothed. He hadn’t even taken off his boots._

_She grinned at him, delighted by his obvious discomfort. “You said you wanted me to visit you in your dreams,” she teased._

_“I mean here on this ship,” he explained. “I never wanted you to come here.”_

_She got up from the bed and strolled around the room. “I don’t know why not. I’ve been in your quarters before. I tumbled through your stuff.” She arched an eyebrow at him._

_She ran her fingers over a side cabinet where his grandfather’s mask lay but stopped short of touching it. “I even broke your stand for this.”_

_He remembered. They fought while he was on Kajimi and she was in his quarters. He’d left Kajimi a ruin, so many people dead. When he’d returned the mask to the table, the dark voice had purred with approval. He put his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”_

_“I know.” She sat back down and gave his back a gentle rub. Her hand was warm and a little rough from her scavenging days. “They want to know how many to expect,” she repeated._

_“Not quite five thousand.”_

_“Is that all?” she sounded impressed. “You’ve found homes for nearly 400,000 stray stormtroopers?”_

_“I hope so. These are the ones that I either ran out of time on or didn’t want the Resistance to lose track of,” he explained, exulting in the feel of her hand on his skin even if it was a dream._

_“And the ships are all gone?” She removed her hand. His skin immediately felt a chill._

_“All but these last three gigantic monsters,” he groaned. “Is everything ready on your end?”_

_She nodded. “They are on schedule to raid the creches and rescue the children. Then they’ll be coming for the rest.”_

_“I want to see you again,” he blurted without preamble. “One more time before it starts.” Ben knew it would be difficult to arrange a rendezvous, but he had to ask._

_“I do too. This is nice but it’s not like it was on Nera.” She pushed him back onto his pillows and lay down next to him, her arm over his chest._

_“I forget,” he admitted quietly. “I tell myself I will remember every second, but when I wake up, it all fades and I can’t remember anything but missing you.” He ran his fingers over her arm. “I want to really see you again before it starts. Just in case.”_

_“In case of what?” she asked. “It’s a good plan, Ben.”_

_“In case it’s not as good a plan as we think. In case I never see you again when it’s all over,” he said, feeling a tightness in his chest._

_She sat up on her elbow and looked down at him, that shining hope in her eyes. “I’m always with you. Even when you can’t feel it. I am always with you.” She kissed him, and he pulled her fully into his arms, his fingers tangling into her hair._

_“This is just a dream,” he murmured against her neck. “When I wake up, I won’t feel you anymore.” Her tunic was soft and warm and real beneath his fingertips. The force vibrated through him and into her, connecting their energy. “Can you feel me when you’re . . . out there wherever you are?”_

_“Always,” she replied. “You are always right on the edges of my mind. It feels like you’re talking in the next room or right outside a window. Not right next to me but close.”_

_She sounded so peaceful. A painful knot of jealousy tightened inside him. “I think about you all the time,” he admitted, “but all I feel is the empty place in the force where you are supposed to be. When I dream, you are alive with me, but when I wake up, you are dead, and I am alone.”_

_“I’m so sorry, Ben,” she whispered, pulling his forehead to hers. The bond glowed in and around them, swirling and bringing them together. He felt her peace, her hope, and her love for her friends. It was like standing in the sunlight, feeling the warm rays penetrate his skin. But when he tried to look deeper, right into her heart, the intensity was blinding. It felt like the first time he’d interrogated her. There was a wall, a brilliant, glowing wall between them. There was a part of her he could not access._

_“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I feel it too. We are still two people, not one.” She stroked his hair and ran her thumb over his eyebrow and down his cheek, her eyes still fixed on his. “There’s a dark place inside you that I can’t enter. It’s like the well on Ahch-to. It calls to me, but it won’t let me in.”_

_“Maybe that’s all this is between us. You’re drawn to the black hole inside me, and I can’t stop wanting to be burned by the bright star inside you,” he admitted sadly. “Opposite poles, always attracted and always repelled. Never together, never apart.”_

_She wrapped her arms around him and held him in a tight embrace but did not contradict him._

_He continued, “You are on the other side of all this. You can see it better.” He whispered a soft challenge into her ear. “Tell me the truth, Rey. Even on that side I won’t be with you. But I will always want to.”_

_“No, it’s not like that,” she finally replied, but she sounded distracted. “But right now you have to wake up.”_

_“Why? Why won’t you just admit it? We are never going to be together.” Saying the words put them into perspective. He’d been so foolish to think it could be any other way._

_She stared past him, her eyes searching the darkness of his quarters. Then she looked him squarely in the eyes. “Don’t you give up hope on me, Ben Solo,” she commanded. “I will never leave you. But you have to wake up! Now!”_

In the dream she pushed him away from her with a strength that surprised him and he woke abruptly. He couldn’t help but look for her, but instead his eyes began to water. He coughed once as noxious fumes surrounded him, then held his breath. 

The room was filled with some kind of toxic gas. He rolled out of bed and ran down the stairs that led from his bedchamber toward the main door, calling his lightsaber to his hand as he did so. However, he did not ignite it on the off chance that the gas filling his quarters was flammable as well as poisonous.

The door failed to open at his approach, so he reached into the metal with the Force and wrenched it free. In the corridor beyond, several fully armored and helmeted stormtroopers with blaster rifles crouched behind makeshift barricades. At a far distant intersection, General Parnadee shouted, “Attack!” her voice muffled by the filtration mask she pressed to her face. 

He did not need this. He did not want this. 

As four elite riot control troopers with electro-batons approached, he understood their plan. These four would keep him occupied with hand-to-hand combat as the riflemen took shots as available. Defending against the onslaught would cause him to eventually run out of air and he would be forced to take a breath of the toxic gas which would either incapacitate or kill him. 

Damn Parnadee. 

He hadn’t killed anyone since Exegol and didn’t want to start now. 

Instead of taking their bait, he backed up into his quarters, jamming the door shut behind him. He slammed his helmet on his head on the off chance that it would filter the gas, only to have it flash a red toxin warning. Trooper helmets had to be calibrated to filter, and he guessed she’d picked something exotic enough that his helmet wouldn’t help. He jerked it off because it made him feel even more suffocated, aware that he was beginning to feel the effects of oxygen deprivation. He hadn’t slept nearly long enough and felt pretty certain his decision-making processes weren’t functioning at peak.

So he did the very first thing that occurred to him and cut a circle in the floor of his room, dropping into the level below. Fortunately the gas wasn’t flammable. But it was pressurized and heavier than air and began to pour through the hole behind him, flooding into the room before he could take more than a single breath. 

Damn Parnadee. 

He ran through the door of the conference room he’d dropped into, nearly running straight into the trooper guarding it. The trooper backed up, then took a stance with his riot baton, which sizzled with an electric charge that while not lethal, would certainly hurt bad enough to probably cause him to convulse and gasp for air. 

The trooper was good, well-trained and dedicated, but no match for Ren. The lightsaber slashed through the baton, sending a snap of static electricity into the soldier. Ren followed through by Force pushing him against the bulkhead hard enough to knock him unconscious, at least for a moment. He ran down the hallway through the green mist, wondering just how much of the ship she’d flooded with the gas. Black spots began to swim before his eyes as he rounded a corner into a training arena. 

Climbing ropes dangled from the high ceiling. He clipped the lightsaber onto his belt with one hand and leaped for the nearest rope with the other, clearing the first fifteen feet with a Force jump. By the time he’d hand over hand climbed to the top, he was dizzy and down to a narrow gray tunnel of vision. He pressed his face to the ceiling where the mist was thinnest, took his chances, and breathed in. 

The air was acrid, but not caustic enough at this height to kill him outright. A few deep breaths cleared his head and his vision long enough for him to decide on a course of action. Rapidly he called up a mental map of the deck plans, and cut a hole into the ceiling beside the rope hook then swung himself through, the hot metal rim burning into his hand. The thick gas on this floor burned his eyes again. 

His next moves took him down the hall where he found three collapsed officers with blood foaming at their mouths. He raced to the left where he cut a hole through a wall into the adjoining compartment, then took a lift down three levels. He was nearly out of air again when he made the wide force field of the hangar bay. 

Parnadee’s shuttle sat there, guarded by the pilot with a blaster pistol. He was also wearing a filtration mask. The trooper managed to fire off a couple of shots, which Ren deflected on the run before hammering the soldier to the ground with a punch to the jaw. He ran up the ramp and closed off the shuttle, setting the internal filtration on maximum. Then he sat on the nearest troop bench and waited until his vision began to go grey again before taking a breath. 

To his relief, the air was fresh. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and breathed in deep lungfuls of oxygen. If Rey hadn’t warned him, he’d be dead and Parnadee would have three Star Destroyers and enough crew to start rebuilding her army. 

Damn her. He didn’t want to kill anyone, not anymore. And not with his mother’s lightsaber no matter how badly he’d wounded its crystal. He did not want to be Kylo Ren any longer, but it seemed as though Ren was determined to be him. 

It didn’t take the mutineers long to figure out where he’d gone. But by then he’d bypassed the hangar controls. The group surrounded the shuttle and began setting up their heavy gun. 

He opened coms to the outside. “Last chance to surrender, Bellava. Any of you want to lay down your arms and go back to whatever you were doing before she talked you into this, go ahead.” 

“It’s over, Ren,” Bellava replied. Her voice sounded determined, even through the coms speaker in the shuttle. “Whatever _you’re_ doing is over. I will pull this fleet back together and take it to the Outer Rim. We built there once and we will build there again.”

“Without Palpatine, you’ll be just another gang of pirates, trying to stay one step ahead of the warlords and the New Republic,” he stated. “Trust me when I say my way is best. Everybody gets to live, maybe even start a life somewhere.” 

“Come out of the shuttle or we’ll blast it apart!” None of the troopers moved from their post. The big gun was nearly ready. 

Damn Parnadee. He typed in the code to override the blast doors and killed both the inner and outer forcefields. The sudden vacuum of space pulled everything not bolted down out of the ship with a whoosh. The shuttle itself slid twenty feet toward the opening before he could wrap the Force around it. Armored bodies went flying into the icy grip of open space, the big gun banging against the side of the ship as it bounced out into the black void.

Those nearest the entrance fought their way back to the blast doors, expecting them to slam shut per emergency protocol to protect the ship’s oxygen supply. However, his code held. Toxic gas continued to pour out of the corridors of the ship into the hangar, floating away toward Titan station and deep space. He watched as trooper after trooper lost their struggle against the pull of the vacuum. Even General Parnadee lost her grip and flew past him, arms flailing desperately for a handhold against the inevitable. 

Deep inside the ship, secondary blast doors finally clanged shut and the process of reoxygenation began. He had no idea how many troopers might have suffocated during the process, but felt the terror of far too many. Once the vacuum of space had reached equilibrium, he resealed the force fields. 

Finalizer’s maintenance droids quickly sealed the gas leak Parnadee had opened into the sections around his quarters and within two hours the air on the ship was safe to breathe again. He made his way back to his room, dressed himself completely in armor and mask, and went to the bridge. 

“If anyone else wishes to die, feel free to mutiny again,” he announced to the ship at large. “I will not be questioned. You will obey or I will kill you.” His stomach rolled. Outside the large windows, white armored bodies floated by like snowflakes drifting on the wind.


	9. Chapter 9

Blowing the airlock had killed eighty-two troopers. He wanted to tell himself that he’d had no choice. It was easy to think those words. After all Palpatine had justified every evil directive he’d ever given Ren with those same words—“You have no choice.”

Now that he was truly the only one inside his head, he finally understood that for the lie it was. Now he understood that he’d simply made his choices, and now he had to live with them.

Rey fully believed Ben Solo was somehow a different man than Kylo Ren, a better man. But he knew that sometimes he’d been able to ignore the voice and spare lives or choose mercy. If he could do it once, he should have been able to do it every time. He’d always been both Kylo Ren and Ben Solo and he still was.

 _You are too hard on yourself,_ Rey’s voice whispered.

“You’re not hard enough,” he replied, but that light touch of her spirit was gone.

These dark thoughts accompanied him as he stood before the panoramic window of the observation deck. Lucidity and Exceed lay motionless against a sea of stars on either side of Finalizer. After the attempted mutiny, no one had questioned his orders to move away from Titan station and simply hold position in the middle of nowhere. 

The ships were beautiful. He couldn’t help but admire their economy of line and brilliant white surfaces. If they had been outfitted for exploration, these ships would have been a beacon of inspiration everywhere they docked. But that was not to be. Instead their wedge shape meant destruction, death, and domination throughout the galaxy. 

He was early to the rendezvous point with the Resistance, but that couldn't be helped. Their time was over. 

He peeled out of his tunic, armor, and mask and tossed them to the side of the chamber, glad to finally be free of them. He made sure Rey's little doll was still secure in the inside pocket of his undertunic and gave her a soft pat where she lay against his chest. 

"It's time," he whispered to her. Then he sank to the floor, his legs crossed, his hands on his knees. 

He felt for Rey, wishing she were there to lend her peace, wishing to feel her contact with him one more time. But he feared that was not to be. If he didn’t wish to risk another mutiny, he had to take the final steps on his own. The Resistance would still come. He just wouldn’t be there to see it. He sent Poe a quick message to let him know of the acceleration of plans, then tossed the hololink aside as well. 

He set aside his personal feelings and began to meditate. His concentration soon grew so deep that he was barely aware of the fact that he had levitated a good five feet from the floor. 

He extended his senses to the reactor core on Exceed. After weeks with only a minimal crew for maintenance, a number of essential operations had gone undone--just as planned. He began to reach for the switches and settings he’d determined would be most likely to lead to an unstoppable core breach.

He trembled with the effort of concentrating on such small details at such a distance. _Be with me,_ he whispered to the Force, opening himself to it as fully as possible, letting go of his self-hatred and doubt to become one with his objective. Then he waited. 

“Supreme Leader,” a voice came over the room’s com system several minutes later. “We are receiving a distress signal from Exceed. They say they are experiencing an unexplained reactor failure.”

“Advise them to abandon ship immediately,” he replied.

There was no acknowledgment.

“Did I not make myself clear?” Ren snapped at the silence. “Advise them to abandon ship, all hands.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” The channel went dead.

He opened his eyes long enough to see escape pods begin to emerge from Exceed then turned his attention to Lucidity. He renewed his focus, turning off the failsafes one by one.

After several moments of intense concentration, he heard the door of the observation deck whoosh open behind him. “Sir, Lucidity’s core is also failing,” a worried voice declared. “Shall I send guards to engineering?”

“No.” He could feel the fear and distrust emanating from the deck officer who’d entered. “You disagree with my decision?” Ren released his concentration long enough to step to the floor and turn toward the intruder.

A young man with hair red enough to remind Ren of Hux stood before him. His gray uniform looked rumpled, as if he’d been sleeping in it. He backed away from Ren, his eyes wide. 

“No, sir,” the junior officer replied at first. Then he stopped, came to full attention, and glared back bravely. Ren felt his sudden resolve. “Yes. I disagree. We are clearly being sabotaged. Both ships undergoing reactor failure? It’s unheard of.”

Ren didn’t need another mutiny, not now. “I agree. It is unheard of. It is clearly sabotage. Come with me,” he commanded. He took one last look through the observation window to see the space around the two ships filling with tiny dots of light as the crews evacuated.

He left his armor and helmet on the floor without a backwards glance and walked the halls as Ben Solo for the first time since his return from Exegol.

Ben led the way to the lift, aware that the deck officer followed a few steps behind. Once inside, he asked, “Who are you?”

“I’m the deck liason for today, sir,” the man stammered.

“Do you have a name?”

The officer shot a look of trepidation at him then answered, “Lt. Jehan Barda.”

“So you joined the First Order at some point? Why?” The lift doors opened into the engineering bays.

“I’m from Hays Minor,” Barda stated as if that answered his question.

Ben just looked at him. “And? I am supposed to know something about Hays Minor?”

Blast doors opened into the reactor core service area. Ben paused long enough at the keypad to enter a top level security door override to prevent them from closing. The huge room should have held a crew of a few hundred, but since the downscale he’d implemented, only about a dozen stood at stations far distant from one another.

“Lucidity is experiencing out of control heating now,” one crewmember called across the bay. “Check the coolant backup hardware! Be sure none of the settings has been tampered with!”

Ben continued to head into the rear of the chamber toward the large black regulation units. Each stood over ten feet tall and about six feet square. There were six, two primary and four redundant.

“You should consider going back to Hays Minor, Jehan,” Ben commented as he surveyed the distance between the units.

“I can’t, sir. The First Order destroyed it several years ago,” Barda stated in tones of resignation.

Ben turned to look at him. “Then why in creation are you here? Of all places? Why are you here?” He didn't try to hide his disbelief. 

Barda shrugged. “Where else was I supposed to go?”

“The Resistance!” Ben couldn’t help but throw out his hands.

Barda looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. Then he apparently decided Ben was being sincere and admitted, “I didn’t know how to get in touch with them. But the Order was recruiting among the survivors. After a point I honestly felt lucky to be picked up.”

Damn everything. Why hadn’t he gotten to this one earlier? Why wasn’t he already settling in on a new colony? How many more of these lost souls were owed a much better life than a New Republic detention facility?

Ben moved to the back of the room to the last of the redundant regulation units. “Jehan, do you know where to find the nearest escape pod?”

Jehan blinked at him. “Yes, sir?” he half asked.

“Make for it. Don’t stop running until you get there. Once you’re clear of the ship, wait. You’ll be picked up. When you are, be sure to ask for Poe Dameron, Finn, or Rose Tico. Tell them Ben Solo sent you,” Ben instructed, but his attention had already shifted as he sized up the weak points of the unit. There didn’t appear to be any.

“Rose Tico? Like in Paige and Rose Tico? I thought they were dead,” Jehan stammered. “Who is picking us up?”

“The Resistance.” Ben replied as he decided how to disable it.

“The what?” Jehan blurted, his eyes wide. 

Shouts from the entry door echoed through the chamber. Ben was running out of time.

“On behalf of the misguided, deluded, depraved senior staff of the First Order, I apologize for ruining your life,” Ben stated as he ignited his lightsaber. Jehan just stared at him incredulously. “Now run!”

When the man didn’t move, still apparently in shock at this turn of events, Ben jammed the lightsaber squarely into the unit right at shoulder level. The red blade sizzled as the unit began to fry and melt, sending electrical arcs into the air. Ben deflected the worst away from himself and Jehan, but let enough static creep through to the man to start him moving. “Call for the abandon ship as you go, if you don’t mind,” he called after him as Jehan finally began running.

Molten metal streamed around Ben's feet as he pulled down on the blade. He made a crosscut into the huge control station, sending a large chunk of it to the deck, then moved to the next. He worked as quickly as possible, but by the time he got to the third one he was surrounded by stormtroopers. Every alarm in the reactor bay blared as the abandon ship order sounded over the comms. He was happy that Jehan had apparently done his job and hoped the soldier had gotten off the ship already.

“Stop right there!” the bravest trooper shouted out as the group leveled their blaster rifles at him.

Ben sighed, thumbed off the lightsaber, and dropped it at his feet. The troopers took that as a sign of surrender and two moved forward with a set of manacles. Without moving a muscle, Ben shifted the Force around him to freeze the two in place. Then he expanded the field to encompass them all, stretching his reserves nearly to the limit. “Do you know who I am?” he asked the brave one, allowing her room enough to reply.

“Yes.” Her voice was less brave now. “You’re Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. Why are you trying to kill us all?”

“I’m not. I’m doing my damndest to save you,” he answered. A sudden shockwave of force moved through the ship. “That was Exceed. The reactor core just blew.” He reached out around the remains of the ship. “Everyone on board escaped. Lucidity will be next in just a few moments.”

He studied the forms of the thirty or so troopers surrounding him. “Do me a favor. Drop your weapons.” He gave them room to do so. The blasters hit the floor with a clatter and with a gesture, he pushed them as far away as he could still keeping his hold on the troopers. “Now take off your helmets. I’m not wearing mine. Let’s look each other in the face for once.”

Around him, thirty-three stormtroopers removed their helmets and became thirty-three people—all genders, ages varying from late teen to young adult, all different complexions and hair colors, but all just people. A profound sadness gripped him.

“You were stolen from your homes and programmed to serve the greatest source of evil to exist in the galaxy for a thousand years,” he began. “You were lied to and manipulated from the time you were babies. All you know is each other and the First Order. I understand. I was one of you. I still am.”

The shockwave of Lucidity ran through the deck.

“But the First Order is dead. Palpatine is dead. Pryde is dead. Hux is dead. Parnadee is dead. There’s nothing left for you on this ship. There’s nothing to rebuild. No great leader to follow.”

“We can follow you, Supreme Leader,” said a voice from the far right. Ben turned to face a dark-haired young man, too short to be a storm trooper. “We don’t want to die. Not here on this ship and not floating out there in the middle of nowhere. Just tell us what you want us to do. We will follow you.”

Ben shook his head. “I’m not your leader either. Not anymore. But you aren’t going to die. Rescue is on its way. It might take a day or so, but let all the escape pods know to stay together and wait.”

“Who? Who is coming for us? We’re the last of the ships. The rest of the fleet has vanished,” another interrupted. “Are they coming back?”

“The Resistance is coming.” Ben's answer sent the troopers into a panic. 

“They’ll kill us.” “We’ll be shot on sight.” “To put us in prison?” “Why?” came the many voices around him, emotions varying from disbelief to fear to anger.

“No,” he tried to tell them, but the group began to fight against his hold. On the edges of his awareness, he could sense more coming to the reactor room. He couldn’t hold back an army. He was running out of time.

“No!” he shouted and pushed them all back, some staggering, some falling flat. His lightsaber leaped into his hand and ignited. He ran to the next unit, stabbing into it and pulling with all his might. His shoulders burned with the effort as he cut into it quickly and savagely. “Head to your escape pods! Go now!”

Most turned and ran, but a few stayed behind. “Run!” he shouted at them as he hit the first of the two regulation units that were online. “When these go, you won’t have much time to get out. I gave Exceed and Lucidity as much time as I could. I can’t do that now.” He grunted as his lightsaber plunged deep, but the amount of power surging through this unit numbed his hands, sending bright arcs of power around and through him. His muscles contracted painfully, and he only barely prevented the surge from stopping his heart.

“Sir! Step back!” He recognized the voice. It was the brave one. She held her blaster rifle at the ready, four more troopers standing on either side of her.

He staggered back out of the surge of crackling energy, so exhausted by it all. “Don’t make me hurt you,” he groaned, lightsaber ready to deflect the blows.

“No, sir, step back and let us finish taking this one out,” she called to him.

He moved back to stand beside them, coughing out the ozone in his lungs. “Fire!” she ordered. Bolt after bolt blasted into the unit. It toppled slowly to the floor with a loud metallic groan then overloaded with a boom. The deck shook.

“Shall we take the next one, sir?” she asked, pushing her dark blonde hair out of her eyes.

“No, I’ll do it. You make sure the ship is evacuated. When this last one goes, there will be maybe a minute before Finality explodes,” he answered. He linked his comm to hers. “What’s your name?”

“My designation is FN-7321,” she answered.

FN. She would have been part of Finn’s unit. “Do you know FN-2187?” he asked.

Her eyes widened. “Maybe?” she drew out the word, apparently unsure of how to respond.

“He’s with the Resistance. Ask for him when they pick you up. Tell him Ben Solo sent you.” The last unit was beginning to whine.

“Who’s Ben Solo?” she asked in confusion.

“Doesn’t matter. Just tell him that. Now you go. When everyone is clear of the ship, contact me. I’ll hold this thing together until then.” The small group continued to stand there.

“What about you, sir?” another asked, real concern evident in his face. Their loyalty overwhelmed him. He didn’t deserve it.

“For a group of highly trained stormtroopers, you all are terrible at obeying orders,” he commented with a laugh and a genuine smile. “It’s fine. I know what I’m doing. Now do what I tell you and go.” They turned reluctantly. “Go!” he repeated firmly.

“Yes, sir.” “Yes, Supreme Leader.” “Aye, sir.” They finally took off at a run.

At last he was alone with the rapidly overloading unit. He wrapped it in the Force and held it together to give his crew as much time as possible to get to safety.

A terrific loneliness came over him as he felt the ship emptying. Klaxons blared, and the repeated order of “Evacuate! Evacuate! Abandon ship! Evacuate!” echoed around the room. He wanted to see it. He needed to see those escape pods floating away from the destruction, to know it had worked.

The nearest hangar bay was only a floor below, the last one on the port stern. From there maybe he’d be able to see something. Keeping a hold on the reactor, he rode the nearest lift down and entered the bay.

He discovered that if he stood at the far edge of the hangar forcefield, he could see the remains of Lucidity flashing and exploding. A tiny stream of dots stood at a far distance from the wreckage. He could not see Exceed and could only hope that everyone was away. The escape pods from Finalizer were close enough that he could make them out against the stars, moving away to regroup into formation at a distance. Two more ejected from their bays close enough to the hangar that he felt the deck vibrate as their engines kicked in.

He extended his awareness back to his hold on the last remaining regulation unit. He could feel the power building in it and closed his eyes. “Just a little longer,” he whispered to himself as he took a seat again on the deck at the edge of the forcefield. “Nearly there.” He breathed and centered himself, resting in the deep sense of purpose he’d found in the past several months. 

The overload fought back against his hold, but he brought every bit of the love he ever had for the First Order to bear, aware that not all of it had been bad. Misguided at every turn, but sometimes with goals that actually coincided with the light. The First Order had kidnapped its soldiers as babies, but had also freed populations from slavery to a vicious warlord. It had murdered entire worlds of innocents, but had also delivered life giving medicines to colonies in the outer rim.

It seemed Snoke had done just enough good at just the right intervals to placate the parts of him that would have rebelled against him otherwise. _The First Order is just that—order, my apprentice. Order sometimes takes a strong hand,_ his master would repeat, conditioning him just as surely as any stormtrooper.

“Sir, this is FN-7321,” her voice crackled distantly over his comm unit. “We’re clear. We will hold position and watch for your ship.”

With a sigh of relief, he let go of the regulation unit. He felt the rumble above him as it exploded. The reactor core wouldn’t last over a minute without it. “Don’t wait for me,” he replied to her. “Get to a clear distance. I’ll join you when I can.”

“Yes, sir,” she replied and the link went dead.

He opened his eyes and gazed out into the darkness of the universe. It was over. The First Order, Palpatine, Snoke, the Knights of Ren. It was all over now. He pulled out his mother’s lightsaber and began to peel off the black wrappings. He didn’t have time to finish the job, but when the glints of silver metal began to shine through it gave him hope.

Maybe he’d see her. Maybe soon. Maybe he’d see Rey.

Rey.

He’d wanted to see her one more time . . . just in case. Just in case this truly was the end for him. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to become one with the Force, or that if he did he would end up in the same part of the Force where her spirit dwelled, bright and full of hope.

A tear ran down his face.

And Rey reached up and wiped it away.


	10. Chapter 10

Ben turned at her touch, the glory of their connection running around and through him, making him feel alive again. “Rey, why are you here?” he asked softly, reaching up to put his hand over the shimmering blue glow of hers.

“Somebody didn’t keep to his own schedule,” she chided. “What are you doing blowing the ships up early?”

“I’m sorry. I ran into complications,” he replied.

“I know. I was there. Then you shut yourself off from me, Ben. Why?” She sounded hurt.

“I didn’t mean to,” he apologized. “I guess I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to see this.”

“See what?” Her words were a question, but her tone of voice told him she knew already.

“This is it.” He could feel the rumble in the core building as the reactor began to overheat. “I’ve only got a minute. Maybe less.” He felt his lower lip tremble. “Will you stay with me? Did you come to stay?”

“I didn’t come to stay, Ben,” she replied as she rose and held out her hand. “I’ve come to save you.”

He took it and stood, taking her into his arms. “You already did.” He could feel her again. He could feel her body and her spirit and herself through the thin sheen of the Force barrier. He pressed his cheek into her hair, her body was as warm and solid as it had been on Nera for those few moments she was linked to Finn. 

He assumed she was linked to him now. It didn’t matter if the bond drained all the life from him, the explosion of the reactor core was about to rip his body to atoms anyway. That might be too much for their connection. He wouldn’t want his violent death to hurt her. “I’m glad you came. But if you have to leave before it happens, you better go.”

“You are the one who has to go,” she stated and pulled herself free of his embrace. “Now!”

A roar of wind rushed through the forcefield as the Millennium Falcon hove into view, ramp extended into the hangar bay, not even touching down. Rey pulled him toward it, then leaped aboard and turned to him, her hand out. 

Ben experienced a sudden flashback. They stood there in the same positions, him on the deck, her on the Falcon making a getaway. Only this time she was reaching to pull him toward her.

“Ben, now! Come on!” she called. “Jump!”

He was frozen to the spot, the wind from the Falcon’s engines roaring in his ears, as he considered his decision. If he stayed, he’d die. He’d possibly become one with the Force. He’d possibly be able to join her. Then again he’d possibly spend the rest of eternity without her in the darkest holes of Sith hell.

But if he went, he’d live. Maybe he’d live in a New Republic prison for the rest of his life for crimes against the galaxy. Maybe she’d be able to come to him in half-remembered dreams or drop in for a few brief minutes when Finn or Maz was free to visit.

Finn’s head poked into view. “We gotta go!” he shouted.

“Ben!” Rey shouted, her hand held out to him. “Don’t do this.” Tears began to fill her eyes. She stretched out her hand further. “Please!”

He took her hand and leaped onto the ramp. It closed as they ran on board, and Poe shouted, “Hang on!” from the pilot’s chair. Ben felt the explosion of Finalizer shudder through the ship and dropped to the floor, pulling Rey down with him as the Falcon shot away at top speed.

He clung to her as the ship swerved around escape pods, the artificial gravity doing its best to stay consistent despite the pilot’s maneuvering until they slowed again some distance from the expanding debris of his ship.

“Woo!” Finn cried in excitement. “That was close. What the hell were you thinking, Ren? I was afraid we were going to have to leave your sorry ass.”

“You shouldn’t have come in the first place,” Ben replied as Rey pulled him to his feet. “It was too dangerous.”

“So no ‘thank you’ then?” Rose chimed in. “For the rescue from certain death?”

“Guys, give Ben a break. He’s had a really tough few months.” Rey interposed herself between him and her friends. “I’ve only got a couple of minutes left here. You guys know what to do, right?”

“We’ll take care of him,” Rose assured her.

“Then give us a second, okay?” Rey’s friends headed into the cockpit and closed the door.

“So you weren’t linked to me?” Ben asked.

Rey shook her head. “I could tell something was happening and asked the guys to leave the raid early. As soon as we got close enough that I could stay linked to Finn but still get to you, I did.” She took him by the arms and gave him a little shake. “What were you thinking? Were you just going to let yourself die back there?”

He stared down at her, aware that he only had a few minutes of this feeling of wholeness. “I am a liability to your friends. The galaxy will never stop calling for my head, you know this.”

“That’s why they are taking you to Ahch-to.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Really? Ahch-to? Why not Exegol? It would be a more fitting place to dump me.”

“Ben, you aren’t being abandoned,” she assured him, stepping close and putting her arms around him. “On the positive side, I might be able to visit for real there sometimes. Ahch-to is a pretty special place.”

He held her and did his best to memorize how she fit against him, where the top of her head came to, how it felt to put his hand on the back of her neck.

“Ben, it’s over. You did it.” She looked up at him, concern in her eyes. “Why are you so sad?”

It was in that moment that he realized just how different it must be for her. Where did he begin to explain how dark it was inside him was without the light of their connection? How hopeless it could feel? He’d had a moment, when they were fighting side by side on Snoke’s ship, when it had felt like they were moving as one person. He’d felt that same thing on Exegol when she’d passed him the lightsaber—he’d heard her thoughts like she was speaking aloud. He’d felt it again on Nera—when they’d kissed, he felt her joy like it was his. But when they were apart, his loneliness and emptiness were all his own.

“I’m okay,” he assured her. “I promise. I’ll be fine. Come see me when you can.”

She looked at him long and deep and he knew she didn’t believe him. She could see everything he wanted to hide. Her eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Ben. I am so sorry.”

“I know in my mind that you’re always there,” he explained, “but I can’t feel it. I wish I could, but I can’t. My mind has a really tough time trying to convince my heart. It always has. And you’re right. It’s been a really…” his voice broke “…really tough past few months.”

Rey put her arms around him again. “It feels so good to hold you,” she admitted. “We never touched before. I miss that when I’m not with you.”

Passion was part of the dark side, he suddenly remembered. He bent down and kissed her lightly, just a brush of his lips to hers. Then he ran the backs of his fingers down her cheek and onto her neck, tracing across her shoulder and down her back. He kissed her again, taking a little more time. Her mouth trembled against his. He pulled away slightly to look into her eyes.

A storm rose in them. He remembered the flashes of fire that had come from her whenever they’d fought. She was always the first to attack, anger rising in her—righteous anger, he admitted—and she’d light into him with such passion. He saw that passion rise in her now. “Are you going to attack me?” he whispered in her ear, then pressed soft kisses against her neck.

She gasped, gripping handfuls of his tunic at his waist. “No,” she responded, “I . . .” her voice trailed off as he kissed his way across her shoulder, pulling aside her vest to reveal more skin. “Ben, I . . .”

He knew what she wanted to say. She couldn’t stay much longer. He pushed down his heartbreak and took her face in his hands. “Remember this,” he instructed softly. 

“Remember me, Rey. Come back to me.” His mouth was still on hers when she faded from his embrace.

-0-

A knock at the door of the bunk roused him. Ben dragged himself out of the depths of sleep to see Rose in the doorway.

“We’re almost there,” she said softly. “You okay?”

The sincerity of her concern touched him. She should absolutely not care a bit about his welfare, but somehow she did. Then he remembered. “Jehan Barda. Do you know that name?”

“Jehan? He’s alive?” Rose asked with a flash of excitement. “He and my sister Paige used to date a long time ago. But when the … colony was destroyed, we thought he’d been killed too.”

He appreciated her tact in editing out the fact that the First Order had destroyed the colony, but a sinking feeling came over him that he might have been instrumental in that destruction and not even remember it as one in a string of many. “Jehan was on Finalizer. He joined the First Order I think as a way to keep from dying on …” He couldn’t remember the name of the colony and suddenly felt lower than dirt.

“Hays Minor,” Rose supplied quietly, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears.

Dirt wasn’t low enough, he decided and quickly explained, “I told him to ask for you, Poe, or Finn when he was picked up. He seems like a genuinely good guy, just in the wrong place with a bad set of alternatives to pick from.”

FN-7321. He needed to be sure Finn found her too. He rolled off the narrow bunk. “Is Finn around?”

Rose nodded. “He’s in the cockpit.”

“May I?” he asked, not sure if they wanted him just running around the ship.

She gave him a long look, as if trying to figure him out, and nodded again. “But I’m right behind you.”

He took a few steps before realizing something essential was missing. His lightsaber wasn’t at his side. Rose smirked at him. “You’re a very heavy sleeper. It’s in the cockpit too.”

“That’s fine,” he replied. “Keep it for now but I’ll need it back when we land.”

“We’ll see,” Rose stated coolly but allowed him into the cockpit.

When he first glanced through the door, for a moment he thought he saw his father at the controls. His breath caught in his throat. Then Poe turned around.

"So you finally woke up," Poe stated in irritation. "Damn it, Ren. What were you thinking screwing with the schedule? The schedule you made!"

"It couldn't be helped. They'd already tried to kill me once. I couldn't wait any longer." He tried to keep his attention on his conversation, but was enthralled by his memories.

The cockpit looked the same. The same worn seats, the same perpetually blinking warning lights, the same smell of fuel and the remnants of spice that had filtered through the cracks in the hold and permeated the ship itself. He loved that smell. It smelled like his childhood. And his father. He breathed through the pain. 

After a long moment of the three of them staring at him expectantly, he forced his attention back to the task at hand. Finn sat in the co-pilot’s seat. “Finn, I told a trooper to ask for you when she was picked up. FN-7321. Do you remember her?”

Finn’s eyes opened wide. “Yes, I do.”

“She and a few others helped me finish the job on the Finalizer’s reactor core. I couldn’t have done it without them.” He began to back out of the cockpit. “That’s all. I just wanted to be sure you knew to look for them. Not everybody in the First Order was like me. Most of them weren’t.”

“We know,” Rose said with an understanding smile. “The first waves seem to be doing pretty well. Jannah and her crew have settled a whole bunch of them on Kef Bir.”

Kef Bir settled into his spirit like a heavy rock. He’d felt his mother die there. He’d made peace with his father there. He’d thrown away his lightsaber there. He’d reclaimed himself as Ben Solo there. But he’d also left a piece of himself behind.

“If I needed to go back to Kef Bir to get something I left there, could I do that?” he asked. “Not right away, just sometime.”

The three of them gave him a long, hard look. “Maybe?” Poe said at last.

“Good.” He backed out of the cockpit and returned to the bunk. He glanced around and realized he had nothing to take with him. All he had was the clothes he was wearing and Rey’s little doll tucked into his inside pocket. So he sat on the bunk and waited until the ship touched down in a softer landing than the Falcon usually managed to pull off.

When the ramp lowered, the orange and white BB-8 unit he’d pursued from Jakku to Takodana rolled ahead of him, beeping vigorously. He breathed in the sea air to steady himself. The sun was high in the sky. A few of the white robed caretakers wandered about the stone huts and down the path to their village. It felt like time had stopped.

“Do I have any supplies?” he asked the group as they all wandered down the ramp.

“Rey made us bring along everything you might need. And I mean everything,” Finn groaned. “There are three big crates back there and they are heavy.”

“Not a problem,” Ben stated. He took a breath and centered his energies, circling the force around the first of the crates. It glided up and forward at his behest, landing lightly on the grass before the ship.

“You Force users kill me,” Poe sighed. “I nearly threw my back out trying to get those things on board.”

Ben gave Finn a long look. The trooper had admitted to being a Force sensitive. Finn noticed the look and gave him a slight shake of the head. Why not? Why not embrace his powers? Learn?

Ben took a few moments to finish unloading the boxes, then sat down on top of one to rest.

Poe and Rose re-entered the Falcon to prep for departure, but Finn had walked over to the side of the cliff overlooking the ocean below. “Why not?” he asked the trooper as he approached him.

“Why not what?” Finn’s asked tersely.

“Why not use your abilities? I know you have them,” Ben replied.

“That is none of your business,” Finn answered, his voice even tighter.

“I have the benefit of Jedi training. If you need a teacher, I could show you,” Ben offered.

“Like I want Kylo Ren to train me how to use the Force!” Finn almost shouted back in disbelief. “You’d have me doing all kinds of Sith crap and I wouldn’t know the difference.”

“I am not a Sith,” Ben replied firmly.

“So you’re a Jedi?” Finn’s sarcasm was palpable.

“No.” Ben sighed. That path was also firmly closed to him. “I never finished my training.” They gazed out over the water. “Is the ocean good or bad?” he asked the trooper.

“What?”

“Is the ocean good or bad?” he repeated.

“Neither. It’s the ocean.”

“But it is powerful. It gives life to the planet and the animals who live in it. Does that make it good?”

Finn frowned.

Ben gestured down to where huge waves crashed against the rocks below. “If you jumped in right there, the waves would pound you to death or pull you under and drown you,” he began.

“You planning to push me in?” Finn took a step back.

“No! Okay, if I jumped in then. The point is the ocean would kill you. Does that make it evil?” Ben asked.

“If the ocean killed you, that might make it good,” Finn replied, but he was smiling. “No. I get your point. The Force is powerful but neither good nor evil. It just is.”

“Yes!” Ben felt a rush of achievement that he’d actually taught something. “Light and dark are just aspects of the force. It’s what we do with them that make them good or evil. Darkness is more easily corrupted to evil, but the energy of the dark is just as necessary to life as the peace of the light. Balance. It’s balance that counts between light and dark.”

“And not being evil,” Finn said. “I don’t have a place in my life for evil any more. I served it too long already without meaning to.”

Ben felt that familiar deep shame run through him again. “On behalf of the First Order, I would like to formally apologize …for everything. All of it.” He remembered the first time he’d noticed him, standing there over a fallen trooper, a red smear of blood on his helmet. 

“I especially apologize for Jakku. I told you to do something evil. I’m sorry. That’s on me. Not on you,” Ben continued. “I know these are just words, and words won’t make up for everything the First Order did to you. But I mean it.” 

He and Finn stood there for a long time watching the ocean. The former trooper’s natural guards were already strong enough to prevent Ben from sensing his emotions without making an effort, and he didn’t begin to try. First of all, he wanted to respect Finn’s fundamental right to privacy. Secondly, he didn’t really want to feel the hate he knew Finn had to bear toward him. He felt enough hatred for himself as it was.

So he was surprised when Finn actually spoke to him again. “Why did you hesitate back on Finalizer? Why didn’t you jump on board the second we got close enough?”

“It was over. I’d done what I could to make sure no more lives were lost. I wasn’t needed any more.” Ben paused for a breath. He owed Finn honesty so he added, “And I thought maybe if I died, I’d be able to become one with the Force and be with Rey, really be with her.”

“You love her then?” Finn asked as if it were the most natural question in the world.

Love? He’d never considered that what he felt for her might be love. She was part of him. She balanced him. He’d give anything just to be in her presence—to listen to her, to feel with her, to help her. He wanted to see her smile, to make her smile. He wanted to share a meal with her, to sleep by her side. He wanted his life to be so intertwined in hers that he couldn’t tell where his care for himself ended and his care for her started. Was that love?

At his side, Finn took a deep breath and a step back. “Well, that answers that question,” Finn said wryly. “Your emotions need to get a room.”

Ben also took a step back, his face flushing red in embarrassment. He hadn’t meant to broadcast that way. “Oh. I didn’t mean to…do…that. That. I’m neglecting my own training. I’ve got nothing to teach you.”

“It’s all right,” Finn said with a laugh. “You just answered my second question which was why did you decide to come along after all.”

“Yeah,” Ben admitted. “She asked me to. I may spend the rest of my life alone on this island, but I had to take her hand.”

“Rey believes in you. She’s vouched for you over and over ever since Exegol,” Finn stated. “I doubt she’ll let you stay here for long.”

Ben looked around the island and felt the power of the Force in that place. “I’ll be fine. I’ve got a lot to work through,” he turned away from the cliff and looked back to the ship. “Speaking of, can I have my lightsaber back?”

“Gonna cut up some rocks?” Finn asked as he led the way back to the Falcon.

“No. I’m going to heal it if I can.”


	11. Chapter 11

For the next several mornings after the Falcon left Ahch-to, Ben woke up reaching for Rey, images of being with her clinging to his consciousness for only a few brief seconds before evaporating out of his mind.

This morning was no different as he groaned and lay there for a long minute on the uncomfortable bunk. It had been a week since he saw her last on the deck of Finalizer. A week since he’d touched her or talked to her. Dreaming wasn’t enough, not when he couldn’t remember anything.

 _Still here, Ben,_ her voice whispered, but as usual that light touch only lasted an instant before the bond went cold. It would probably be tomorrow before he felt her again. So much for Ahch-to being a place of power for the Force, he thought wryly.

He had a choice to make, lie there and be miserable or keep working on his mother’s lightsaber.

He decided to be miserable a while longer and rolled over, using his thin pillow to block the few rays of morning sunlight that filtered through the rock wall.

He’d made progress on the outside of the saber at least. That first morning on his own he’d finished stripping the modifications from the hilt, taking it back to the original housing in elegant silver. He’d thrown the exhaust modification crosspiece into the ocean. That meant he couldn’t ignite the blade for more than a few seconds without overloading the housing.

That afternoon, he’d gone to the meditation ledge at the old Jedi Temple where he'd broken it in the first place and meditated on the crystal until sundown. Nothing. The crack remained, the crystal still blooded and distraught.

The next morning he’d meditated all day, motionless and at peace, willing the crystal to heal, until his joints had practically locked in place. Then that night he’d dreamed of Rey, dreams that left him longing for her but fundamentally unsatisfied both in body and spirit.

The next day he repeated the process. And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next.

Now he lay there on the uncomfortable bunk, embraced his misery, and tried to go back to sleep.

 _“Accomplishes nothing, self-pity does,”_ a squeaky voice stated from the doorway.

Ben opened his eyes and rolled out of bed to one knee. “Master Yoda.”

 _“Happy to see you still respectful, young Solo,”_ Yoda laughed. _“Sit.”_

Ben sat back onto the bunk as Yoda entered the little hut and took a seat next to the small fire, poking at it with his stick, barely moving the ashes. The blue aura of his ghost form illuminated the dim interior. He gestured at Leia’s lightsaber on the little table. _“Finding this difficult you are?”_

Ben nodded. “I’m trying to center myself in the light, master. I’m removing conflict from my mind and seeking peace. But nothing is happening. What am I doing wrong?”

 _“When cracked the crystal you did, what emotions did you use?”_ Yoda asked softly.

It hurt Ben to remember. “Anger, betrayal, grief,” he listed sadly.

Yoda rose slowly from his seat and came to place a hand on Ben’s shoulder, a hand he could only barely feel. _“Directed toward who?”_

“My mother. The crystal was hers,” Ben said with a sigh. He remembered how the crystal had sang to him, its voice so very like Leia’s. “Master, my mother helped me break it. She told me things that hurt me on purpose to give me the strength. I haven’t seen her since then.” He rubbed at his face, then rose and pulled on his clothing.

 _“Still hurt, are you?”_ Yoda asked. _“Still feel that betrayal? Still feel cast aside to the darkness?”_

Ben stopped in the midst of pulling on his boots. He wanted to say no. His fall was not her fault. But the truth came out instead. “Yes.” Shame flooded him.

 _“Broken your relationship is,”_ Yoda stated matter-of-factly. _“Broken by whom?”_

“By me! I broke it when I ran from the temple. I broke it when I went to Snoke instead of to her. I broke it when I…when I killed my father,” Tears burned his eyes but didn't spill. “I broke it over and over and over. Master Yoda, I broke her heart.”

 _“One day forgive yourself you must or you will never move past those moments. Frozen forever you will be in guilt and shame,”_ Yoda commented quietly. _“But to heal the crystal, forgive another you must. You said anger, betrayal, and grief broke the crystal. Only their opposites can heal it. Are you strong enough to forgive the wrongs done to you?”_

Ben took a deep breath. He didn’t want to revisit those feelings, those memories. He would much rather pretend he’d already dealt with it. “I will have to be,” he informed the Jedi master, but Yoda was already gone.

-0-

The hike up the mountainside to the temple was harder than it had ever been. He stopped to turn around three separate times only to feel a hand on his shoulder, giving him strength. “Rey?” he whispered into the wind. _Right here,_ came the soft answer. At last he sat in the morning sunshine, his mother’s lightsaber in his hands.

He flicked it on for a second, sending the spitting, crackling red beam into the air, then turned it off just as fast. No one on Finalizer or Titan Station had noticed that the weapon was different. To everyone who had seen it, it was Kylo Ren’s blade, the same as always. The difference was this blade never killed anyone. Yes, he’d been directly responsible for the deaths of several squadrons of troopers while carrying it, but the only thing that blade had killed was Finalizer. Knowing that made him feel like he’d accomplished something. 

“Mom?” he whispered, cradling the hilt in his hands as he sat on the sunny boulder. “I need to talk to you.”

_He saw her again on Kef Bir, older than he remembered with threads of silver in her hair but still so beautiful. Time had stopped, freezing droplets of ocean spray in the air behind her. The wave of overwhelming love she’d sent to him had saved him. She’d drowned out the power of the Emperor inside him and given him space to hear himself think._

_Then he saw her on the day he’d left for the Jedi temple for the last time. She had come straight from a diplomatic meeting and was still being pursued by dignitaries from a variety of worlds, all trying to continue their debates outside of the conference room. She’d asked them to give her a moment of privacy with her son and had ushered him into a store room off the main hangar area._

_“Did you say goodbye to your father?” she asked him as she tucked a bit of his sash deeper into his belt, still tending to him like he was a child, not a man of twenty-three._

_He’d nodded. It was a lie. Han had already gone off on another trip with Chewie. He’d stopped by Ben’s room to speak to him the night before, but Ben pretended to already be asleep. He didn’t have anything to say. He and his father had nothing in common. Nothing to talk about._

_“Good. He loves you. It’s just hard for him to show it sometimes. It’s hard for him to understand the things you can do. What you are.” With that last statement he saw a bit of shadow in her eyes, as if she’d seen something in him that worried her. “Ben, I love you too. You know that, right?”_

_He’d nodded. Why hadn’t he told her then that he loved her? Why had he been too grown up to say it? Why had he still been so resentful of her for keeping back the truth of his heritage? He wasn’t just the son of the Princess of Alderaan, a courtesy title alone considering that there was no more Alderaan. He was the grandson of Darth Vader, the man who’d ruled the galaxy. Who’d been both Jedi and Sith. Who’d been speaking to Ben ever since he’d discovered his true identity--his destiny._

_Then someone knocked at the door. “Leia, the representatives from Crysora have arrived.”_

_She sighed. “You’re almost there, Ben. Almost a Jedi. Just listen to your uncle. He really is a great teacher.” Then she gave him a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. “See you soon, okay?”_

_He’d nodded. That was the last time he saw her alive._

_Then he was younger still, awakened from sleep by nightmares of a great black shape bearing down on him, pressing the life out of him. He’d sat straight up in the bed, his heart pounding. They were arguing again._

_“Why, Leia?” his father was asking. “Why send him to Luke? You’re a master too. You train him.”_

_“Han, Ben is different. He’s already so powerful. There’s something about him I can’t understand. I worry about him,” his mother answered._

_“Then keep him with us. I’ll help all I can.” Ben didn’t remember this conversation and listened closely._

_“I wish I could. I wish I could keep him forever and protect him from everything that is out there wanting him. But I can’t do it. I can’t. Maybe Luke can.” She was crying._

_“Mom?” he called both as his younger self and the self that remembered. She entered his room, young and beautiful, her hair down for bed, no sign of tears on her face._

_“What is it, sweetheart? Another bad dream?”_

_He’d nodded._

_She sat down beside him and gathered him into her arms and began to sing, “Little baby, come to rest. All the birds are in their nest.”_

_Then he was so young his vision was fuzzy. He could just make out her face smiling at him, but sadly as if she already knew what he’d become. “Hello, my beautiful boy, my Ben. My sweet Ben.” Tears ran down her face and splashed onto his forehead._

Tears ran down his own face and dropped onto the hilt of the lightsaber. “It’s okay, Mom. It all turned out okay. I’m okay. I understand why you did it. I’m glad you did. I would have chosen to protect Rey from him if I could. I’m not mad at you. I love you. I always loved you.” The words and the tears continued to pour out of him, all the love he didn’t show her as a misguided young man, as a troubled boy, as a demanding baby. He loved her and forgave her, and he asked her forgiveness in return.

The hilt in his hand grew warmer but he barely noticed it. Instead he poured himself into remembering her smile, her hair, her stories, her songs, the way it felt when she hugged him, how she sang to him, how she’d stroke his hair when he woke up in terror until he went back to sleep, every moment of her love for him and his love for her. His mother was Leia Organa, and he was so proud to be her son.

He curled up on the rock and remembered, the lightsaber glowing in his hands, until he drifted off to sleep.

-0-

When he woke, night had fallen. He could hear the sounds of the night insects. The rock was cool, the air fresh against his face.

The hilt was cool now, but his fingers were red and painful where they gripped it, as if they’d been scorched. He sat up and opened his hand, grimacing at the burning pain. He tried to channel a little healing into the skin, relieved when the red faded to pink and the burn to tenderness. Then he stood up and ignited the blade. 

It glowed steady before him, a pure shaft of lavender light. No longer pure blue, but no longer red, the color reminded him of a cloak his mother had worn when he was a boy. She’d wrap him in it as he sat on her lap. The crystal sang once more, its voice only slightly tinged with sadness for all the lost years. His breath hung in his chest sharply as he gazed into the light. 

_“It’s beautiful, Ben.”_ Leia’s voice floated through the air. _“You did good, sweetheart.”_

“I never stopped loving you, Mom. You know that, don’t you?” Ben asked the wind, looking around for any sign of a glowing form. 

_“I know,”_ came the reply along with the hint of a caress to his cheek. _“Now go to bed._

Despite the fact that he’d spent the entire day either sleeping or unconscious, he wasn’t really sure which, he found himself yawning. He made it out of the temple cave and down the hill by using the glow of the lightsaber to light the path. It felt fitting and wonderful. 

Once he reached his hut, he extinguished the blade and rolled the hilt up in a length of thick, soft cloth that seemed to be made for the task. Carefully he placed it in the trunk Rey had left behind, settling it into the spare blankets next to Rey's little handmade doll.

He ate a ration pack mindlessly and lay down. In seconds he was sound asleep. 

-0-

_He dreamed he was on the Falcon again. His dad and Chewie were in the cockpit, arguing as usual about the best route to take to their next destination. He wondered if it was a memory until he realized he was not a boy, but himself. He walked into the cockpit and took the seat behind Chewie so he could watch his dad fly._

_The man at the controls was older than his memories as well, silver hair instead of brown, lines on his face, but a familiar jacket, the same eyes. He looked the same as he had on Starkiller, as he had in his vision on Kef Bir._

_“Yeah, yeah, I know you’ve been to Plold before. So have I,” Han was telling Chewie. “Tell you what, we’ll let Ben decide.”_

_Han turned around and looked at him, that familiar half-smile/half-smirk on his face. “Which way, son?”_

_“I don’t know, Dad.” Ben shrugged. All he could do was stare. The ship looked right. It sounded right. It even smelled right. It felt right to be there, but at the same time he was troubled that he didn’t know which way to go._

_“Rey!” Han called. “Which way, kid?”_

_Ben looked across the cockpit to see Rey climb into the seat across from his. “Doesn’t matter. Every way leads home eventually,” she declared._

_Chewie purred his agreement as Han punched in the coordinates. “Sounds good to me. Hang on, kids!” Han commanded gleefully and pulled the lightspeed controls._

_Stars turned to dazzling streams of light outside the viewports, and Rey reached over and took his hand with a smile._

-0-

Ben woke the next morning with the smell of fuel and spice and musk still hanging around him. He tried to remember the sound of his father’s voice. The dream was still so close, but it rapidly faded. At least Rey had been there too. 

Of everyone from his past life, only Lando and Chewbacca were left. He wished he could see them again, especially Chewie, but Ben wasn’t sure his father’s best friend would be interested. They’d parted on Nera on better terms than Ben believed possible, but he could feel a coolness in the Wookie that he didn’t think would ever thaw.

He didn’t blame him. After all Ben couldn’t forgive himself either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw an interview with Carrie Fisher and when asked what color she wanted her lightsaber to be, she said she had always liked purple. So the color choice of lavender was for Carrie.


	12. Chapter 12

Once his mother’s lightsaber was restored, Ben began to wonder what he should do next. The crates that Poe had complained about loading were full of food rations, clothing, toiletries, and medical supplies—basically the contents of Rey’s bag but multiplied exponentially. He guessed he could last a year on his own without any help from the caretakers.

Was that the plan? He’d stay a year on his own, doing penance for his crimes, then get a resupply and a brief visit from the group with Finn anchoring Rey just long enough to speak?

 _“No. It’s not,”_ she whispered.

“Then what is the plan?” he asked aloud. No answer. Of course not. That would be too much to ask of the Force in this place of incredible power, he thought cynically.

He sat on the edge of the cliff, his feet dangling over the drop to the crashing waves below and remembered what he’d told Finn. That ocean—that great and powerful force—could provide life or could kill him. It all came down to how he chose to interact with it.

He’d spent his entire life struggling with choice, trying to make decisions with forces inside and outside of him telling him what to do—the voice he thought was his grandfather, his parents, Luke, Snoke, the pervasive darkness, the brilliant light. It was no wonder he spent all his time asking the Force, “What next? What do I do now?”

He might as well ask the ocean.

So he went to work. Each morning, he’d meditate then train—meditation to help reconnect himself back to his own thoughts now that he was alone in his head and training mostly out of habit. He just didn’t feel right if he didn’t train. 

After that, he’d hunt down whichever group of caretakers seemed to be the busiest and assist them. He carried stones up the hillsides to rebuild fallen walls. He shoveled manure into stinking piles of compost. He spread less stinking mature compost onto vegetable beds.

One afternoon he was called to help birth a quadruped. It took a combination of brute strength and Force manipulation, but at last the baby slipped free. It fell into his lap in a slippery heap of long legs and wobbly head, covering him in blood and birthing fluids in the process. It was simultaneously disgusting and wonderful. The happy caretakers cheered in their bubbly language, which he’d tried very hard to learn, but found near incomprehensible. Shyriiwook had been nothing compared to it.

“Yes, yes,” he nodded in agreement. “It’s a beautiful baby!” Said beautiful baby then promptly butted him in the chin as it struggled to its feet.

One of the caretakers passed him a length of wet toweling. He began to use it to wipe off his face and arms, but she gestured over to the baby, making rubbing motions. “Oh! For the baby! Not me,” he realized and covered his disappointment by rubbing the baby’s sides down vigorously. The little creature gained its footing and proceeded to nurse from its mother, an odd colored milk running out of the corners of its mouth. He couldn’t stop smiling at the sight.

He backed away to give them room, and another caretaker met him by the fence with another length of toweling, this time gesturing that it was for him. He believed she was laughing at him, but it was fine. He laughed as well, feeling a freedom and a delight rise in him that he’d never experienced before. He’d helped a new life come into the world. It felt wonderful.

When he left, the caretakers pressed a basket full of food into his hands containing vegetables he recognized from helping in the gardens, a pair of wrapped cakes of some kind, and a jar of what might or might not be fruit preserves. 

The sun was setting when he reached his hut. The evenings were growing cool, so he built the fire back and put one of the root vegetables in the coals still warm from the morning. By the time he got back from washing in the cold waters of the spring, the tuber had baked up nice and soft. He rolled it out of the fire and onto a plate.

He rubbed at his wet hair and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, shivering a little in the chilly air. The water in the spring was freezing in the best of weather and now that winter was coming it was downright icy. The warm vegetable would be quite welcome—provided it wasn’t inedible.

He assembled his simple meal of ration pack, unknown vegetable, unknown cake, and mystery jar. The skin of the tuber burned his fingers as he attempted to peel it. By using a combination of blowing and the Force he managed to brush off most of the clinging ash. Steam rose in the air. It smelled edible. He took a tentative taste. A little sweet, a little mealy. He dusted it with some seasoning. “Not bad,” he decided aloud. The cake was also a little sweet, a little nutty. The jar contained some kind of fish paste so pungent he had to take it outside the hut.

At last he sat by the fire, comfortably full, comfortably warm, and satisfied by the day’s events. The peacefulness of the light embraced him in a way he’d never understood was possible. He let himself be lulled into meditation by the flickering firelight, watching the flames dance, shadows wiggling on the walls around it. The coals glowed red but were shot through with threads of black ash. His heart slowed. His breath grew deep and quiet. __

_A black hole ringed with seaweed like the maw of some terrible monster._

_The crash of an ocean wave._

_Falling._

_Darkness._

_Cold._

_“I’ve never felt so alone.”_

He jerked back to consciousness, the vision imprinted heavily on his brain. The fire still crackled before him, but he shivered in the cold. That place. Rey had described it to him. She’d been sitting in this very hut. He’d sat on the floor of his quarters in Finalizer but he could see her. He had felt her surroundings. It was when they’d touched, his hand to hers, skin to skin for the first time. For the only time.

Why? Why had a vision of this awful dark place that had disturbed her so badly come to him right at the moment that he’d felt closest to the light?

He wrapped himself in a second blanket and tried to sleep, but each time his eyes closed he could see it again. He could feel it calling to him. Night had fallen completely outside, but as he opened the wooden door of the hut, the light of the moons illuminated the path before him. His feelings led him away from the path that led to the temple, down along the seashore to the opposite side of the island. The wind off the ocean whipped his hair into his eyes, cutting through the weave of the blankets wrapped around his body.

He knew what he was doing was colossally stupid, wandering off on a cold night to a cave strong in the dark side. But he had to do it. It called to him. It promised to reveal something that he desperately needed to know. 

He reached the edge of a steep dropoff. A black outcropping of rock stretched beneath him, glistening damply in the moonlight as another wave broke against it. In its center was the black hole of his vision, black seaweed stretching out of it on all sides. He dropped his blankets on a nearby rock to keep them dry and began to climb down the bluff.

The closer he drew to the hole, the more he felt it call to him. He held back at the edge of its pull for a moment and took a deep breath. Whatever it had to show to him, he was finally ready to see. So he walked to the edge and jumped.

The fall to the cove below was expected but the shock of the cold water still numbed his body almost immediately. He began to kick for the surface as hard as he could, finally breaking it with a gasp, partially of pain. The glow of the moons above illuminated the surface faintly and he made his way to the side. 

His fingers were too numb to grip the rocky ledge that bordered the cove, so he pulled himself out by digging his elbows into the rocks and sand. At last, he rolled out of the water and lay on his back, his entire body shivering convulsively. He forced himself to breathe, to fill himself with the light and warmth he knew the Force offered. Still chilled but no longer incapacitated, he stood.

Just as Rey had described, the side of the cavern appeared to be a black, glossy surface, what she’d referred to as a dark mirror. He took a step closer and was suddenly standing in a line. But instead of before and behind him as they were in Rey’s vision, these versions of himself stood on either side. Immediately beside him, they appeared to be almost identical, the same dark blue tunic, the same brown trousers tucked into his boots. But within a few copies, the differences became apparent—shifts in clothing and attitude changed one side into a younger version of himself, much younger, bearing a blue lightsaber he knew very well.

The other side changed over the course of his duplicates into a darker figure, caped and armored, the red fire of his lightsaber illuminating his mask.

“If you want to remind me that I stand between these two identities, don’t bother. I know that already,” he commented. He expected his voice to echo, but instead he heard the same words come from all his duplicates simultaneously. The chorus unnerved him, giving him the sensation that he wasn’t the real Ben, he was simply one of many.

He shrugged off his discomfort and faced the glossy surface ahead of him. He could hear the steps of his other selves as they also approached. Out of the corners of his eyes, he could see them raise their hands as well. He breathed in again and placed his hand flat on the mirrored rock. It was cold to the touch, and mist covered the surface so that he could not see anything but a dark shape that approached, small at first but growing larger until it too raised a hand and placed it flat against his.

The surface beneath his palm grew warmer, the hand beneath his was smaller. Now only a thin layer of force separated them and the mist cleared. “Rey,” he breathed. He gripped at the mirror, trying to break through it somehow to take her hand. He felt her with him, vibrant and golden in the Force. 

“Ben!” she sounded relieved. “There were so many of you. I wasn’t sure which one to go to.”

“You picked right. It’s me. Where are you?” He put his other hand up to the wall as well and she covered it with her own. The cool rock turned warm almost instantly.

She shrugged. “Where I’ve been since Exegol. Close to you but not close enough. Able to move through this space to see Finn and Maz, but nowhere else.”

“Have you seen Leia? Or Luke? Or anyone?” he asked.

“No,” she replied. “It’s just me.”

He had a sudden memory of her time in the cave before where she’d felt so alone. “That’s not fair.” He shouted out into the void around them, “Let her go!”

“It’s all right, Ben,” she assured him. “I’m not alone. You are always right there so close to me.”

“But just like now, right? Close enough to hear me but not to touch. Always together, always apart.” He sighed.

They stood there for a long moment, hands almost but not quite touching. Then he had a horrible thought.

“Are you waiting for me?” he asked. “Are you stuck in some kind of in-between place until I die?”

She frowned. “Don’t you do anything stupid.”

He’d already decided that jumping off the cliff would probably do the trick and had to backpedal. “No. Of course not.” 

Then he decided to be honest. “Why not? Sounds like an easy solution to everybody’s problems. The Resistance no longer has to keep feeding me and I get to join you wherever you are.”

“I wish Finn or Maz were here. Or you were asleep. It’s so much easier when you’re dreaming. Then you are you, all you. I can touch you for real.” She looked down and blushed a little. He cursed silently and wished he could remember his dreams better. Then she looked back up at him. “I don’t want to be a Force ghost in your world. I don’t want to be a dream you barely remember. I want to have you—all of you all the time. I hate being cut off from you like this.” She leaned in closer to her side of the partition.

He reciprocated. They each leaned against an invisible wall. “How did you know which one was me?” he asked at last. “What gave it away?”

“All the rest of them had a lightsaber. You were the only one without,” she replied. “Even the ones on either side of you had one in their hand even if it wasn’t ignited.”

He hadn’t noticed that. “I guess I don’t have one anymore. Mom’s has been fixed and put away, and I gave Luke’s to Finn with the rest of your things. It doesn’t belong to me, and I don’t want it.” He was a little surprised to notice that the hatred and resentment he’d felt toward his uncle had tempered to a simple sense of regret.

“There’s something broken inside you, Ben. That’s the black void I can’t get too close to,” she said sadly.

He stood there in thought. “Master Yoda pretty much told me the same thing,” he declared at last. “I’ve got something I really need to do. Can you ask them to come pick me up? The com links aren't strong enough to reach them, but it's time to go back to Kef Bir.”

She shivered and he felt the movement in her hands. “I don’t like that place.” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “Ben, I tried to kill you on Kef Bir.” Her image began to fade.

“Don’t go, Rey. It’s all right. You didn’t kill me. You saved me,” he tried to tell her but she was gone. He stood there pressed against the wall as the stone went cold beneath his skin. Then in a blink he was kneeling beside the hole again, waves cresting behind him.

-0-

He didn’t dream for the next week. He just slept and woke and ate and worked and slept again over and over. He went to the cave every day, willing her back to him, but the cave was just a cave and the mirror was just unusually flat stone. 

It also took him three hours the first time to find his way back out of the cave complex since the Force did not kindly deposit him back to the top. The second time he took a rope to climb back out. He worried that maybe anticipating the need for a second way out would show a lack of faith in the Force, but deep down he knew he’d had the vision he was supposed to have and his return visits were mostly to think.

Rey had told him the broken place inside him threatened to consume her when she got too close. He understood. For so many years that broken place had consumed him over and over, chewing up his spirit and spitting it out again more lost, more broken, and more angry than before.

Healing his mother’s lightsaber had healed part of it. He knew that was true. It was only after he’d made that step that he’d been ready for the vision in the cave. But he couldn’t do the next part until someone came to get him. Until then he was stuck on Ahch-to.

So he slept and woke and ate and worked and slept again.

When the Millennium Falcon landed outside the old Jedi village on the eighth day, he breathed a sigh of relief.

“About damned time,” he commented as the ramp lowered and Finn and Rose came strolling out.

“What are you talking about? We came as soon as Rey asked,” Finn retorted.

“That’s gratitude for you,” Rose sighed. “Same as on the day we saved his life.”

“So you just saw her?” Ben clarified.

“She came to see Finn and told us we needed to take you to Kef Bir immediately. So we took about an hour to tie up loose ends and get departure clearance, then came right here,” Rose stated, her hands on her hips.

Ben frowned. “How did she look?”

“Tired,” Finn snapped. “What did you do to her?”

“Me? I didn’t…” Ben stopped himself. “We had a shared Force vision about a week ago. I think it may have exhausted her more than I realized.”

“Shared Force vision, huh?” Rose asked accusingly. “Is that what you’re calling it?”

Ben looked down at her, momentarily afraid of the tiny woman standing before him. “Yes…”

“You shouldn’t take advantage of her like that,” she snapped. “It might be ‘just a dream’ to you, but it is real to her. She’s in a really fragile emotional state right now, what with being…dead and all.”

Ben just stared. Why in creation couldn’t he remember his dreams? “No!” he finally formed the word. “I don’t even remember what I dream!”

Rose gave him the dirtiest look imaginable. “She does,” came her retort in scathing tones. Ben felt certain that if Rose was the least bit Force-sensitive he would be choking to death right then.

Ben looked at Finn. “Don’t look at me, buddy,” Finn stated as he held up his hands and shook his head. “Rey shows up tied to me but spends all her time gossiping with Rose where I can’t hear them.”

“Come on, guys!” Poe shouted from the ramp. “This isn’t a pleasure cruise. We’ve got stuff to do.” 

And just like that he was on the ship back to Kef Bir.


	13. Chapter 13

The Millennium Falcon touched down on a grassy plain next to a gigantic gouge in the earth. “That’s your old landing spot?” Ben asked as he stepped off the ramp. “What did you do? Crash the Falcon into the ground?”

Poe fixed him with a hard glare. “Well, when you had your guys shoot off our landing gear that was pretty much our only option.”

“Yeah.” Ben closed his eyes for a moment, then forced himself to look the pilot in the eye. “That happened. I--”

Poe held up his hand. “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to her.” Poe hooked a thumb back over his shoulder to the Falcon and walked off to join Finn and Rose at the edge of the cliff.

Ben felt his shoulders sag. So many lost years. So much to atone for. He looked up at the underbelly of the ship. It had clearly been wrecked and repaired many times since he saw it last. He reached up and ran his fingertips over the underside, noting clear signs of this most recent impact with smears of brown dirt still encrusted in the landing modules. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I am, girl. I’m sorry I tried to kill you too.”

He took a deep breath and turned to the task at hand. He knew what he had to do. He just hoped to creation he had the strength to do it.

The ocean around the fallen Death Star was rough, but nowhere near as rough as it had been the day he’d landed there in pursuit of Rey. On that day, the gigantic swells and crashing spray had seemed to mirror the hearts of the two that had come there. Such turmoil inside them both.

When he’d finally caught up with Rey in the Emperor’s old throne room, she’d been insane with conflict. He hadn’t wanted to fight her. He’d wanted her to come with him to Exegol, for the two of them to combine their forces against the Emperor. But her onslaught had been vicious—too furious to dodge—and he’d been forced to ignite his blade.

As they’d battled across the causeways between the thundering waves, he knew the look in her eye. He would have seen it in his own on Crait when he battled Luke. 

She wasn’t fighting him. She was fighting herself. She was fighting the darkness he represented, a darkness he’d seen in her so many times starting in the forest on Starkiller base. Defending himself against her raw, furious attacks that day had finally exhausted him. She would have killed him then if the earth itself hadn’t parted them.

Their other altercations had been serious and demanding as she grew, but he hadn’t seen that level of fury in her again until Kef Bir. The Jedi was gone and only the darkness remained. At the first moment his guard dropped when his mother reached out to him, her first instinct had been to turn his distraction to her advantage, catching his lightsaber as it fell from his hand and turning it on him to strike a killing blow. 

But instead of watching him die, she’d healed him. The darkness had been replaced with regret and light—enough light to bring him back from the edge. Her mercy, his mother’s love, his father’s forgiveness—all had united for him on that bridge over that stormy sea. They’d given him strength and space to deny the darkness inside him and to hear Palpatine’s voice at last for the lie it was.

Throwing his lightsaber into the sea was supposed to seal it. He’d cast away Kylo Ren in his mind with that act, only to find that Kylo Ren was still an inexorable part of him, a part he couldn’t throw away. Instead he had to heal and that meant healing the crystal that had been a part of him as both Ben Solo and Kylo Ren.

“What’s the best way over there?” he asked the group, pointing toward the causeway where he’d nearly died.

“Skimmer,” came a voice behind him. He turned to see a dark-skinned woman approach. Her clothing appeared primitive, but interestingly, part of her headwear appeared to have been cannibalized from a stormtrooper helmet.

“Jannah, meet…” Finn clearly struggled with what to call him.

“A friend of Rey’s,” Ben supplied. “I dropped something in the water over there the last time I was here. I need to try to retrieve it.”

Jannah’s eyes narrowed as she looked him up and down. “Friend of Rey’s, huh?” She turned back to Finn. 

“Yeah,” Finn replied somberly.

“Well, ‘friend of Rey,’ if you dropped something in that ocean, it is long gone. The waves look bad now but you should see them normally. They crest at close to fifty feet on a good day. Anything you dropped has been buried in wreckage, pulled out to sea, or basically just bashed apart,” Jannah answered.

“I still need to get over there. Can I borrow one of your skimmers?” he asked.

“Hell, no! The last time one of you bunch ‘borrowed’ a skimmer, it got abandoned in the wreckage and basically just bashed apart,” she retorted. When the group attempted to argue, she stopped them, her hands held out before her. “Now I realize that larger concerns were afoot and I’m not saying I won’t take you over in a skimmer. But I’m not letting another out of my sight.” She leveled a hard look at them.

Within the hour, Ben and Jannah were crossing the bay, spray cascading over them as they crested wave after wave. “So ‘friend of Rey,’” she began, her voice raised enough for him to hear over the sound of the water. “What exactly did you lose over there?”

“A lightsaber.” Ben guessed the truth was probably the best option at this point.

“That lightsaber wouldn’t be a red, spitting, angry looking son of a bitch, now would it?” Jannah asked.

“Yes. Is that a problem?” He turned to face her.

“No, sir. I’ve been conditioned to obey the First Order. To obey you, Master of the Knights of Ren.”

He didn’t need to have this confrontation now. He just didn’t. So much to atone for. “I know your name is Jannah. If you don’t mind telling me, what was your designation?” he asked sadly.

“TZ-1719…sir.” Sarcasm dripped so heavily from her voice, he began to wonder if her offer of the skimmer had just been to get him alone to kill him. He racked his brain for anything he’d heard about TZ company. Then he remembered the defection of Company 77 at Ansett Island. Their desertion hadn’t gone over well at all with General Engell. Her trooper training program only got more brutal at the loss of an entire company. She’d bragged on it constantly to him as Supreme Leader, assuring him she would create an army worthy of him. Ben felt sick.

By this time, the skimmer had rounded the corner of a large piece of wreckage which formed a sort of bay. The waves quieted to a heavy swell, and she navigated to an outcropping where several pieces of rope dangled. She tied off the skimmer and climbed up the edge of the wall. He took another breath and climbed up to join her.

“So how do you want to resolve this?” he asked when they reached the top.

She looked at him curiously.

“I have apologized for so much so many times that I feel like it doesn’t mean anything anymore,” he explained. “I still mean it. I still hate myself and everything I did as Kylo Ren. All those lives are on me. Not on you. None of you are guilty of doing anything the First Order ever told you to do.” The wind kicked up around them, blowing his hair into his eyes.

“So, Jannah. TZ-1719. How do you want to resolve this for yourself? This is your chance. What do you need from me?” Ben held out his hands wide.

Jannah gave him a long look up and down. “Nothing. I don’t need anything from you.”

Ben nodded in understanding. Truly, he had nothing to offer.

She stepped forward. “But I do have something to give you,” she said.

He braced for impact, expecting her to throw a punch which he would gladly take. But instead she hugged him. “I forgive you,” she said into his ear. “Finn told me how you nearly died trying to dismantle the First Order. I’ve been helping him get troopers settled into new lives for the past several months. He said that’s because you got them out.” She pulled away from him. “You didn’t have to do that but you did.”

Ben stood there speechless.

She gave him a bright smile. “Now let’s see if you can find that lightsaber. I bet Poe you’d do it.”

“You bet I could do it,” he repeated her words absently, still shocked.

“You know I did. You’re Kylo Ren. I’ve seen you do some crazy shit,” she replied with a laugh. “Now come on. Get to work doing that thing you do.” 

He made his way across the causeways, working his way over rubble and leaping huge gaps. Jannah called out sarcastically behind him, “No, that’s okay, you go ahead. I’ll be right here.”

He turned to her and shrugged, then kept going. He was out of her sight when he reached the place. He knew he was in the right spot, not from memory but from the remnants of Force energy still hanging about. He felt his mother. He felt his father. He felt Rey. Waves crashed against the spot, drenching him from head to foot, just like they had that day.

He sat on the spot where he’d nearly died, where he’d felt his mother’s death, where he’d re-lived his father’s. So many lost years. So much death. So much regret. So much misery. So much everything.

Waves sprayed over him as he meditated. He tried to find a place of peace and reached for the lightsaber. Nothing. He tried to find a place of conflict and reached. Nothing. He sought a place in the middle. Nothing.

Then he remembered what Rey had told him about the dark place inside him, the broken place. If he could find anything, he ought to be able to find that. So he meditated.

_The broken place inside him is a little boy standing in tears over the shattered dishes of a state dinner. The staff look at him in fear and back away. He is both sorry and glad at the same time._

_The broken place inside him is a student overhearing a whispered conversation. “It’s only because of who he is. He’s nothing that special.” “Didn’t you see what he did to Feran? He threw him ten feet when all he was supposed to do was push him back.” “I think there’s something wrong with him. He’s not like the rest of us.” When they see him, they go silent. He is both hurt and gratified._

_The broken place inside him is a young man pulling himself from the rubble. He can’t feel his master or anyone else. Flames blaze from the temple, devouring it completely. The destruction is absolute and swift. He is both horrified and elated._

_The broken place inside him is a chasm of pain and inadequacy. He is never enough for the voice that drives him. Never enough to please his master. He seeks to fill it with darkness and violence. But as he watches his father fall from the bridge, the great gaping emptiness inside him only grows._

_As he remembers these things and so much more, he knows what he is._

_They all know what he is---his mother’s staff, his fellow padawans, his uncle, his officers._

_Rey knows. She is the first to say it to his face, but he’s always known it is true._

_Ben Solo doesn’t become a monster when he becomes Kylo Ren._

_He always has been._

_He always would be._

_He is fundamentally broken._

_Abandoned._

_Alone._

_Lost._

_Unworthy._

_When he reaches out his hand from the depths of his broken place, the lightsaber flies into his palm with a snap. He stands and ignites it and in the savage fire of the blade he sees what he is, what he has always been._

_A monster._

He gradually became aware of a voice calling to him. 

“Hey! Ren! Or Ben! Sir! Whatever!” Jannah shouted at him from the skimmer she’d maneuvered closer to his position. “It’s getting dark! We’ve got to go!” 

He extinguished the blade and clipped it to his belt. It felt right and wrong all at once banging into his hip as he leaped the gap between them and climbed into the skimmer. 

“Looks like you found it.” She gestured at his hip. “Took long enough. You done here?”

He nodded. 

The waves washed the skimmer back to shore quickly, as if the Death Star was done with him once and for all. He hoped so. He never wanted to see Kef Bir again. 

The sun was low in the sky by the time they got back to the Falcon. Poe, Rose, and Finn sat around a low campfire with several others dressed similarly to Jannah. They rose from their seats as he and Jannah drew near. Each had their hand on what he recognized as a standard issue stormtrooper blaster.

“It’s all right,” Jannah called out. Then she turned to him. “I think they’ve made dinner. Good. I’m starving.” 

He didn’t reply. He just swallowed and went straight to Poe. “I’m done here.” 

Poe glanced down at his hip. “I can see that. Grab a bowl. This stew is pretty good.” Then he reached into his pocket and passed a credit chip to Jannah. She smiled and tossed it into the air, then pocketed it herself. 

Ben glanced around the fire at the unfamiliar faces. A couple still wore their designation as part of their reconstructed armor. He shook his head. “No. But thank you.” He headed back up the ramp of the Falcon acutely aware of every eye on him. 

After a second, conversation started back up outside. He could catch snatches of it. 

“What? Did you think Kylo Ren was actually going to eat with us bucketheads?” one commented.

“He’s not Kylo Ren anymore,” Rose said. 

“Whatever. I’m just saying he’s still too good to hang with a bunch of troops.” 

Ben walked deeper into the ship to get out of earshot as he heard Jannah begin to chime in. “Wait a minute, guys,” she began but he closed the door of the cockpit so he couldn’t hear more. 

It felt so wrong and so right to be back inside this ship. He took the seat behind the co-pilot’s station and waited. 

Eventually, the door opened behind him and Poe walked in. “We’re going to overnight here. Leave out at first light once we’ve all had some sleep,” he declared with a yawn. 

Ben nodded and rose to leave the cockpit. Finn stood just outside the door. Ben unclipped the lightsaber, keenly aware that Finn took a half-step back as he did. “Hold this for me,” Ben said, holding out the hilt towards him.

Finn took another step back. “No way. I am not touching that thing,” he replied firmly, hands out. “I have a bad history with that blade.” 

Ben remembered Starkiller Base. If Finn hadn’t been just Force-sensitive enough to deflect part of the blow, he would have probably died there. He winced. One more thing on the list of terrible deeds he’d done. 

Finn raised one finger at him. “No. Stop,” he commanded before Ben could even open his mouth. “Don’t say you’re sorry again. Just don’t. All I’m saying is I’ve still got scars from that thing. I’m not touching it.” 

“I’ll take it,” Rose said softly as she stepped between them. “It’s okay, Ben. I’ll take it.” 

He released the weight of the black hilt into her hand. “Go lie down. Get some sleep,” she said gently. 

He nodded and walked back to one of the bunk areas. 

“Why are you being so nice to him? You’re never that nice to us,” Finn complained. 

“Shut up and go to bed yourself,” she retorted, but Ben could hear the smile in her voice. 

BB-8 chattered in the hallway about keeping an eye on the ship, as each of them found a bunk. Lights began to go out and finally quiet descended. 

-0-

_“I told her to keep an eye on you for me,” Rey said. She lay next to him in the bunk. “I’m worried about you. You’re alone too much.”_

_“I’m okay,” he assured her. “I’ve been busy. I don’t need a babysitter.”_

_She pulled his arm over her and snuggled closer. “I love dreams,” she murmured._

_“Apparently I do too but I can never remember them,” he sighed._

_“Remember this. You are not a monster. You never were,” she said, looking deep into his eyes._

-0-

He woke to the sounds of the engines starting up, his arms strangely empty. “You ready to head back?” Poe asked as he passed by. 

“Yeah. I’ve got work to do,” Ben replied.


	14. Chapter 14

They landed on Ahch-to in the middle of a thunderstorm. Ben thought it was entirely fitting. They waited inside until the weather cleared enough to only get drenched in the rain instead of blown away. 

“I know you all are ready to get back to work, but, Finn, I need you to come with me for a moment.” Ben turned toward the ramp but Finn didn’t follow. 

_“Basic courtesy, Ben. Use basic courtesy, please,”_ his mother’s voice echoed in his ear. He wasn’t sure if it was a memory or her Force ghost. He felt pretty sure it was just a memory. She’d had to remind him often enough. 

“Finn, would you please come with me for a moment?” he asked. “It’s pretty important.” 

“Yes, I will,” Finn replied smugly. “Since you asked nicely.” 

Rose and Poe had a good laugh at his expense, but instead of anger Ben only felt a little embarrassment and actually managed to smile at himself. “He’ll be back soon. I promise,” Ben assured the two. 

Rose just waved them away. “Keep him as long as you need him,” she declared. “Poe and I are going to work on the starboard thruster.” 

Ben’s brow wrinkled. “Is it giving trouble? Dad had issues with it ever since he traded for some bad parts. R2 managed a workaround, but it’s always needed adjustment since. Do you need help?” 

“No!” Poe immediately interrupted. “No. You take Finn and go do whatever it is you do. Rose and I have got this.” 

“Because I don’t mind,” Ben continued, glad for any reason to delay his next step. 

Rose put a hand on his arm. “Ben, I don’t know what it is you’re avoiding, but you’ve done so much already. You’ve faced down the Emperor and the entire First Order.” She gave him an encouraging squeeze and a smile. “You can do this too.” 

Ben sighed and nodded. “You ready, Finn?” 

“Why not? I don’t know the first thing about working on a ship,” Finn replied. “I think they’re glad for an excuse to get me out of the way too.” 

“No!” said Rose.

“Yes!” said Poe, and Rose clouted him on the arm. “Ow!” he cried in mock pain. 

Finn burst into laughter and headed down the ramp. 

Ben led the way back to his hut where he picked up a few tools. If this worked, he might need to do a little adjustment. Then he led Finn across the island to the dark hole, his rope still dangling. 

When they got to the edge of the bluff that overlooked it, Finn froze. “What is that place?” he asked suspiciously. “Why have you brought me here?”

Ben stopped his climb down the face. “You don’t have to get any closer. I just wanted you to know where it is in case you can’t find me when you get back. If the rope is down, you’ll know I’m inside.” 

“Yeah, but what is that?” Finn asked fiercely, jabbing a finger at the hole. “What kind of work do you have to do here? I can feel something...something awful.” He took a step back. “What are you doing here? Some Sith thing?” 

“No!” Ben practically shouted his denial as he climbed back up. He took a breath and continued more quietly. “No. What you feel here is darkness. Darkness often attracts evil or either evil is attracted to it, I’ve never been quite sure which. But darkness has lessons to teach, just like light. One of the trials a Jedi has to go through is a vision quest in a place of darkness, like this one.”

“So Rey did one?” Finn asked.

“Right here.” 

“Did you?” Finn’s tone had become more curious. 

“I did. But not as a Jedi. Snoke took me to a cave on Dagobah as part of his training,” Ben answered. “He said I’d find the things inside I wasn’t strong enough to bury.” He shivered at the memory. “The cave showed me Luke and my parents.” 

“Let me guess, you had to kill them to get out,” Finn surmised. 

Ben sighed. “I was still very angry at Luke. That was easy. But I couldn’t hurt my parents. I destroyed the cave instead,” Ben answered. 

“But then later on, you made good on killing Han.” Finn’s tone was even, not accusing. 

“Yes, I did.” It did no good to deny, to rationalize, to even consider any other answer. 

“I felt Leia die,” Finn continued. “She was reaching out to you. I could tell.” 

“She gave the last of her strength to reach me,” Ben admitted sadly. 

“Why?” 

Finn’s question took Ben by surprise. “Why what?” 

“Why did she do it?” Finn continued. “Why did she die to reach you, knowing what you did to Han, knowing that Luke died trying to reach you? Why? What made you worth all their lives?” Finn didn’t sound angry. He genuinely sounded curious, like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. 

“I wasn’t worth it.” Ben replied defensively. “I don’t know why they loved me. I never did anything to be worth it. I turned on them and everything they stood for. But they still kept trying, right up to the end, to reach me.” 

“Then make what they did worthwhile. Rey’s gone. You’re the only one left who can do what you do whether we like it or not.” Finn’s voice went cold. “Fix it. Fix yourself. Quit being a tragic disaster and help rebuild the New Republic.” 

Ben shook his head in disbelief. “They’ll never accept my help. Not after everything I’ve done.” 

“I’m not saying it will be easy, but the folks in the top levels all know what you’ve done to take apart the First Order. Everyone else has seen stormtroopers come out and start over. No one knows the inside of all this like you do. Start where you can,” Finn advised. Then he took a long look inside that dark well before them. “I can feel it calling to you. I know you’ve got something to do inside that’s going to change everything. So do it. Fix it.” 

“It may take a while. If you all need to leave and can’t find me when you come back, you’ll know where to look,” Ben stated. 

“I’m not leaving.” Finn took a seat on a nearby boulder and pulled his rain gear firmly around him. “I’m going to make sure you see this through.”

Ben nodded and climbed down the bluff to the ledge below. The ocean roared on the other side. He stepped through the web of plant growth that ringed the edge and knelt next to the rope, but before he could take it to climb down, he felt the force grip him around the chest and pull. 

He fell twenty or so feet into the pool and kicked up to the surface to gasp for air. The shiny mirrored wall beckoned to him as he blinked water from his eyes. 

_“Don’t be afraid of the truth of who you are,”_ his mother’s voice whispered into his ear. 

“I know what I am,” he told her as he pulled himself out onto the shoreline. 

_“Do you? Or do you just know the stories you were told--by Snoke, by Palpatine, by your own guilt? Look at yourself through our eyes, Ben,”_ she said gently. He could smell her perfume. _“You know why we tried so hard to reach you.”_

“You love me,” his voice broke. 

_“Yes. Were we weak and foolish?”_

The words burned. “No.” 

_“Rey believed in you too. And in the end she was right. You came to help her.”_

“Not that I did anything.” He took a seat before the wall and pulled out his tools. 

_“Didn’t you? Knowing you were there, that she was not alone, that was what gave her the strength to fight back.”_ Leia’s voice was firm and he could make out the shape of her form kneeling beside him. _“Was Rey weak and foolish?”_

“No. Never.” His fingers trembled as he took the lightsaber into his hands. 

_“Then see what we see. See the lie for what it is.”_

“I’m afraid," he admitted at last. 

_“Of what, son?”_ He felt her hand on his. 

“That I should have known all along. That I did know and did it anyway. I’m afraid I am more guilty than I think I am. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to live it all again.” Painful tension gripped his entire body. 

_“Before you can move on and before Rey can move on, you have to.”_ Leia’s voice was firm. He knew that tone well. 

“Rey?” he asked. “What does Rey have to do with this?” 

_“You two are bound together. Light and dark in balance. She found her place in the force, but you haven’t. You carry the heavy weight of the past. It’s time to let it go.”_

“Kill it if I must?” he asked cynically.

 _“No, Ben. Don’t kill it. Heal it.”_ The slight pressure on his hand faded as she did. 

The cave was silent but for the distant sounds of water dripping. He could hear his own ragged breath echoing against the rocky walls. 

He extended his awareness into the kyber crystal in the lightsaber in his hands. He remembered finding it, the way it had spoken to him. Luke had told him the crystal was flawed and would not be usable as a weapon. He remembered how angry that had made him. He’d dug out old texts on his travels with Luke, seeking construction techniques that had been lost in the purge, lost to the ages. He made himself an expert on lightsaber construction. He’d become determined to show his uncle he was wrong as he crafted it into a weapon worthy of a Jedi. 

When he’d ignited it for the first time, its steady blue sheen reflected his soul back to him. It was beautiful. Luke had been impressed. 

Snoke hated it. He called it a child’s toy and declared it unworthy of the heir of Vader. Ben shuddered when he recalled the torrent of rage, pain, and frustration he’d poured into the crystal in an attempt to make it something worthy of his new Master’s plans for him. 

“Show me what you truly are!” Snoke had hissed at him. 

He remembered how the crystal had screamed and bled, blue into crimson, as the full force of his unreserved emotions poured through it. 

“Stop! That’s enough!” Snoke had shouted to him. 

But it was too late to stop. Hurt, pain, loneliness, abandonment, anger, and fear poured out of the depths of his heart and into the crystal. How it had roared as its flaw became a crack!

“You’ve ruined it! Stupid boy!” Snoke had berated him. 

But in the darkness that overshadowed Ben’s heart he knew that he’d only given the crystal its true voice, the voice of the broken. Once the hilt had been reconfigured, he ignited it once more, its spitting unstable red anger reflecting his soul back to him anew. 

It had blazed like a tongue of flame as Ben Solo fully became Kylo Ren. 

Now he ignited it once more, feeling the pain and the fury in his hand, knowing that this would always be with him, but finally seeing the divide between his truth and the lies he’d been subjected to for his entire life. 

He wasn’t ready to forgive himself, but he knew he had to confront his past with clear eyes and see events for what they really were, just as he’d done with his mother’s lightsaber. 

So he extinguished the blade, closed his eyes, and let the past wash over him. 

-0-

_A dark-haired boy lay in the bed, no more than four or five. He thrashed and moaned in his sleep. Ben sat on the edge and placed a hand on his forehead._

_In his dreams, the boy had fallen into a deep pool and was drowning. He called out for help but was alone. Then he saw his mother sitting at a conference table and called to her. She ignored him. “Mama! Please! Help me!” he cried._

**“No one is coming for you, child,”** _a voice whispered, a voice Ben knew well._

_“Mama!” The boy strangled and sank beneath the surface of the water._

_Then the boy woke and sat up. “Mama!” he cried out in terror. After a few moments the door opened._

_“She’s not here, Ben,” said the young woman Ben recognized as one of the household staff on Chandrila. “She’ll be back tomorrow.”_

**“She’s never coming back,”** _the dark voice whispered._

_“I want my mama,” the boy repeated, rebuffing the woman’s efforts to comfort him._

_“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry she’s not here right now.” The woman sat on the edge of the bed. “Do you want me to read you a story?”_

_“No!” With his shout, the door to the room slammed shut with bang._

_Startled, the young woman leaped to her feet, clearly unnerved. “You just try to go back to sleep, okay?” she said and edged toward the door. “Leia will be back tomorrow. If you sleep, the time will go faster.”_

**“She’s afraid of you.”**

_“I’m sorry,” the boy whispered. “I just want my mama.”_

**“You’ve been bad. She’ll never come back now.”**

_The young woman had already left the room. Ben watched as the boy began to cry himself back to sleep._

-0-

 **“They want to get rid of you,”** _the familiar dark voice whispered. Ben could see himself a few years older now._ **“The staff is afraid of you. You’ve heard them talking.”** _His younger self stood beside a ship at a little distance from the other children._

 _His mother and father were having another discussion across the bay. He could tell his dad was angry._ **“It’s your fault they fight. They don’t know what to do with you.”**

_But by the time they reached his side, they’d put on cheerful faces. His dad ruffled his hair. “I’m jealous, kiddo. You get to go off and learn to be a Jedi. All they’ll let me do is fly a rustbucket with a cranky Wookie.” The boy laughed. “When you come home next, we’ll take a trip together.”_

_“Can we do the Kessel run?” little Ben asked eagerly._

_His father shook his head and held his finger up to his lips._

_“Han, you haven’t been filling his head with those old stories, have you?” his mother snapped. “No, Ben. You are going to be a Jedi, not a spice runner!” She kissed his cheek. “We’ll miss you, sweetheart.”_

-0-

_The academy many years later. He waited his turn with the training droid, thoroughly bored by watching Uncle Luke--_ **“Master Luke. You are just another student here, remember?”** _\--work with one of the others on a task Ben had mastered weeks ago._ **“None of them have your talent in the Force. Luke should let you move past them. He’s keeping you from achieving your full potential. He is jealous of your abilities. They all are. You are destined for greatness and they know it.”**

_A pair of the other students sat off to one side whispering. Then they each glanced over at him._

_“What?” he demanded angrily._

_“Your mother lost her council seat.” The girl who said it sounded triumphant._

_“What are you talking about?” Ben retorted._

_She sent him a link to the report she’d just received on her datapad. He scanned the headlines---”Hero of the Rebellion revealed as secret daughter of Darth Vader. Forced to resign council appointment.”_

_“What are they talking about?” Ben asked. “My grandfather was Bail Organa, Viceroy of Alderaan.” But his senses in the Force assured him that the truth had finally come out. His grandfather was actually Darth Vader, legendary evil apprentice of the Sith._

**“They lied to you. They hid the truth from you because they were afraid of the power of the dark side. Darth Vader was a great leader of the Empire. Learn about him.”**

_So he did. And all the while, the voice downplayed the atrocities and oversold the great order created by the Emperor with Darth Vader at his side._

-0-

_Over and over Ben watched his younger self be lied to, manipulated, seduced, coerced, bullied, and abused by the voice of Palpatine._

_Over and over, he saw the light surge in response, countering the arguments. But his younger self lacked the experience to realize how he was being manipulated. He watched Luke try to build his defenses, but Luke thought he was dealing with a boy, not the presence of evil itself inside that boy._

_He saw that boy become a young man, who loved his parents and respected his uncle but who was told incessantly that he was neither loved nor respected in return. Every ordinary setback was inflated by the voice into a heroic trial. Every misunderstanding was a deliberate attack on him. He watched himself grow paranoid, insecure, threatened by everyone, and told the only path to self-defense and strength was to embrace that fear and anger and turn it into power._

_Then the night came when his own uncle turned on him. He ran to the only place the voice would agree to--Snoke._

_In Snoke the voice came to life fully, placing him firmly into the grip of darkness. Ben watched as Snoke alternately coddled then bullied his younger self, teasing him with great reward then attacking him viciously for perceived failings, keeping him always on edge._

_He took great physical abuse, but was then shown tenderness. The small cruelties Snoke enticed him to commit were rewarded and turned into greater cruelties. He was courted by the Knights of Ren who offered him a place where he would be understood, where his darkness would be valued, not feared._

_The first life he’d taken had been in self-defense--or so he thought at the time. Now as he watched it replayed through more experienced eyes, he realized that the entire situation had been manufactured to bring him to that point._

_Over and over the lessons continued, build him up then tear him down, ask an atrocity of him to redeem himself. Treat any questions or doubts with disdain and punishment._

_And inside his head the voice repeated its litany of lies:_

**“You were born for greatness.”**

**“You are weak and foolish.”**

**“You are a great warrior.”**

**“You are a child in a mask.”**

**“Serve me and you will always have a place by my side.”**

**“No one else will ever care about you. They know what you are.”**

**“You belong to the darkness.”**

**“You are a monster.”**

_And until he met Rey, he believed every word._

_“You were not to blame,” he whispered to the little boy who’d scared the staff._

_“You were not to blame,” he told the boy who heard his parents arguing._

_“You were not to blame,” he told the young man who’d pulled a building down on top of his teacher._

_“You were not to blame,” he told the student of Snoke as he made his first kill._

_Then he faced himself on the catwalk of Starkiller Base. Ben stood next to Kylo Ren and watched his father gasp as the lightsaber entered his chest. He felt his father’s hand on his cheek then watched him plummet into the chasm below. Any second now, Chewie would fire, so Ben reached out and froze the moment._

_He stepped forward and turned to face himself, looking himself in the eyes. “What did you just do?” he asked Kylo._

_Kylo’s eyes were full of pain. “I killed my father.”_

_"Why did you do it?” Ben asked gently._

_“I had to. I had to prove that I was strong enough,” Kylo responded, but Ben could hear the paralyzing doubt._

_Ben put his hands on Kylo’s shoulders. “I’m sorry. It was a lie. You were lied to. Killing your dad did nothing but break you.”_

_“But I felt it,” Kylo began to stammer._

_“I know. What you felt was a lie. It wasn’t you. It was never you,” Ben assured him. “That doesn’t mean you didn’t do it. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to live with it. But it does mean that you are not to blame, okay?”_

_“But I still did it. I can’t undo it,” Kylo replied, anguish in his voice. “And if it was all a lie, then I did it for nothing! What does that make me?”_

_Ben pulled Kylo into his arms. “Blame Snoke. Blame Palpatine. They set you up. They pulled your strings from the time you were born. It’s not on you. It’s on them.”_

_Kylo put his face onto Ben’s shoulder and wept. “I’m sorry,” he whispered over and over. “I’m so sorry.”_

_"So am I,” Ben felt tears roll down his own face. “So am I.”_


	15. Chapter 15

The lightsaber in his hand glowed. His tears sizzled as they splashed onto the hilt. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been down there when he finally opened his eyes again. The crystal was quiet now. He had no idea whether or not he’d done any good. Judging from the burns on his hands, he decided something had happened. He tried to channel a little healing into them but had pretty much nothing left to give. Maybe Rey had left him some bacta. 

He took a deep breath and checked in with himself emotionally. Regret was still there for all the lost years. Sadness, so much sadness, was still there. But the crippling guilt had eased. Not all of it, but enough that he felt like maybe he could move forward. 

Forward into what he wasn’t sure. 

He pulled himself to his feet painfully. He had clearly been sitting a while judging from the pins and needles in his legs. He glanced up at the hole in the ceiling far above. It was still daylight. That was good. 

Carefully, he laid his thumb over the switch. There was every chance the cracked crystal had simply splintered and would explode the instant he ignited it. 

_Well,_ he thought fatalistically, _if it does, it does,_ and pressed. 

The cave suddenly glowed a rich purple. The hilt hummed in his hand. He could still sense a tiny bit of pop from the original flaw, but the power was steady and well-contained by the housing. The color surprised him. His mother’s saber had gone to lavender, but his was a dark, passionate amethyst. 

The only other record he’d found of this color in a lightsaber belonged to Jedi Mace Windu--a man of many contradictions as well. 

Ben decided that his crystal had chosen well. “I will make every attempt to be worthy to carry you,” he promised. “And I will absolutely rework your exhaust, once I’ve got some bacta on my hands.” He then extinguished the blade and prepared to wind his way out again. Climbing the rope was out of the question. 

But before he could move away from the mirrored wall, he caught movement out of the corners of his eyes. On either side of him stretched images of himself. He glanced to his right but the images did not change. Then to the left, still no change. Just duplicate after duplicate of himself. Curious, he raised the lightsaber and ignited the blade--all purple on both sides. 

He extinguished it again and walked closer to the cave wall, pressing his hand to it once more. The polished surface felt cool to the touch, very soothing to his burned fingers. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes. 

“Ben,” he heard her whisper. 

“Rey,” he whispered back. He opened his eyes to see her on the other side of the dividing plane, her hand pressed to his. “Let me guess, you went to the version of me with the burns.” 

“No,” she said lightly. “There was only one of you. It was easy this time.” 

The stone beneath his hand had begun to warm between them, which at first caused his scorched skin to sting, but only for an instant. 

“You seem tired,” she stated. “I think you could use a good night’s sleep.” 

“I don’t know about that. Rose seems to think I’m seducing you in my dreams,” he teased. “I sure hope I am. I just wish I could remember them.” 

She laughed. “Let’s just say you’re giving me lots of good reasons to remember you and want to be with you.” 

“Good. I miss you, Rey,” he said. “Maybe I’ve finally started to fix the broken place inside me, but I still miss you.” 

“I miss you too, Ben.” Her voice was gentle. “You’ve been through a lot lately. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you for it.” 

“It’s okay. It’s something I had to do myself. But it’s better. Not perfect but better. Maybe you’ll be able to come closer now,” he said, hope beginning to rise inside him. 

Her fingers moved against his and her presence lanced through him like lightning. Their palms met, really met--skin to skin, not skin to ghost. No barriers of clothing, no transcending distance with the Force, no dream. 

The intensity of the connection shook them both, and their fingers interlaced, hands gripping each other. They breathed as one. Their hearts beat as one. He felt her body vibrate in tune with his. 

_“Can you feel that?”_ her voice sounded inside his head. 

_“Yes. I feel you. All of you.”_ The Force surrounded and suffused them both, blending their energies into one, but yet still two, divided yet together, existing on both planes at once. He could feel the ground rumble beneath his feet. 

“We can’t stay like this,” she warned him aloud as her hand moved up his wrist. 

He tried to press through the plane to her, but the field pushed him away, forcing him to take a step back. Her grip on his wrist slipped back to his fingertips, and the ground trembled even harder.

He couldn’t let go of her, not again. “Then join me here,” he whispered aloud. “Please.” 

“It won’t be easy. I’ll need your help,” she warned. 

“Take whatever you need. Just be with me.” 

She nodded and closed her eyes. He felt their bond begin to glow more brightly, connecting them. “Let me come to you,” she instructed. “Don’t reach for me. Just keep the balance. Be the anchor.” 

He nodded. She began to push her hand through the blue shimmer of the wall that separated them, her fingers sliding up his to his palm then his wrist once more. She cried out once in either pain or effort. His first instinct was to step toward her, but he felt the imbalance begin before it started and he understood. He was the anchor. His job was to hold. 

The shimmering blue of the wall between them blazed like a sheet of lightning. Whatever barrier lay between the two planes in the Force began to stretch and pull. 

“Should we even be doing this?” he asked, raising his voice over the sounds of crackling energy. “Are we breaking some kind of fundamental rule of the universe?” 

Her hand reached his forearm. “I don’t care,” she declared, her eyes stormy and intense. “I belong with you. But I think I am supposed to do this. I feel like now I can.” 

A veritable storm of power swirled around them, roaring and flashing with every inch Rey pushed through. Ben watched and focused on breathing. In. Out. As she fought against turmoil, he sought peace within him, planted and strong. He breathed and calmed his mind and his emotions. He trusted her. 

She cried out again, clearly struggling against the boundary between them. He remembered the very first time he’d touched her mind, how she fought him. He felt that same fierce determination in her again and loved her all the more for it. 

She briefly let go of his arm as she shifted her grip to his shoulder, but he steeled himself against the need to hang on to whatever contact he could keep with her. He breathed and made himself immovable, letting the fight be hers. _“You can do this, Rey,”_ he encouraged silently, but wasn’t sure if she could hear him over the din from the barrier echoing in his ears and in his mind. 

All around him, a storm raged, a storm in the Force that threatened to tear the cave apart. He felt the ground tremble and crack. Above him he could hear Finn yelling. 

But he held firm. He breathed and centered his feelings, refused to allow fear any hold. Her other hand reached his fingertips, then his wrist. He wanted to reach for her, to pull her near, but he could sense just how tenuous their place was. Instead, he rooted himself more firmly as she fought through to him amidst the now nearly blinding surges of blue Force lightning.

He could feel her energy waning. “Take what you need from me!” he shouted into the maelstrom. Her hand reached his cheek and she drew on him. He didn’t hold anything back, pouring everything he had into her to give her the power to do this. 

Ben felt the world tilt beneath his feet but he held firm. He concentrated on the touch of her hand against his face. “Come back to me,” he whispered to her spirit. 

The chaotic forces that battered them now threatened to knock him down. He could not let that happen. She was right in front of him now, eyes closed, pushing her face and body through the blue veil of power between them. He poured more of his energy into her as she fought her way through it, inch by inch. Determination was etched into her face, and she growled as she stepped one foot forward. 

His heart beat faster, and he grew lightheaded. 

“Rey!” Finn yelled from above. “What are you doing to her? Stop!” 

Ben wanted to call back and reassure him, but it took all his energy to remain conscious. “You’ve got this, Rey,” he wanted to say, but a wave of dizziness washed over him. His breath came faster. 

Rey’s hand moved from his cheek to grip the back of his neck. Then the other grabbed at his shoulder. He wanted to reach for her, but he remained still. “Take what you need,” he whispered to her against the storm that still raged, making himself an immovable island in the midst of the sea. 

She screamed as she pulled her other foot forward, then slammed into him as if she’d fallen onto him from a height. Her arms flew around him as the Force storm calmed and settled. He felt her chest heave against his, felt the warm glow of her presence, but fainter than he’d like. 

He opened his eyes. She rested against his shoulder, her hair wild as if she’d been in a strong wind, her arms tight around him. 

“I made it,” she whispered. “I’m here.” 

“You’re here,” he responded breathlessly. “Can I hold you yet?” 

“Yes.” 

But before he could move, everything swirled around him. He was unconscious before he hit the ground. 

-0-

Voices. Her touch. More voices. A steady beep. Voices. Weeping. Her fingers gripping his so tightly.

-0-

Voices. Daylight. 

“Ben? Can you hear me? We’re going to move you, okay?” 

Lifting. Movement. 

Voices.

_Rey?_

“I’m right here.” Her hand on his. Her presence everywhere. 

_Good._

-0-

Darkness. Voices outside the door.

“…all I know is we can’t keep this quiet much longer.” That was Rose.

“And if we have to move him again, we need more help. I thought we’d never get him out of that damned cave,” Finn groaned. “My back still hurts.”

“I’m worried that he’s still out of it,” Rose said. “It’s been three days.”

“Rey said he pretty much gave her everything he had. It’s a wonder it didn’t kill him.”

Rey. He tried to form thoughts and words.

“Rey?” His voice was a harsh whisper. He couldn’t feel her close. He tried to reach out, but he just didn’t have the energy.

“Hey, Ben,” Rose came to his side. “She’ll be back.”

He tried to remember when he saw her. “I dreamed she was here.” He looked up at Rose, trying to read her expression. He couldn’t concentrate. He was still so tired.

“Go back to sleep, sweetie,” Rose said gently, pulling his blanket more firmly over his shoulders.

His eyes closed and the last thing he heard was Finn. “You are always so nice to him and mean to me and Poe. It isn’t fair.”

-0-

Ben woke to sunshine. That was unexpected. He never woke to sunshine. The sun didn’t shine on starships. He didn’t really have a window in the hut on Ahch-to. Besides, the bed was too big and too comfortable for Ahch-to. He opened his eyes, blinking in the bright light that shone through the window which revealed a blue sky and green trees outside. The walls of the room were a pale yellow.

He tried to sit up, but he was so tired.

The door opened. “Hey, hey, hey, don’t get up. Not yet.”

Rey ran into the room, alive and whole and real.

He had to be dreaming. He smiled at her. It was a good dream. He hoped he’d remember it.

“I felt you waking up.” She sat next to him and took his hand. Her presence rolled through him like a wave of golden light, lending him strength.

“We should have touched more. Before,” he said, his voice hoarse. "On Takodana. I'd have turned then."

She laughed. It felt so real. He hoped this dream lasted. “I might have beat you to it.” She sighed. “It’s better this way. Neither of us have to change for the other.”

Her fingers brushed through his hair, but his eyes were already closing. He barely felt her lips brush his forehead before he was gone again.

-0-

“Ben, wake up.” Rey’s presence surged into him. Her hand was against his cheek.

His eyes fluttered open. It was daylight again. Where were they?

“There you are.” She sounded relieved. “I need you to concentrate. Open yourself to the Force. Let it fill you.”

He took a deep breath and tried to do as she instructed. His head began to clear a little. “I’m not dreaming.”

She smiled at him. “You’re not dreaming. But you did almost kill yourself getting me back here. You’ve been out of it for days.”

“Are you okay?” He reached up to touch her hair.

“I’m fine.” She was sitting next to him. She’d taken his hand.

He felt her with him, her energy merging with his around the periphery of her being. Relief coursed through him. “I don’t think I can let go,” he admitted as he clutched her fingers even tighter.

“Well, you’re going to have to for at least a moment. We’ve got to get you awake and fed and ready to go public. I’ve put it off as long as I could, but the provisional council is demanding to see you,” she groaned. “Plus, it is really boring watching you sleep. I can’t visit your dreams anymore,” she added in a teasing voice.

“I never could remember them anyway,” he replied, trying very hard to keep his emotions in check. He just got her back. He did not want to scare her away by falling completely apart.

“Breathe with me.” Her voice was calm. “It’s okay. We’re both okay now.”

Ben breathed and allowed himself to feel the Force, soaking himself in the bond between them, letting her life fill him. She was alive. She was there. He could feel her.

After several minutes, he found a place of balance and focus, somewhere between stoicism and hysteria. After several long minutes, he felt strong enough to sit up. Then he focused on food, then on gathering enough strength to hit the bathing facilities, then dressing.

“You’re doing great,” Rey encouraged him from the other room, giving him more privacy than he really wanted, but keeping her touch on his spirit strong.

At last he sat in a chair, shaking from exertion, water soaking his collar, but fed, washed, and clothed. Rey took down a towel from the rack and walked behind him to dry his hair.

“I don’t even know where we are,” he said, relaxing into her touch. No one had done something as simple as this for him in almost twenty years.

“Chandrila.”

He shivered, partially from cold, partially from terror. “So the New Republic has its current capital on Chandrila. Again.”

“Apparently,” she replied, then she paused and put her hands on his shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

“I was born on Chandrila. On the day the Galactic Concordance was signed.” He shivered again. First Child of the New Republic, they’d called him. He’d hated that.

“Well, they’ve located here again since the Hosnian System was destroyed,” she declared.

Ben got up, went to the bathing room, and promptly threw up everything he’d just eaten.

“Ben? Are you okay?” Rey asked from the doorway.

“I’ll be fine.” He washed his face but couldn’t bring himself to look in the mirror. Instead he forced himself to breathe. He remembered what he’d told himself in his vision of the catwalk on Starkiller. He did the things he did. He had to live with the consequences. But he was not to blame. He reached out for his kyber crystal, to assure himself of the healing, but couldn’t feel it.

“Where is my lightsaber?” he asked Rey even though he already knew the answer.

“Secured,” she sighed.

He nodded. He felt vulnerable and exposed without it. “If they try to kill me, will you protect me?” he asked, only partially kidding.

“They’ve got mine--well, Leia's--too,” she declared. 

“Why yours?” he asked as they walked hand in hand across the compound to the council chambers.

“I’ve been dead for almost a year, Ben. They don’t know what I am either,” she sounded sad. Then she gave him a smile. “But we’re together again. We can handle anything they throw at us.” He leaned into her strength and confidence, letting the golden light of her energy combat the darkness of his own.

When the interrogation started—because it was most certainly an interrogation—they wouldn’t let Rey stay in the room. He answered their questions for hours, giving up everything he knew about the First Order, confessing to everything they accused him of that he actually did, and taking responsibility for everything else as the final remaining leader of the First Order.

They would probably have him executed, he decided. And while he could appreciate their reasons for killing him, he could not allow that to happen. Rey had just come back. There was no way he was going to leave her in the hell he’d just lived through, cut off from her, more alone than he’d ever been. At least when she’d been a Force ghost, she’d been able to sense him. But he’d felt utterly and completely alone. He would not let them do that to her.

They took a brief break for the midday meal. He was picking at what food they’d brought him when the world suddenly fell away. Rey sat across from him, connected via the Force. She reached for him. He slipped his fingers into hers with a deep sigh of contentment. 

“Are you okay?” she asked, concern evident in her eyes. It made him feel better to see it.

“I’m fine.” He tried to put as much assurance as he could into his voice.

“No, you aren’t. I can feel it, Ben. Drink something at least."

He nodded and took a sip of the water they’d put before him. 

“And eat something,” she added. 

He dutifully took a bite and another drink of water. “You know, when they put me in prison, at least we can visit this way,” he suggested. 

“True,” she replied, “but I have no intention of letting you go to prison.” 

“It might be out of your hands, Rey,” he warned. 

“The entire leadership--almost--of the Resistance vouches for you.” Her voice was firm and comforting. “I am vouching for you.” 

“Yes, but you’ve been gone almost a year.” He couldn’t say the word ‘dead.’ Not where Rey was concerned. 

She frowned, and he knew he’d hit on a legitimate issue. 

He squeezed her hand. “But you’re here now. I’m here. We’ll do what we have to do. They can’t separate us really. Not when this--” he put both his hands on hers “--is possible.” 

Some of the council members began to re-enter the chamber, so he reluctantly let go of her hand. “I’m fine,” he assured her again quietly and let her go. She was still frowning at him. 

He considered trying to read the mood of the group with the Force just to see where he stood with them, then decided against it. First of all, he didn’t really have the strength. Secondly, he just didn’t care. Let them think what they wanted of him. He couldn’t change the past. He could only change himself. 

The rest of the long afternoon passed pretty much like the morning as he answered every question as honestly as he could, constantly reaching out to touch the bond with Rey to remind himself that she was alive. 

Whatever else happened, Rey was alive. Somehow they’d figure out the rest.


	16. Chapter 16

The day finally ended and the council adjourned, instructing him to be ready to return in the morning. He agreed and rose to leave, reaching for Rey through the Force, relieved when her mind brushed against his. _“On my way,”_ she whispered to him.

He walked out the door of the council building and gazed out across the grassy park that lay before it. He’d played there as a boy, he recalled, waiting for his mother to finish yet another meeting. The lawn had seemed so big to him, an endless expanse of grass to run on. It was sad to see how small it had become in his eyes since then. 

He used to reach out with the Force--before he even knew what it was he was doing--and sense the grass and the trees and the little animals and avians that lived in them. While he waited for Rey, he closed his eyes and felt once more for those skittering feet and tiny wings. 

_Anger. Hatred. Vengeance._

Ben snapped open his eyes and spun toward the source of the emotions he’d felt just as the blaster went off. Reflex took over and froze the bolt mere feet from his face. It sizzled in the air as he stepped out of its path. 

“Murderer!” screamed the shooter. 

Ben pushed the bolt into the ground to dissipate harmlessly and began to walk toward the hooded figure. Another bolt sprang at him, but he was better prepared and merely deflected it away with a gesture. 

“Monster!” The voice was high pitched. He expected the would-be assassin to break and run, but instead they continued to fire. 

Ben considered disabling the blaster, then decided to let whoever wanted to kill him vent as much of their anger as possible. Only when he got within ten feet did he stop deflecting blasts and simply jammed the safety into the on position with a wave of his hand. 

Then he held the shooter in place. Surely someone either heard or saw the disturbance. He didn’t have long. 

“I understand,” he assured the young person in the hood. “Who did I kill that you loved?” 

“My father was on Hosnian Prime when you blew it up,” came the savage reply. Ben peered into the hood to see the shooter’s amber eyes and speckled green skin. 

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that,” Ben said. “But killing me here, now, is not the answer. My death won’t bring him back. It will only make things so much harder for you.” He reached into the young being’s mind lightly. “Harder for your mother and your sister. They need you with them, not in prison.” 

_“Rey,”_ he called as he took the blaster from the young female’s frozen fingers. _“I need you to dispose of this. Quickly. Can you?”_

Rey appeared before him. “Where did you get that?” she asked suspiciously, her voice taking on the odd echoing quality of their Force connection. She reached out her hand, and he passed over the blaster. 

_“I’m in front of the council building having a conversation,”_ he replied silently. _”Get rid of that thing and join me.”_

“You killed him,” his would-be assassin hissed, unaware that he’d spoken to Rey. 

“So you kill me. That makes you a murderer too. Are you a murderer--” he reached for a name “--Selra? Are you a murderer too?” 

“How do you know my name?” she asked, suddenly frightened instead of fierce. 

“I know a lot about you now,” Ben commented lightly. He reached out to check her real motivations. Just how far gone was Selra on her path to violence? “I know how hard things have been for you since your father died. I know how alone you’ve felt, how grief-stricken your mother has been, how your little sister doesn’t understand, and that you feel powerless to do anything about it.”

Selra began to cry. 

“Powerless people strike out in anger. I once had a teacher who taught me to give into that anger, to feed it and make more anger to fuel even more horrible acts of violence,” Ben said gently. “That is the dark side. Feeding that darkness feels good for a little while but doesn’t last. It leaves you empty and broken on the inside.” 

He released his hold on the girl and allowed her to take a seat on the steps. He sat down beside her. “Selra, you have to choose. If you strike me down in anger, I will always be a part of you, inside you forever. It’s much better that you let me go. I deserve to die for all the things I did when the darkness drove me. I earned every punishment that could be heaped on me. But I don’t want it to cost you your spirit.” 

A pair of security guards rounded the corner of the building, weapons drawn. “What’s going on here?” one demanded. “We got a report of blaster fire.” 

Ben shrugged. “I didn’t hear anything. Did you, Selra?” 

She looked up at him, disbelief evident on her face. Then she slowly shook her head. 

“Stand up slowly. Put your hands on your head,” the other demanded. Ben complied and allowed the officer to frisk him. “No weapons,” he declared. 

“Told you we didn’t hear anything,” Ben stated. 

“Shut up, Ren. I don’t know why you aren’t under constant guard as it is,” the first one snapped. “Where’s that Jedi that’s supposed to be watching you?”

Just then Rey came around the corner. “There you are. I see you found each other,” she said brightly, giving Selra a big smile. “What seems to be wrong, officers?” 

“Master Rey.” They both gave her a head nod. “Is he in your charge?” 

“He is,” she declared. “And everything is perfectly fine here.” Ben felt the weight in her words. 

“Everything seems just fine here,” the officers repeated. “Go about your business.” The two men turned and walked away without a backward glance.

_”Shame on you for fooling those poor men,”_ he teased silently.

_“You be quiet. Who was shooting at you? This poor thing?”_ Rey replied. 

Once they were out of sight, Rey turned back to him and Selra. “Now, just exactly what is going on here?” 

Ben opened his mouth to explain just as the remaining adrenaline faded from his system. The world spun around him and his knees buckled as he fought the urge to pass out, suddenly utterly exhausted. 

“Oh no you don’t, Ben Solo,” Rey reached for him both with her hands and the Force, cushioning his fall so that he sat on the ground instead of collapsing. “How many bolts did you catch?” she demanded. 

“Maybe five?” he guessed as he put his head in his hands, trying to will away the blackspots that threatened to take over his vision. 

“Can I go?” Selra asked anxiously. 

“I don’t think we need to turn you loose on the world right now,” Rey stated firmly. 

Ben opened his mouth to defend her, but Rey shushed him. “I agree with second chances in principle, but Selra here has some significant issues that have to be put to rest. She tried to kill you, Ben.” 

“I’m so sorry,” the girl said softly. 

“It’s okay. I know you are,” he assured her and reached out his hand. She took it and practically fell into his arms sobbing. 

“It’s just...I can’t...There’s nothing…” she stammered brokenly between breaths. “It’s so hard. It’s been so awful. I just wanted that awful to go away.” 

Ben held the girl and patted her back. “I know. We’re going to get you some help.” 

Eventually, he recovered enough to stand up again, Selra helping Rey pull him to his feet. Rey took her name and contact. “Go home. No more blasters. We’ll check in with you tomorrow and make sure you and your family get the help they need, okay?” Rey assured her. 

Then she gave Ben a sidelong glance. _“Are you sure she’s safe to release? I mean attempted murder, Ben. Your attempted murder. I’m not okay with that.”_

Ben smiled at her. _“I’m pretty good at getting information from people. She’s not a danger for now. But someone does need to follow up to be sure she stays that way.”_

“We’ll see you tomorrow, Selra,” Ben promised. “You behave yourself.” 

“Yes, sir,” she replied. Then she looked up at him again. “Thank you for not letting me kill you.” 

“You’re welcome, kid.” Ben stood with his arm over Rey’s shoulders as Selra disappeared around the corner of the building. 

“How did she manage to get a blaster and sneak this far into the secure area with it?” Rey asked incredulously. 

“Force-sensitive,” Ben replied. “Turned the wrong way, that one could become a deadly assassin. We’ve got to be sure she gets turned the right way.”

“Jedi training,” Rey stated with a sigh. “The galaxy needs the Jedi.” 

Ben sighed. “Jedi training has its good points,” he conceded as they made their way back to what he hoped was their shared quarters. 

By the time they got there, he was out of energy again. Rey helped him to bed. His eyes closed before his head hit the pillow, but he kept hold of her hand. “Stay.” 

He felt her lie down next to him. She wrapped her arm over his chest. “Always,” she replied softly. 

He slept. 

-0-

After three more days of questioning, to his deep surprise instead of throwing him in prison the council released Ben back into the custody of the Resistance, now called the New Republic militia. Also, to his relief he no longer felt like a walking zombie. When he met Rey outside the council chambers, she was beaming. 

“That’s it! We’re free!” she threw her arms around him excitedly. 

“Not exactly,” he reminded her. “I’m still technically a prisoner of the militia.”

“I think the generals in charge will be happy to turn you over to my custody,” she teased. 

He took her hand and together they walked back. Maybe it was the relief that the days of exhausting interrogation were over. Maybe it was that his strength had finally come back. All he knew was that for the first time since he’d woken up on Chandrila, he didn’t want to just collapse in exhaustion the minute he got back to the room. 

However the closer they got, the more nervous he grew. He never dreamed he’d be where he was. He’d never allowed himself to hope that somehow she’d be able to cross back over to him. He’d never imagined the possibility of a life at all, much less a life with her. 

She’d stayed with him each night. She’d slept next to him. She’d eaten breakfast with him. She’d bathed and dressed in the same rooms with him. But there had not been anything else between them. He wasn’t sure if there should be, if she wanted there to be. 

Now on the way back to dinner and an actual evening together at last, Ben was very nervous indeed. 

They made small talk about their plans for a Force training academy--Ben couldn’t bring himself to apply the word Jedi to himself, for all that Rey most certainly was. Selra was already enrolled as a student, Rey having begun her training the next day while Ben was with the council. 

He was excited about the future--their future--and basked in the glow of Rey’s light as she enthusiastically planned their next steps over dinner. She’d already laid claim with Poe to a building on Ajan Kloss.

“It has room enough to house twenty students,” she stated enthusiastically. “And a smaller house for us.” 

“For us,” he repeated. 

“It’s not very big, just four rooms, but that will be a palace for me,” she declared. “I lived in an AT-AT. Just being able to eat in a room that is not the bedroom will be glorious.” 

“So how many bedrooms does it have?” he asked nonchalantly. 

“Just the one. So any guests will have to stay in the main hall with the students,” she replied between bites of dessert. 

He must have broadcast something because she suddenly speared him with a look. “What?” she asked. “Is there something wrong with Ajan Kloss?”

“No. Sounds perfect.”

“The building?” 

He shook his head.

“The house?” 

He couldn’t answer her. Instead he ran his finger over the back of her hand, allowing her to feel the conflict inside him. 

“You’re worried about us.” She sounded mystified. “About what we are together.” 

He nodded, still unable to speak. 

She got up from the table, still holding his hand. “Come sit with me.” She pulled him over to the small sofa and sat next to him. “When I came through the barrier back to you on Ahch-to, I knew what I was doing. And when the first thing you did was collapse on me, I have never been so scared.” 

She blinked back tears as her memory flashed into him through the link. 

_She knelt over him weeping. “Don’t you die on me, Ben Solo. Not now. Not ever. You stay with me.”_

He understood the pain in her voice. He’d felt it on Exegol. He’d felt it on Nera—that sense of devastating loss each time he'd been forced to let her go. 

“It’s my fault you’re here and not on Ajan Kloss now,” she admitted. “You were completely unresponsive and I was pretty much hysterical about it. So Rose and the guys decided you needed the medical facilities here.” She closed her eyes for a second and took a breath. “I couldn’t feel you, Ben. For the first time since Exegol, I couldn’t feel you in the Force. I was terrified that I’d come back to you only to lose you.”

She gripped his hand tighter. “Then you came back to me. I could feel you there, just very deeply asleep. Rose thought you’d died when she came in and found me crying again over you,” she laughed and her tone was self-deprecating, but she wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye and sniffed. “I don’t really remember anything but this huge relief.”

“Basically, I had a few days in the medical unit before you woke up to think about things. And I had a taste of what it must have been like for you all that time after—” she paused “—after I left you on Exegol. We belong together. We always have. Even when I thought I hated you, I needed you,” she declared.

She leaned against his shoulder and wrapped his arm and hand in both of hers, but avoided eye contact with him as she continued, “Then I got to dream with you. It was wonderful. We went so many places. We…did so many things.” A faint blush crept over her cheeks. “I got to know you, really know you. It’s why I had to come back. It wasn’t fair to you. You kept telling me you don’t remember your dreams.”

“I don’t,” he slipped his hand over her knee.

“But I do. I know how you feel about us. About me.” She looked up at him. “I love you too, Ben,” she whispered and reached up to place her hand on his cheek.

Their lips met once, gently, as if the two of them were testing the waters. Then a second time. By the third, they’d both surrendered all restraint, desperately seeking even more contact, hands pulling away clothing, never losing touch with one another until they’d made it to the bed tangled in one another’s embrace.

They lay there, skin to skin, suddenly quiet in the depth of their connection.

The light of the Force suffused into him. He felt peace. Belonging. Wholeness. For the first time in his life, he didn't feel broken.

But their connection was always about balance—her light to his dark, her dark to his light—and the passion he saw in her eyes belonged to the best kind of darkness.


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning they were awakened by a knock at the door. Ben rolled out of bed and quickly pulled on some clothing. Rey sat up, the sheet falling away from her shoulders. She stretched innocently, but the sight of her sleep-tumbled hair falling over her breasts made him catch his breath.

The knock sounded again. He ran his hands through his hair and opened the door only a few inches. 

“You don’t answer your communicator anymore?” Poe asked. “We’ve been calling for the past hour. Rey said you were done here." 

“Is that Poe?” Rey called from the bedroom. Ben turned to see her standing behind him, somehow completely dressed, her hair twisted up into a bun. “Sorry. I guess I turned it on silent during the meetings yesterday and forgot to change it.”

“Well, we’re here. You guys ready to go?” Poe asked, glancing back and forth between the two of them, a slight frown on his face.

“Sure,” Rey said casually. “I need to go retrieve our lightsabers from security. I’ll be right back.” 

Ben watched her stroll away, dumbfounded, his attention returning only when Poe cleared his throat. 

He gave Ben a scathing look that said he knew exactly what was going on, no matter how nonchalant Rey had been. “Get your ass ready to travel, Ren. And so help me, if you hurt her, I will destroy you,” he growled.

Ben towered a good six inches over Poe and outweighed him by 40 pounds. Kylo Ren could quite easily throw the pilot across the compound with a gesture. But for just an instant in the face of Poe’s unwavering disapproval, Ben forgot completely that he had ever been Kylo Ren as he blushed to the roots of his hair. 

He nodded and closed the door, then let out a whoosh of breath. He threw on clean clothes and tossed their few odd belongings into the bag Rey had brought, all the while cursing under his breath that he couldn’t just put on a new mask. 

Once he’d finished packing, he stood bag in hand and meditated for a moment, breathing and pulling up a wall between himself and the world, a wall he hadn’t needed on Finalizer or on Kef Bir or even on Ahch-to. But somehow now that his job was done, now that all he had to do was live, he felt like a crab turned out of its shell. He had no role, no place, no purpose, no destiny. He felt exposed and vulnerable. 

He opened the door to see Rey returning, Leia's lightsaber on her belt and his in her hand. She held it out to him, but he saw Poe step forward. 

"Not yet." Poe glanced around. "Not here."

“Keep it for now,” Ben instructed, though the crystal called to him with a new voice and all he wanted to do was hold it and let that changed energy synchronize with his. 

Rey’s eyebrows crinkled as she glanced back and forth between him and Poe. “For now,” she finally agreed. “Just for now.” 

He nodded and shouldered the strap of the bag as they made their way to the Falcon. 

The trip from Chandrila to Ajan Kloss was quiet. Rey displaced Finn as co-pilot to Finn’s very evident relief. Ben didn’t even go inside the cockpit. Instead he spent most of his time sitting at the game table in the lounge, trying not to remember Chewie teaching him to play.

“What are you doing out here?” Rey asked as she came and sat with him once they’d jumped to lightspeed. 

“Too many memories in there,” he replied, hooking his thumb back over his shoulder in the direction of the cockpit. 

She nodded. “Poe told me that he threatened to kill you,” she commented casually. 

“He has plenty of reasons to do so,” Ben said with a sigh. “But he’ll have to get in line. I promised Chewie he could beat me to death first.” 

Rey laughed. He hadn’t thought it was funny, but hearing her laugh brought a smile to his face. She spent the rest of the trip telling him all about the settlement at Ajan Kloss. “You’ll like it. I know you will,” she assured him repeatedly. 

After a few hours in the major hyperspace lanes, the ship landed in the midst of a lush, beautiful jungle. Ben followed Rey down the ramp and into the settlement. As they walked past the various buildings, he became very aware of every eye that followed them, suddenly extremely conscious of his height and the fact that he’d unconsciously put on solid black when he dressed. 

He looked like a damned Sith, he decided as a war broke out inside him. One part just wanted to duck and hide; the other wanted to surround himself with an intimidating cloud of dark Force energy. 

Neither was an option. Instead he held his head high and walked quietly with Rey. 

By the time they reached the new training compound on the outskirts of the settlement, the heat had begun to soak uncomfortably into his black clothing. “I need to change,” he said. “Do I have anything else to wear?” 

“You should. We brought everything from Ahch-to with us,” she said. “Why?”

“For one, it is insanely hot here. For another, I feel like a walking holo-ad for the dark side. I just spent the past several days confessing to every single thing I did with the First Order. I don’t need to remind everybody I see just who has shown up to live with them.” He paused as they met a group on the path just outside the gate.

“Wow! Rey!” a young blonde woman squealed as she ran up to them. “I can’t believe you’re back! You look so good!”

Ben watched as Rey gave her a big hug and smile. “Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated,” she said with a smile and a shake of her head. “I’d have never made it out of there without Ben though.” Rey hooked her elbow through his.

“This is Ben?” the young woman’s eyebrows raised. “I didn’t expect you to be so tall.”

Ben had no response to this statement.

“I mean when they all said that Han and Leia’s son had been found with you on Exegol after being missing for so long, I just kept imagining somebody much younger,” the blonde woman laughed. “Anyway we are so glad to have both of you home! If you need anything just let us know.”

Rey made a quick round of introductions that Ben promptly forgot, still completely stunned by the cover story that had apparently been circulating. The group passed on their way, Ben still speechless.

“So I was trapped on Exegol for seven years?” he finally asked. “I’m not Kylo Ren?”

She gave him a hard look. “Do you think for an instant Han and Leia went around telling the world that their missing son Ben had become Kylo Ren? Only the people closest to them had any idea. And you’ve already made peace with most of them.”

Ben’s entire worldview shifted. “Snoke told me…” he began.

_“They all know what you’ve done. You killed Luke Skywalker. You destroyed the temple and killed everyone in it. Do you think for an instant they will forgive you for that?” Snoke sneered at his weakness. “Leia Organa, daughter of Vader and mother of Kylo Ren! What delicious gossip for the Republic to devour! As if you could ever return?” His laugh echoed around the chamber. An unseen hand slammed Ben painfully onto the floor and pressed him against the hard stone so that he could not breathe. “You belong to me now,” Snoke hissed._

Rey touched him on the shoulder. “That’s the house,” she said gently, pointing ahead to a small, low structure. “I asked them to put clothes and food in there. Change and I’ll show you the training course.”

He nodded and went inside, barely noting the furnishings, Snoke’s chambers still vivid in his mind. He found the sleeping area and stripped out of the black, dressing instead in a light colored, sleeveless shirt and lightweight trousers tucked into his boots.

“That’s a good look,” Rey declared with a glint in her eye as he walked back outside into the sunshine. Then she held out his lightsaber.

Ben hesitated.

“It’s okay,” she assured him. “This is who you are.”

He reached out and let his fingers wrap around the hilt. He just held it for a long moment, feeling the sleeping energy of the kyber crystal at its core. It was his. It was him. It was the same. It was different. He ignited the blade, his breath catching in his chest at the sight—dark, vibrant amethyst, 90% steady with only the occasional flicker from the flaw, the additional exhausts no longer needed. 

He gave it a spin, feeling the surge of power as it swung through the air. He might need to keep an exhaust bleed, just to be certain it wouldn’t overheat—nothing like before but still something to ease the pressure when the blade was put under strain.

“The course is that way.” Rey pointed toward a narrow path that led into the undergrowth. “Run.” She touched an interface she now wore on her forearm. A buzzing sound signaled the approach of a training droid. She smiled at him as if she knew some deep secret about him.

He just stared at her, unable to focus on the training droid until it zapped him in the shoulder blade.

“Ow!” His unconscious yelp made her smile even wider.

He parried the bolts the droid fired at him with only a small portion of his attention. The rest was centered on her. 

“The course is that way,” she repeated. “Now go! Run!” She made a shooing motion with her hands so he did. He ran.

The path led into the forest, at first just straightforwardly into the trees. He ran across the fallen leaves and soft dirt, a surface totally unlike the long halls of Finalizer. Life teemed around him—growth and light weaving through everything. The air filled his lungs with a freshness he never experienced on ship. When he encountered the first obstacle, a stack of fallen tree trunks, he misjudged the stability of the round logs and nearly turned an ankle before turning his tumble into a roll.

He brushed the dirt from his shoulder as he ran further down the path. The obstacles continued to be varied and challenging in a very organic way, forcing him to climb, jump, run, and dodge everything from swinging tree trunks to falling nets. He felt the presence of small animals watching curiously as he passed. The living Force flowed through him, empowering him and cleansing him of conflict and doubt.

An energy hung around the obstacles as well—mostly Rey’s, but he also felt traces of his mother’s presence in key locations. It felt both good and sad. Ahead he spotted a wide gap in the path, bridged only by a single narrow log. He debated running the log then decided not to trust it with his weight. Instead he picked up his pace and leaped the ravine into a three point landing, his breath heaving in his chest.

But before he could move, something artificial tweaked his senses. He stayed low as four training droids darted out of the trees, surrounding him. He breathed and focused, allowing the Force to flow through him to counter their attacks. The amethyst lightsaber felt so right in his hand, its energy strong and passionate. He lost himself in movement, grateful to use his blade in a place of peace rather than conflict. His usually savage, heavy fighting style grew more fluid and graceful as a sense of oneness came over him.

“Coming in,” Rey yelled from the side, then slid beneath one of the floating spheres to join him, his mother’s lightsaber in her hand. His dark amethyst flashed beside her lavender as the two of them easily fought off the darts of the droids.

“You made it not fun anymore,” he complained.

“Oh, it’s about to be fun,” she declared. “Now, BB-8!”

The little orange and white unit whistled from the side of the clearing, and six more training units darted out from the trees, weaving and attacking in tight waves.

“You call this fun?” he teased. “I’ve fought ten by myself before.”

“Why?” she sounded horrified.

“I was in a bad place,” he answered as the droids sent a curtain of bolts raining down.

A dart flashed through her hair as she spun. “I believe it. This is crazy.” Despite her words, she wasn’t even breathing hard.

She slid her free hand around his hip for guidance as she ducked low to swing her blade inside the nearest droid’s close contact field, causing it to deactivate and drop to the ground. She parried a dart from overhead, then thrust the point of her lightsaber into the attacking droid’s cutoff range, so that it dropped as well.

“Oh, are we deactivating them?” he asked with a smile.

“What else would we do?” she asked curiously.

“I cut mine apart,” he admitted as he circled around her to catch a trio of bolts heading for her side.

“That’s wasteful,” she declared. “We don’t have an endless supply of these.”

“True. But I had a lot of issues to work out,” he explained, putting a hand on her shoulder as he closed in to keep a pair of droids from separating them. If they got separated, it would be much harder to defend themselves.

Suddenly he was back in Snoke’s throne room, fighting side by side with her against the praetorian guard. He remembered her fury against the red-garbed troopers. He’d been nearly choked to death that day because he couldn’t stop watching her. She was fierce and beautiful, and he’d never wanted anything as much as he wanted her.

“I should have touched you that day,” he said, his attention so deep into his memory that he almost missed a low parry and took a bit of static to his knee. “I should have touched you and let you turn me.”

“Finish deactivating these droids and I’ll let you touch me now,” she responded, running her free hand around his hip again.

He reached out and with a single clenching motion, channeled the Force to press the deactivation button on each of the remaining droids at once. They dropped to the grass with a series of thuds.

“Ben!” she laughed as she extinguished her weapon. “That’s not what I meant.” 

“I don’t care what you meant. I only heard what you said,” he teased as he ran his fingers into her hair and bent to kiss her neck and shoulder. When she gasped in pleasure, he pulled her even closer, his other hand at her hip. He leaned into the bond between them so he could feel her spirit as well. 

Her fingers twisted into his hair as she pulled him in for a deep kiss, but the physical sensations of her touch paled in comparison to the intensity of her emotions. Her desire circled around and through him---a deep need to be with him, to belong to him, to own him in return, to have his name, to claim his family as her own, to make a family with him. For the first time, he understood that she wasn’t just bound to him. She truly loved him.

He pulled back and looked into her eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked. “I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing.” He was still a black hole of need, desperate to keep her close to him, to cling to her presence. She deserved so much more than a drowning man.

“I don’t know what I’m doing either,” she assured him. “I’m supposed to be a Jedi Master with only a few months of training and a set of books I haven’t finished reading.” She put her hand on his cheek. “So much has happened in such a short time. I’ve only been back with you for a few days. It’s okay now. We’ll pull it all together. Just give it time.”

“Don’t let me drown you,” he said softly. “I promise I’m going to get better.”

“I know,” she assured him, then hooked her arm in his and asked BB-8 to reactivate the training droids and send them back to the building they’d decided to use as a school. “So how are we going to find students?” she asked him as they wound their way back through the jungle.

“How long did it take you to realize Finn was Force-sensitive?” he asked.

“A while,” she admitted.

“Really? I am surprised. I could sense something about him on Starkiller for sure. Maybe sooner,” Ben stated, then immediately regretted bringing it up.

They picked their way over a large fallen tree. “In my defense, I didn’t know _I_ was Force-sensitive. Not until you.” Rey shot him a mock-dirty look.

He wanted to flirt back at her, then realized what she was talking about. Interrogation. Then he remembered that he’d also pretty much tortured Poe nearly to death. And tried to kill all of them at least a few times. Thank the Force he hadn’t succeeded.

She poked him in the ribs, and he realized he was frowning. “Get your head out of the past, Solo. It won’t do you or us or them any good. You know that.” She squeezed his hand as they walked. “Meanwhile, they all like you now.”

He couldn’t help his huff of disbelief. “I don’t like me. There’s no reason in creation they should.”

“Anyway,” she deliberately led him back to the subject, “how do we find students?”

He took a different tack. “Can you tell now that Finn is Force-sensitive?”

“Yes. There’s something like a ripple around him.” She looked at him askance. “So we have to go around observing people for ripples in the Force? That might take a while.”

“I believe there might be an easier way, especially with the two of us working together,” he suggested. “Do you mind doing a little dual meditation?”

“You can do that?” she asked curiously. “I assumed meditation was a private thing.”

They entered the compound of the soon-to-be school. “It usually is. But two people can meditate together to do certain things, like discover information or find things.” Ben held open the courtyard door for BB-8, who beeped a thanks at him. He couldn’t help but smile. “I think we can probably work together well enough to find people, maybe even across the galaxy.”

Her eyes widened. “Have you done this before?”

“Yes. Dual meditation is usually done by a master and student. Generally to teach the student something about the Force,” he explained.

“So you meditated with Luke?”

“And Snoke.” The admission hurt. So had Snoke’s lessons in the Force. He shrugged it away. “I think our connection might be strong enough to reveal potential students—probably the ones the Force wants drawn to it first.”

The gathering room of the school was fairly sparse at the moment. There was only one large rug and a stack of floor pillows in one corner, enough to seat maybe seven people. On the entry table, Ben noticed a box and headed over to open it. A note labeled “Rey” lay on top so he stepped aside.

She opened it and read. “It’s from Finn. He says these are my personal belongings. He and Rose made a run to Coruscant and they expect to be invited over for dinner when they get back. Poe wrote, ‘Me too’ on the bottom.” She laughed. “Does this place even have a kitchen? Can you cook? I can only open rations.”

He laughed. “Not really. I haven’t had to cook for myself in a very long time.”

She opened the top of the box and squealed, “The Jedi texts! And my bag! I thought it was lost on Exegol!”

Ben watched her pull out ancient book after ancient book, his eyes growing wider with each reveal. “Are those what I think they are?” He stepped forward and reached out a hand, then pulled it back. Those books weren’t his to touch. “Luke looked for those forever. Let me guess. They were on Ahch-to.”

“In a huge, ancient tree,” she stated. “We need to find a very safe, very special place for them.”

“I agree. They should have something to say about meditation techniques,” he noted.

“Probably. I haven’t been able to study them like I wanted,” she said sadly. “They aren’t very readable.”

“That I understand. Try reading Sith texts sometime. They’re fifty percent lunatic ravings, fifty percent evil ritual, and one hundred percent incomprehensible,” he declared with a sigh.

“Why in creation were you reading Sith texts? You’re no Sith.” She gave him a hard look.

“You know why. Sith Holocrons. The map to Exegol.” A sick headache began to grip his temples.

“Same thing here.” She sighed. Then she took both his hands in hers. “No more Sith texts. Anything we need to know going forward, we hunt down in those,” she nodded at the stack of old books. “Deal?”

“Deal.” However, Ben had no intention of ever touching them. He was no Jedi. Rey would be the researcher going forward.

She turned her attention back to the box, pulling out her bag. “I can’t believe they found this.” She began to dig through it. She laughed when she pulled out the old Jakku ration pack. “See what I mean. I can only open rations! Why on earth would anyone keep this?”

“Because you had it,” he replied.

Rey’s eyes pierced him. “You. You took it from Exegol. From Luke’s ship. After I…”

He suddenly remembered something, and he used that memory as an excuse to evade her gaze. He wasn’t quite sure he could handle revisiting that day with her. Not yet. “I’ll be right back,” he declared.

He ran to their house and found the trunk from Ahch-to. He knelt in front of it and opened it. The item he was looking for lay carefully packed in between the blankets, put to bed almost.

He took it out and held it for a moment. “Time to go home,” he whispered.

Rey was placing the Jedi texts onto a bookshelf she’d dragged in from another room. Her eyes softened when she saw the little doll in his hand. “I wondered where that had gotten off to,” she said softly. “She went everywhere with me. My only friend.”

“After Exegol, she went everywhere with me.” Ben handed it over. “I gave everything else back to your friends, but I could still feel you in her.”

“Really?” she asked curiously and held the doll in her hands and closed her eyes. A moment passed. Then she said, “Ben, I feel you.” He watched her commune with the little doll, growing more uncomfortable with each passing second. Grief clouded her face, a desperate unyielding grief. Tears began to flow from her eyes.

“Don’t do that, please,” he began as he reached out for her.

“Oh, Ben,” she said with a sob. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Ben.” She threw her arms around him and wept against his shoulder, wept for him, for his hurt, for his loss.

“It’s okay,” he assured her. “It’s over. It’s done. You’re here. I’m here.” He held her and comforted her until the storm ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got to thinking that it was way more likely that Ben's identity as Kylo Ren would be a super well-kept secret. Nothing bad on Han and Leia but gee whiz, talk about put a serious negative on the whole Resistance general thing if everybody knows that your son turned out to be the top servant of the bad guy. Plus nobody else really seems to know about any connection between Leia and Kylo Ren, mostly just Rey and she's not talking to anybody. 
> 
> So if only a select few know anything about it, it makes it so much easier to just tell another cover story to ease Ben back into society. Feel free to disagree! My feelings are not hurt one bit! But for me, the struggle Ben has inside himself to integrate is much more interesting than him trying to convince every single person in the Resistance that he's changed. The big dogs on the New Republic council are satisfied by his disintegration of the FO. In fact, I wouldn't have put it past Poe to try to insinuate that Ben was their spy all along, not Hux. I mean Hux is history. Why not use it? But since all this is from Ben's POV, he has no clue.


	18. Chapter 18

Ben surveyed the grocery section of the supply group with a sinking heart. Dinner with Rey’s friends was tonight and the two of them had no idea what or how to cook. A small basket of root vegetables caught his eye, and he picked them up with an unexpected sense of confidence. “I can cook these," he assured Rey. "But only if we build a fire.”

She stood over a rack of other produce, clearly at a loss. “I don’t know what any of this is,” she groaned. “I have no idea what to do with it.”

Ben joined her. Some things he recognized from the dinners at his parent’s house, but their meals had always been prepared by staff. He shrugged. “My mother was a princess on the New Republic council. My dad was a smuggler. She knew how to order food and he knew how to smuggle it. I don’t know where to begin.” He put his arm around her shoulder. “We need help.”

Rey touched her commlink. “Rose? Are you busy?”

Rose sadly informed them that she was about to go into a staff meeting. “Don’t worry though. I’ll be at dinner,” she assured Rey cheerfully.

“Who else can we call?” Rey asked, looking up at Ben with desperation on her face.

“For what?” a voice asked from behind them. Poe stood over the selection of proteins, picking over them with a look of knowledge on his face.

“Dinner,” Rey grabbed him by the arm. “Do you know how to cook a dinner?”

Poe laughed. “I’m a guest! I’m not supposed to cook! That’s for you guys to do. Or just use the synthesizer.”

“It’s down again. And there’s all this real food to eat. Come on, Poe,” Rey begged. “We don’t know where to start.” Then her eyes brightened as she pointed at Ben’s basket. “Except we know how to cook these. Ben does.”

Poe shook his head. “Trust me, you don’t want those. They’re too bitter this time of year. You buy them and age them for a few months. Then they’re good.”

“Then we’ll store them for later,” Ben stated, determined to leave the stand with something he could contribute. “Thank you,” he added probably more delayed than he should have, but at least he remembered to try to be polite. It felt like a victory.

Poe watched them poke aimlessly around the selection of starches. “No. Neither of you know anything about cooking.” He sighed. “I’m free this afternoon. I’ll help.” Rey squealed her thanks and threw her arms around him. Poe just nodded back at her and patted her arm. “What do you want to have?”

“Anything but rations,” Rey stated with a look at Ben. He nodded in agreement, delighted by her enthusiasm. 

Poe wandered around the stand, Rey following closely, and selected several items. “I’ll teach you two helpless infants how to make stew. It’s hard to screw up, lasts for days, and gets better the longer it’s stored.”

They headed back to the little house at the school where Poe began to pull out knives, wooden boards, and a large pot. “You two start chopping these into pieces this big.” He held his finger and thumb about two centimeters apart. He passed them each several vegetables. “Peel those,” he instructed Ben, pointing to a pair of long purple things.

“How do you know how to do this?” Rey asked as they tackled their piles.

“Just growing up at home,” Poe replied matter of factly. “My mom had a special recipe. So me and my dad made it pretty often.” He glanced over to where Ben was attempting to peel the purple things. “No, you’re taking off too much of the good stuff,” he complained, then dug around in the storage unit and gave him a smaller knife. “This will help.”

He watched the two of them for a minute then yelled, “Stop! I swear you two might be lightsaber masters but you don’t know anything about using a knife. Where did you even come from?”

“Desert planet. We didn’t have real food. Just rations,” Rey stated as she watched Poe begin demonstrating how to hold the knife.

Ben had no idea how to answer. Childhood state dinners followed by student dining followed by First Order meal service? “No place that cooked,” he answered finding himself just as fascinated as Rey by the pilot’s skills.

“Where did you grow up?” Ben asked Poe after the demonstration, taking over the peeling duties again, now more comfortable with what he was doing.

Poe swirled some oil into the pot and began stirring in some very aromatic items over the heat. “Yavin 4. Mostly with my grandfather when I was little. Then with my parents from when I was about six.”

Dameron. Yavin 4. Ben frowned, searching his memory. “Who were your parents?”

“Shara Bey and Kes Dameron,” Poe answered. “Why?”

“Shara Bey is your mom?” Ben couldn’t help the admiration in his voice. 

Poe nodded, but there was a bit of hesitation. “Yeah.” 

“Who’s Shara Bey?” Rey asked as she chopped. 

When Poe didn’t answer, Ben continued, “Shara Bey is a legend. I grew up hearing all kinds of stories about her and Kes. Dad called her the best pilot in the Rebellion. And that’s saying something from him because he regularly told me he was the best pilot in the Republic.”

Poe stopped stirring. “You know some stories about my mom and dad?” he asked Ben curiously.

“Tell us one!” Rey seemed very excited. 

Ben began retelling the one he always asked for. Shara Bey had led Leia and Queen Sosha Saruna in a fighter attack on Imperial satellites that were going to destroy the planet of Naboo. His mother had told it very dramatically, highlighting the narrow misses and the daring maneuvers pulled off by Shara. He loved the story as much for his mother’s enthusiasm in telling it as for the excitement of the adventure. 

As Ben recounted the story, Poe became more and more interested to the point that he pulled the pot off the heat to listen. Rey had completely stopped chopping.

When Ben finished, Poe fixed him with a hard stare. “I never heard that story before. Not like that.”

Ben shrugged. “That’s how my mother told it.”

Poe turned back to the cooktop. “She died when I was eight,” he said after a moment. “My dad told me all he could, but I guess he never heard it from that perspective.”

“Is he still alive?” Rey asked.

“No. He died while I was acting like a stupid kid on Kajimi. Same disease got them both. I think maybe from exposure to Imperial explosives during the Rebellion,” Poe stated as he poured a large measure of liquid into the pot.

“I’ll be glad to tell you all the ones I can remember,” Ben offered. “My mom never told me that Shara died. Or that she had a son. Just that she was a fantastic pilot and your dad was a great warrior. You know he blew up the shield generator on Endor, right? With my parents?”

Poe never looked up as he stirred. “Yeah. Funny, isn’t it? Our parents were so close, and I had no idea you existed until you tried to rip that map location out of my head.”

Ben went back to his chopping, head down.

“So your moms saved Naboo?” Rey broke the long silence that followed. “I might be from Naboo. Well, my parents might be.”

Poe glanced over his shoulder at her. “Really? We should go find out.”

Rey smiled at him. “Yeah. We should.” She looked over at a very confused Ben.

“Naboo?” he mouthed at her behind Poe’s back.

She tilted her head meaningfully at him and started humming an old lullaby his mother had learned on Naboo. For some reason he kept thinking of looking at stars in the desert.

Poe began to add ingredients into the pot. Rey watched carefully, but Ben just watched Rey. She was so excited by everything, asking questions and helping out.

“Now we wait,” Poe announced. He glanced down at his chronometer. “I guess I can go home and come back closer to time to eat. Just stir it ever so often so it doesn’t burn.”

“It can burn?” Rey sounded horrified. “Just hang out with us and make sure it doesn’t,” she suggested casually, but Ben felt genuine fear in her.

Ben knew his presence was making things awkward. “You two visit,” he suggested and washed his hands at the prep sink. “I’ll go work on the … thing…we were talking about earlier.”

Poe just rolled his eyes. “No, don’t go anywhere. I’m sorry about bringing up the whole map thing.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Ben replied. “It was the truth.”

“No, I am. You didn’t have to dismantle the Order. Granted you made me crazy the entire time, but you worked really hard to make it happen,” Poe stated and took a seat at their little dining table.

“How are the troopers doing?” Ben asked, taking the seat around the corner. “I believe you called them demented babies at one point.”

“They are!” Poe leaned in conspiratorially. “I can’t say it around Finn—Rey, don’t tell him any of this—but they are!” He threw out his hands dramatically. “In some ways they are hopelessly naïve. They need orders for everything. And they are so touchy-feely with each other.” He looked over at Rey. “I thought Finn was some kind of weird exception to the rule, but they are _all_ huggers. And Force help you if you cross one of them.” He shook his head. “You get the entire squadron ready to rip your head off.”

Rey laughed, but Ben understood. They were loyal to a fault. He’d been one of them, loyal to the Order and its leader, loyal to the death. Truth be told, he’d always be one of them, now maybe more so since the evil leadership was gone. 

Poe had apparently only begun in his airing of stormtrooper grievances as he stood and started to pace the floor. “They know one thing and one thing only—blasters. They can strip one, clean one, fire one, or rebuild one not an issue. But ask most of them to do anything else and they just look at you confused. They can’t fix a machine or fly anything—well most of them are okay on a speeder but heaven help them if it gets much deeper than that.” He groaned. “The big thing is they don’t know how to just live on a planet in a community. They’re so---I can’t believe I am saying this---they are so sheltered!”

Ben was dismayed by this, but Rey laughed. “I kind of understand why. Growing up on Jakku was nothing like this—here. Whatever I learned I had to teach myself and if it wasn’t available on my datapad, I didn’t even know it existed. That’s why I can’t cook,” Rey sighed. Then she gave them both a very determined look. “But I am going to learn.”

Poe sat back down with a sigh. “This is nothing like being in the Resistance. I went where Leia told me to go and did what she said. These days I’ve got way too many decisions to make.”

Ben nodded. “These last several months have been one long, uncomfortable staff meeting,” he said with a deep sigh. “All talk. No action.”

Poe laughed. “Leia once told me some problems can’t be solved by--”

“Jumping in the Falcon and blowing stuff up,” Ben finished for him. “She used to say that to my dad every time he got impatient with the diplomatic corps. Plus I heard it every time I lost my temper when I was a kid. Which was a lot,” Ben commented wryly. 

A sudden image flashed through Ben of Leia talking to Poe like he was her son, advising him, berating him. “So you were close to my mom.” He couldn’t help the hint of jealousy that crept into his voice. Then he reminded himself that Poe had been there for her. He had not. He cursed himself silently. 

“She’s the reason I was in the Resistance,” Poe confessed. “She found me throwing away my life and brought me in. That was about seven or eight years ago. She said I was a hotshot pilot who needed to quit running spice and find something useful to do with my skills.”

“You ran spice?” Ben’s jealousy increased and it was his turn to lean in conspiratorially. “Did you ever do Kessel?”

Poe looked at him askance. “Why do you ask?”

“My dad told me so many stories about doing the Kessel Run,” Ben replied earnestly. “I always wanted to try. Not run spice or anything, just make the trip. He never would take me. I think my mom disapproved.”

“Oh yeah, she totally disapproved of spice running—” Poe sounded disappointed at first, then caught Rey’s look of horror and backpedaled quickly, adding, “And for very good reason. It’s a terrible thing to do.”

Poe shook his head but his feigned disapproval was immediately undercut by his next gleeful admission to Ben. “But it is insane how much fun it is! I never did Kessel but I would absolutely love to try it. You’d just need the right ship.”

“My TIE Whisper,” Ben said reverently. “It was so fast. I had the prototype. There wasn’t another one like it.”

“I flew a TIE off of your ship with Finn,” Poe said, his voice more full of dreamy recollection than horrible memory. “Damn. If I’d known how those things could move, I might have joined the First Order instead. It handled like a wild animal. So responsive and so quick. I mean turn on a credit.” He hadn’t heard Poe be so passionate about anything. Ben completely understood.

“You should have flown the Whisper.” Ben couldn’t help the longing in his voice. “Talk about fast and not just sublight—that thing would tear a hyperspace hole like you wouldn’t believe.”

“I can’t believe you two!” Rey interjected in mock disapproval. “Bonding over spice and TIE fighters!”

“We’re not bonding,” both men said simultaneously.

“Go stir dinner so it doesn’t burn,” Poe instructed her with a wave then turned back to Ben with renewed interest. “So. Ben. Where might we find that ship now?”

He made sure Rey was busy at the cooktop before quietly replying, “Rey burned it on Ahch-to.”

“She what?” Poe sounded heartbroken.

“Hey.” Rey turned and shook the spoon at them. “I had reasons.”

“Great reasons,” Ben agreed enthusiastically, but the minute her back was turned shook his head sadly at Poe.

“Tell you what.” Poe patted him once on the shoulder. “I bet I can wrangle us a few minutes of flight time just to keep us sharp. Can you fly an X-wing?”

Ben gave him a dirty look. “I learned to fly in an X-wing.”

“I learned to fly in an A-wing,” Poe bragged.

“You did not,” Ben contradicted him immediately. “Nobody _learns_ to fly in one of those temperamental sons of bitches.”

Poe laughed. “Okay, okay, I learned in an X-wing, but my first time up was with my mom in her A.”

“Ow!” Rey’s sudden gasp of pain and the quick surge of fear he felt from her had Ben spinning away from the table and to her side, his heart leaping in alarm.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, checking her over quickly.

“It blooped at me,” she complained, wiping at her cheek. “I’m okay.” Her face bore a small red mark.

Poe jumped up and adjusted the heat downward, then put a lid on the pot. “It does that.”

“I’m not sure if I want to cook after all,” Rey laughed. “It seems dangerous.” She smiled up at him. “I’m okay,” she repeated, her hand on his arm. “Sorry I scared you.”

The entry chime sounded. “It’s Rose and Finn!” Rey exclaimed. She kissed Ben on the cheek. “I’m okay,” she repeated one more time.

Ben sat back down at the table. Poe shook his head and laughed. “You should have seen your face. I swear it’s like you saw a ghost.”

Ben forced himself to take a deep breath before answering, “For over a year she was a ghost. Nothing but a ghost whispering in my head every few days or showing up when you guys did or haunting my dreams that I couldn’t remember.”

Poe turned solemn immediately. “I didn’t mean anything, Ben. It must have been awful.” He paused and glanced back through the doorway to the other room where Rey was excitedly chatting with Rose. “She seems so normal. Like it never happened.”

“Good,” Ben stated firmly. “I will be the nervous wreck for both of us.”

The girls entered the kitchen, still laughing. “Smells good in here,” Rose exclaimed.

“If it is, Ben and I made it. If it isn’t, Poe made it,” Rey declared.

All the adrenaline that had hit Ben’s system when the stew splashed Rey gradually faded and left him happy to sit back and watch her. She set the table, poured drinks, chatted with Rose, welcomed Finn when he showed up, and tasted stew for Poe. She was so happy she practically glowed.

Maybe it was the afternoon of conversation with Poe that finally broke down some of his reserves, but he found himself laughing and smiling and participating far more than he expected. Finn even asked him some technical questions about lightsaber construction, and he found himself getting into a very deep conversation about kyber crystals.

“You’ll need one if you’re going to continue down this path,” Ben finally declared. “Rey, you too.” He paused, and his brow wrinkled a little as he felt the aura of the Force surge around her. “Especially you.”

The group continued to visit and chat, but Ben found himself lost in thought. His crystal had come from Tatooine on his only visit to the planet. He hadn’t known anything about Anakin Skywalker at the time, and certainly had not heard anything but rumors about the legendary Darth Vader. For him the trip had been about finding a crystal for his padawan lightsaber and entering the next step of his training.

Once he’d discovered his heritage and began hearing from his grandfather—or the presence that posed as him—he expected to make a return trip. The voice however had been adamantly against it. He hadn’t understood why at the time, but now he wondered if perhaps going to Tatooine might have brought him a little too close to the real Anakin Skywalker and not the imposter in his head.

“Ben? You okay?” Rey touched him on the shoulder. “Are you finished?”

He looked up to see that the others had finished their meals and were sitting there looking at him expectantly. “Oh. I’m sorry. Yes.” He pushed back his half-eaten bowl. When she reached for it, he grabbed her hand. “We have to go to Tatooine.”

“Who? You and I?” she asked. He nodded. “Okay. Sure.” 

“Finn too,” he added.

Finn blinked at him in confusion, his eyebrows raised. 

“Rey, I need you and Poe to fly the Falcon. So Rose has to come to keep it repaired,” Ben announced, feeling a sudden deep need to keep the group together for this, to be surrounded by people he could trust, stunned by the fact that he actually had people he could trust, possibly for the first time in his life. 

“I am not at all interested in making a trip to Tatooine,” Poe stated. “You fly. You said you’ve been missing it.”

“No. I won’t fly the Falcon.” Ben shook his head firmly. “But I would like to take it. I think it might be appropriate.” 

He looked around the room at his friends--suddenly realizing just how much he wanted to call them his friends too, not just Rey’s friends. “I mean, if you all will come. Will you come?” 

They all looked at each other. Deep inside him Kylo Ren reminded him of how wonderful it had been to just order people around. None of this awkward, uncomfortable asking business. Ben shushed him. 

“I guess so.” That was Rose.

“I’ve never been there. I don’t think.” Finn frowned and looked at Ben. “Have I?” 

Ben shook his head no, feeling more responsible than ever for making sure Finn truly embraced his abilities. 

“Fine. All right. We’ll go to Tatooine.” Poe threw up his hands in resignation. “Now, what’s for dessert?” 

-0-

When they landed in an empty hangar bay at Mos Eisley, Ben felt the Force lurch around him. “Did you feel that?” he asked Rey. She shook her head slightly, then reached over to take his hand. 

“Whatever it is, it’s centered on you,” she said quietly. “Do you know where we need to go?” 

“I think so,” he answered. “I think I’m being pulled there.” 

Poe asked BB-8 to stay behind and watch the Falcon. When the little droid chirped a protest, Poe said, “I know, I know. But it took a month and half to get all the sand out of you after Jakku. Just watch the ship for us, okay? We’ll be back in a few days.” 

BB-8 beeped an assent and they disembarked, basic supplies in tow. 

They paid the harbor master for the bay and hired out a large landspeeder. Ben drove, possibly a little too fast, based on the white knuckle grip Rey had on the windscreen and Poe’s repeated calls of “Woohoo!” from behind him. But he felt driven to get somewhere, a place he knew he’d never been. 

He pulled up to a cluster of low domes, tall machinery studding the landscape around it. “What kind of place is this?” Rose asked.

“Moisture farm,” Rey replied as they exited the speeder. “They were all over Jakku. The vaporators collect water from the air to sell and to irrigate underground farms.” She shaded her eyes and peered at the horizon. “It won’t be long before sunset. We probably shouldn’t be out at night.”

“How can you tell this is evening and not morning?” Finn asked curiously. “We didn’t ask local time when we arrived.”

Rey reached down and ran her hand into the sand. “The ground is still hot a few inches down. If this was morning it would be cool.” She glanced around the compound. “My guess is the vehicle bay is that one,” she said pointing across to one of the domes. 

They all looked identical to Ben but he climbed back into the speeder and drove over to it. Sure enough, a door opened in the side to reveal a garage, mostly stripped but with what had once been a workbench on one side, the floor dotted with the tell-tale grease spots of any vehicle bay. He secured the speeder and stepped out. 

_“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”_ His mother’s voice echoed in the Force around him. 

Obi-Wan. Ben Kenobi. The Jedi he was named for. 

Ben ran a hand over his face and wished he hadn’t come. He felt Luke’s presence as well, but the Force signature felt like a much younger version than he’d known, young and frustrated. Then he heard Rey calling him through a doorway in the back of the room. 

“In here,” he called back and closed the door to the outside, grateful that the passive lighting still worked in the building. 

The door opened and Rey entered. “I feel him everywhere here,” she said in awe. “Master Luke. How did you know this was his home?” 

“I didn’t,” Ben admitted. “If I had, I would have stayed far away.”

“Why? Luke is your family. Don’t tell me you haven’t made up with him,” Rey sighed. 

Ben remembered his encounter with Luke in Canto Bight, just after Exegol. “We did. Mostly. But I still feel like I’m intruding in a place I have no right to be.” 

“Well, come on inside. There’s not much here, but at least it's a shelter for the night. You can tell us why we came all the way to Tatooine,” she said, taking his hand and drawing him through the doorway. 

The house was made of domes interconnected by arched hallways of the same manufactured stone substance. The rooms were mostly empty, clearly long scavenged for any valuables. In the main family area the floor was bare apart from the remains of broken furniture. 

The group gathered around and all took a seat on the cool surface. 

“So why are we here?” Poe kicked off the discussion. “I mean I know I’m only the pilot, but I still want to know.” 

“Finn and Rey both need a lightsaber. Their own,” Ben said. “That means finding a kyber crystal--their kyber crystal--and Tatooine was where I found mine.” He patted the hilt of his lightsaber, feeling the familiar, yet now changed thrum of the crystal answer him. 

“I still don’t see why I need my own,” Finn said. “You gave me Luke’s to use. And Rey has Leia’s.” 

“Exactly. Neither are yours. A Jedi’s lightsaber is more than a weapon or even a tool. It’s an extension of who you are. Kyber crystals are Force-sensitive--maybe even sentient,” Ben explained. “They pick their wielder. You don’t pick them. You both need to be chosen before you can move to the next level of your training.” 

“So do you know where to find more kyber crystals?” Rey asked. 

“It won’t be easy. Tatooine is one of the few places left that still has them. The Empire and First Order harvested most to use in their weaponry.” Ben ran his hand over his face. “Kyber crystals used to be the most plentiful on Ilum but Palpatine mined out most of them to power the superlasers of the Death Stars. They dug a gigantic trench that pretty much encircled the planet to get at them. ”

“Let me guess, then they turned the remainder into the powerplant of Starkiller Base,” Poe surmised. “That’s how they made a weapon out of a planet.” 

Ben nodded. He had not been part of any of those plans and activities, but still felt the weight of guilt settling over him. He’d been part of a system of evil that perverted and destroyed millions of these very special crystals that never willingly served anything but light. He shook himself out of the past with a shiver. “Exactly,” he agreed with Poe. “But Luke brought me here to Tatooine along with several other students. We searched in the caverns along the ranges for weeks to find all the crystals we needed. 

“I bet you were the last one to find a crystal,” Finn commented knowingly. “Tell me I’m right.” 

“You’re right,” Ben admitted. “And the one I found was flawed. Luke told me it would never be usable, but I knew it was for me. I had to try. It took me months to build a housing that would contain the power without allowing it to fracture.” 

“So you proved him wrong,” Rose stated. “You’ve proved a lot of people wrong, Ben. I think that’s a good thing.” 

Her assurance made him happy. He smiled. 

“Wow! Ben Solo in a good mood!” Poe exclaimed. “How the hell did that happen?” They all laughed together, the sound echoing around the room. “So where do we start looking?” the pilot added after they’d indulged their good humor. 

“I think maybe we meditate,” Rey interjected thoughtfully. “We can each try on our own and if that doesn’t work, we might pool our resources.” She looked at Ben, one eyebrow raised slightly. 

“Good idea,” Ben agreed. 

“So, Finn,” Rey said as she stood up and reached down to help him to his feet, “let’s each find a quiet spot and go to work.”

“In the meantime, the rest of us can unpack the supplies from the speeder and set up base camp here,” Poe declared. He got up and pulled Rose to her feet as well. 

Ben watched them all scatter but something else had caught his attention. The Force wavered around him, leading him out of the room, past the old kitchen area where Rey had taken a seat, past the side room Finn had chosen, and down a long hallway to what appeared to have once been a storage area. 

Nothing much was left apart from some broken shelves and a pile of what appeared to be random items pushed into a corner, half covered in the sand that seemed to creep in everywhere. He knelt and picked through them, his fingers searching for something he couldn’t name. At last he found a small holodisk--its tech decades old. He sat down cross-legged on the dusty floor and began to tinker with the power supply. 

Finally it flickered into life and what appeared to be some kind of memorial began to play. Holos of a dark-haired woman of middle age began to loop. Some showed her with a man; some included a younger couple; some were her on her own. He tried to bring up the data file but it was corrupted. Eventually it froze on an image of her. She was smiling, but her eyes were still sad somehow. He felt as if he knew her. 

_“My mother, Shmi Skywalker,”_ came the man’s voice behind him, a voice he knew entirely too well. 

Ben spun around to one knee, lightsaber ready in hand. “I don’t know who you really are, but get out of my head,” he growled. 

_“It’s not Darth Sidious this time,”_ the man said sadly. The Force ghost that stood before him was not helmeted and clad in black as he’d been in every vision Ben had ever seen before. But the voice was the same and the Force itself whispered the man’s identity to him. 

Ben just stared at him suspiciously.

The ghost stepped toward him and pointed to the holodisk in his hand. _“That’s your great-grandmother, Shmi. She lived here a long time ago.”_

All the years believing he’d heard that voice, seeking this man’s approval, asking him for guidance landed on Ben at once. “Why? Why now?” he demanded furiously as he leaped to his feet, a deep anger surging in him strong enough to drive tears to his eyes. “After all this time. After everything. Why are you here now?” 

_“Because I finally can be,”_ Anakin replied gently. _“I tried so many times to get close enough to you to fight him. I watched him twist into your mind with my voice but no matter how hard I tried, he had built a wall between us I couldn’t break through.”_

He stepped closer. _“Now you are here with my mother’s holo in your hand. She was the only thing I loved about this place.”_ Anakin reached out to stroke the image. _“You’ve found her and that made it easier for me to finally reach you.”_

Ben took a shuddering breath. “What do you want from me?” he asked the ghost, forcing himself to look straight into his eyes. 

_“Nothing. I just want to tell you that I’m sorry.”_ Anakin put a hand on his shoulder. It was surprisingly solid. _“I lost everything to the darkness inside me—my wife, my children. When I realized the same thing was happening to you, my grandson, I was so afraid for you. I watched you turning to that darkness, and I couldn’t stop it.”_ A wistful hope came over his face. _“But then you came back. You fought back against it.”_

Anakin’s eyes filled with tears. _“Master Qui-Gon Jinn believed I was born to fulfill a prophecy. I would bring balance to the Force.”_ He shook his head sadly with a half-laugh. _”But that prophecy was never about me, Ben. It was about you. You and Rey together, my grandson and his granddaughter, the children of both light and dark. You bring balance to the Force.”_

Ben didn’t resist as his grandfather put his arms around him. _”It was always you.”_

Anakin’s real presence washed over him, pride and love and regret mingled together. Ben hesitated at first, then returned the embrace. “It’s alright, Grandfather,” he said softly. “It’s all going to be alright now.” 

As his form began to fade, Ben heard Anakin say in quiet assurance, _“I know.”_

The blue glow in the room faded back to the dim passive lighting as Ben stood there alone, the holodisk off now, but still gripped in his hand. He took a long deep breath, held it, then let it out again, feeling something turn loose deep inside him that he hadn’t even realized was knotted. 

Rey rounded the corner suddenly, fear etched all over her face. “What's happening?” she practically shouted at him. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes,” Ben answered, but couldn’t help the catch in his breath. “Yes,” he repeated as she threw her arms around him. He leaned against her, his balance, the light to his dark, the dark to his light. He leaned against her and let go of the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get an extra chapter tonight! I screwed up the posting the first time. This was the easiest fix. Feel free to comment on each though! I love comments!


	19. Chapter 19

After a moment, Ben pulled back to look Rey in the face. “There’s so much I haven’t told you,” he began. “About me. About what made me.” A sudden suspicion hit him. “Or have I? In a dream?”

“No,” she assured him. “You haven’t.”

“So dream me just made passionate love to you which I cannot remember and failed to talk about all the difficult things so I don’t have to?” Ben surmised. She nodded with a sly grin. “That sounds like me. I think I hate him.”

She laughed and tucked her arm in his as they walked back toward the main rooms. “You’ve made passionate love to me too,” she stated, giving his arm a hug.

“I’m sure dream me is better than real me though,” Ben said with a laugh. “I always was much better at theory than at practice.”

“Not a chance. Dream you was just a dream—for both of us.” She stopped and turned him to face her. “This—” she grabbed the front of his tunic and pulled him in for a kiss that ignited his body and his spirit, “--is real. I wouldn’t trade it for all the dreams in the world. I crossed a metaphysical boundary in time and space for this. For you.”

Ahead he could hear Rose and Poe discussing where to set up sleeping mats for the evening.

He took her hand, and in unspoken agreement, they ran deeper into the structure.

“This way,” she whispered, tugging him toward a small door. She opened it slowly and a wave of cool dampness poured out of the room. An overgrown garden filled the interior, lit by a number of passive lights, the irrigation system still functioning. Everything was green and cool and lush—nothing like the desert surface of the planet.

Ben reached out with his senses to check for any other signs of life in the chamber. He felt nothing but her. But what he felt from her made the blood rush from his head to other parts of his anatomy.

She reached out her hand and Force-pushed the door closed, locking it in the process, a look in her eyes of wild, feral, untamed passion. In seconds he had her picked up and pressed against a wall of green vines, her legs wrapped around his waist. She tangled her fingers in his hair as he kissed her lips, her neck, her shoulder, pushing aside her tunic to cup her breast in his hand. She gasped as he took the hardened peak into his mouth, caressing it with his tongue. Her hand clenched in his hair and twisted in the back of his tunic.

He knew what he wanted. So he set her down again and knelt in front of her, pulling at her clothing. She shivered as he began to explore her skin with his lips, his hands, his tongue. He watched her face, listened to her breath, felt her pulse against his mouth. Then he focused his attention on one goal—to make her cry out his name in ecstasy.

He succeeded.

She clung to him, her knees trembling, as he brought her over the edge again and again, her breath coming in pants and cries. The energy between them rippled through the room. At last she sank to the floor against him, utterly spent. He pulled her into his lap and held her, enjoying the little shivers that still ran through her body.

“Thank you,” he said softly as he rubbed the chill from her back and arms.

“Why are you thanking me?” she asked, snuggling closer into his embrace.

“You saw me. You believed in me. You came back to me.” He held her tight against him. “You pushed past all my awfulness until you found the part of me that was really me. Saying I love you isn’t enough.”

“But you can still say it if you want to,” she stated in a leading tone as she ran her fingers over his arm.

“I want you to marry me. Solo is a made up name, but I’m proud to have it. I want you to have it too. I already belong to you. I want you to belong to me.” Ben said, his eyes never leaving her face. “Will you?” he remembered to ask. “I love you,” he added for good measure even though it didn’t convey anywhere near enough about how he felt.

 _“I know how you feel,”_ she answered through the bond, her energy warm and enveloping. “Yes,” she said aloud with a huge smile. “So when? Where?”

Ben kissed her to seal the promise and helped her to her feet. Then he was completely distracted by watching her put her clothing back into place. Once that was done, he answered. “I want it recognized by the Republic. Completely official. I guess Jakku’s identity base is part of their grid. If not, we could probably request an off-system transfer of your ID.”

He felt the dismay run through Rey even before the crestfallen expression registered on her face. “I don’t have an ID. I was an illegally traded slave. Jakku’s government doesn’t know I exist,” she replied.

“But you do exist,” Ben said. “And we know who your family is. We just need to reconnect you to their records.”

“Are you crazy?” She shook her head at him. “You’re saying I need to reclaim Palpatine? Just imagine the issues people would have with their Jedi academy officially being run by Palpatine’s granddaughter.”

“And Kylo Ren,” he added for good measure. “We are quite a pair. No one will come if they know.”

“So they better not know,” she sighed. Tears suddenly filled her eyes. “I’m better off to just stay a nobody.”

He was taken aback by the depth of the hurt inside her, and he vividly recalled how he’d tried to use that against her in Snoke’s throne room on Supremacy. _“You come from nothing. You’re nothing,”_ his words echoed painfully in his memory. He’d never meant any words more sincerely than his next words. _“But not to me.”_ However, that was not enough.

He gripped her arms. “No. You’re not nobody, Rey. Your parents loved you. They died to protect you. They were somebody—and not just because of Palpatine. You’ve got family out there-- your mother and other grandparents. We’ll find them. We’ll find out who they are, I promise you.”

She nodded. “But I still want to marry you,” she said firmly. “I want to be Rey Solo.”

“You will.” He had never meant any words more sincerely. Again.

-0-

They spent the next three days surveying and meditating. On the fourth, they delved into a cavern system off what the locals called Beggar’s Canyon and found a vein of kyberite that felt very familiar to Ben. He closed his eyes and communed a moment with his own crystal. “Yes. This is it,” he declared in excitement.

The group split into two. Ben wanted to stay with Rey, but something told him he needed to go with Finn instead. So he and Finn headed deeper into the cavern system as Rey and Rose surveyed the other direction. Poe stayed at the front to keep his eye on the speeder.

“I’ve seen too many crawler tracks around here,” the pilot declared. “It’s not a good idea to leave anything unguarded. We’d come back and find nothing but scrap metal and grease stains if jawas got hold of it.”

“How do you know when you find it?” Finn asked as they crept through the cavern, their lights bouncing off the iridescent veins of multicolored crystal that streaked the walls and ceiling of the passage.

Ben thought for a moment. “You just do.” He paused and ran his finger over the vein beside them. “This isn’t pure crystal. Not yet. Keep listening though. I feel like we’re close.”

“Listening?” Finn asked curiously. “Not looking?”

“It will sing to you when you get close enough. It is a living growing thing in the Force. Your spirit will hear it before your eyes see it,” Ben said. “At least that’s how it happened with me.”

They traversed a shallow underground stream and crossed an old rockfall. “I’ve never been this deep underground before,” Finn stated, a little anxiously.

“Okay. Stop here.” Ben pointed to a wider spot in the cavern. “Sit.”

Finn looked at him curiously, then sat down. Ben sat across from him and turned off his light. “Turn it off.” He pointed to Finn’s.

“It’s really dark in here,” Finn replied hesitantly.

“I know. Turn it off.”

Finn’s light went out. The darkness was absolute. Ben could hear Finn’s breathing rate increase. “Now. Breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out,” Ben instructed. He felt Finn begin to calm down. “Good. You don’t need your eyes. Your vision will just trick you. Reach out with your feelings. Feel the Force around you, running through you.”

Ben could feel the quiver in the air as the Force swirled around them. “Now listen.”

A moment passed. Another. Then Finn rose and began to walk in the pitch darkness. Ben followed at a distance, using the Force to guide him, sensing the energy of the kyberite begin to coalesce. It was beautiful. He kept one hand on the hilt of his lightsaber, feeling it respond to the energy surrounding them—almost as if it was speaking to the cavern.

Ahead, Finn stopped. “It hear it,” he said. “It feels warm.”

Ben turned on the light to reveal the former trooper with his hand outstretched against the wall, a look of complete wonder on his face. Ben smiled excitedly and brought over some tools. Carefully, he helped Finn release the crystal from the wall, a pale white, very regular oblong stone about four centimeters long. Then he took several steps back as Finn cradled it in his hands.

After a long moment of reflection, Finn spoke. “It’s me. It’s the me I never knew. And it knows me too.” Ben felt like a proud parent.

The Force surged behind him, and he turned to see Rey, her face filled with the same glow. “I found it, Ben.” He stepped closer.

“You did.” He felt her joy as he looked into her hands. Her crystal pulsed once in his consciousness as if greeting him. “I knew you would.” Then he kissed her. The physical distance between them went to nothing as their lips met, as if they were standing side by side, not a mile apart. “See you at the entrance,” he whispered. She nodded with a bright yet teary smile and was gone.

“Was that Rey?” Finn asked. “Was she talking to you?”

“Yes. Could you see her?” Ben replied curiously.

“No. But I could sense her somehow. Weird,” Finn stated, shaking his head. “I just feel like my connection to the Force has grown. Like I can focus or something.”

“It has. That’s why we had to make this trip,” Ben said as they began to pick their way back to the entrance. “Like I said, a Jedi’s lightsaber is more than a weapon. It’s more than a tool.”

Finn asked a world of questions about construction, which Ben gladly answered. He found himself very much looking forward to assisting in the build.

“Hey, where are you guys?” Poe’s voice crackled over the commlink. “We’ve got company out here.”

“Nearly there,” he heard Rose respond.

He checked distance with the Force but Finn answered first. “We’re still a ways out.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. “You’re getting good,” he assured Finn. Then he felt for Rey. _“How close are you to Poe’s position?”_

 _“Not far.”_ There was a pause. _“Ben, I hear shots.”_

 _“Get there as fast as you can. We’re on our way.”_ He turned to Finn. “We need to run.” Their handheld lights barely kept up the pace of illuminating the hazards ahead as they sped to the entrance.

“Poe?” Finn called. “What’s going on?”

Ben heard the ricochets of blaster fire over the commlink. “They’ve kind of got us pinned down,” Poe replied. “They just showed up out of nowhere. I don’t think they like strangers.”

“Leave the link open,” Ben called as they ran. Then he felt ahead for Rey. Not far now.

“Thermal detonator!” Rose shouted.

“Son of a bitch!” Poe exclaimed.

Ben’s heart leaped. Then he felt Rey’s manipulation of the Force and heard her. “I threw it back at them.” He felt the ground vibrate ahead of them. Dust filtered down from the ceiling. They were maybe one hundred meters from the entrance now.

Another explosion vibrated the walls. “Damn it,” Poe cursed. “They’re throwing them above us where we can’t see. Trying to collapse the cave.”

Ben felt another explosion and another. Nearly there. He could see daylight ahead. Then the ceiling began to collapse. Instinctively, he used the Force to push Finn forward out of the rockfall, then concentrated on keeping the tons of material from landing on him.

“Ben!” he both heard and felt Rey scream his name. The entire mountain felt like it was coming down on him. He was out of time. He dropped to the floor and made himself as compact as possible, then pushed an envelope around him as hard as he could. Darkness descended, darkness and dust, and a rumble so loud he couldn’t hear himself think.

Rocks fell around him, heavy and thunderous, piling on top of the dome of Force he called around himself. Somehow it held, even with the weight of the mountainside on it. But he had no idea for how long. He tried to get a sense of the way they’d stacked. Would they hold up as a makeshift cavern if he let go? Or were they loose enough to just fall on top of him, crushing him instantly? He couldn’t tell one way or the other. All he knew was that the pressure was incredible. However, his primary regret was that the clearest path to that vein of crystals was gone.

The commlink crackled. “Ben! Can you hear me?” Rey called.

“I’m here, but I can’t get out,” he replied. “There is a lot of rock hanging over my head.”

“I’ll get to you,” she assured him. He had no doubts of that.

He breathed and concentrated on holding up the landfall, coughing a little in the dust that still surrounded him in his little space. “Did Finn make it through?”

“I’m here,” Finn replied with a grunt of pain. “Barely.”

“Are you hurt? Rey can take care of you,” Ben assured him.

“Not until I get you out of there,” Rey stated. He felt her begin to shift the rocks between them.

“Look out!” Rose shouted as the ground began to quake again.

“Pull Finn out of here! Now!” Poe ordered.

The mountain shuddered convulsively as another layer collapsed. His little bubble of dome shrank around him with the additional rockfall that he struggled to hold back.

“Are you guys okay?” he shouted into the link, but only got static for a response. “Rey?”

He reached for her. _Nothing._ His heart pounded in anxiety.

_“Rey, talk to me!”_

_A sleepy presence on the edges of his mind._

_“Rey!”_

_A mountain hung overhead._

His energy began to wane with the effort of holding back the avalanche of rock that threatened to crush him.

 _“Rey!”_ He could feel her, but she was silent. Maybe unconscious? he thought.

 _“Finn!”_ he called into the Force, hoping Finn was conscious and strong enough to hear him. _“Are you there? Are you guys okay?”_

Faintly, so faintly, he heard a reply. _“Ben? Is that you?”_

_“Talk to me, Finn! Are you guys okay?”_

_“We got hammered. Everyone’s alive. Poe’s hurt but conscious. Rey’s out but breathing. Rose is checking on her. Are you okay?”_ Finn sounded exhausted and in agony. 

_“Yeah. I’m fine,”_ Ben lied, feeling the weight of the world pressing against him. _“Tell me again Rey is okay.”_

 _“Rose says she’s breathing steady and her heartbeat is good. She took a bad blow to the head though,”_ Finn answered after a pause. _“I’m getting really tired, Ben. I don’t know if I can keep talking like this.”_

 _“It’s okay, Finn. I’ll keep trying to wake Rey.”_ Ben began to feel the first twinges of fear—for Rey, for his friends, for himself. He was running out of resources there in the pitch blackness. At least he couldn’t see how far away the rockfall was, he decided. But like an idiot, he reached up instead. His fingers met rock only a few inches above him.

 _“Rey!”_ he called. _“Please wake up!”_ He sent some energy her direction, only to feel his hold on the earth above him slip just a little. _“I don’t want to leave you like this. Not like this.”_ The rough surfaces of the rock faces began to brush his forehead and shoulder. He wondered if he should just throw whatever energy he had left into Rey and let the rocks fall. His other choice was to be slowly crushed to death as he ran out of strength.

 _“Ben?”_ She was there, lying on the ground beside him. Even in the dark he could see her, his vision not physical but spiritual.

 _“Hey. I’m here. It’s okay,”_ he replied softly. She was so weak, but she was there. _“I love you. You know that, right? You know I love you.”_

She reached out her hand to him. _“Take my hand,”_ she whispered.

His shoulder began to ache from the pressure against him and he barely had room to move, but somehow he managed to touch her fingertips. He felt her--just like he had that day on Supremacy while she was on Ahch-to, the day he saw her parents, the day he saw them fighting together side by side. He felt her warm, hope-filled presence, so much light inside her. He glimpsed her future—bright and fruitful, so many good days and good things, so much happiness. He saw her baby yawning sleepily up at him, a head full of dark hair.

She smiled at him. _“We’ll name him Han,”_ she whispered. _“Join me.”_

He inched his fingertips up her hand, to her wrist, to her elbow, to her shoulder and with the last of his energy threw himself to her out of the darkness and into the light of the dusty cave, rolling over her body as lightly as possible, but feeling as if he’d fallen from the top of the mountain to her side.

Rose gasped, but Rey just smiled at him. He lay there, panting with relief and exertion, his hand in hers. “I didn’t know we could do that,” he said at last. Rey nodded, then winced. “How is she really?” he asked Rose. “How are you? How is everybody?”

“Everyone is okay for now, but not going anywhere,” Rose answered. She had a huge bruise forming on the side of her face and cradled her elbow in her hand.

Rey could heal people. She’d healed him. Could he do it too? He laid his hand on Rey’s forehead and gave her what he could.

“That’s better,” she said after a minute. “Save it for Poe and Finn. I’m okay.”

“Have you got anything left?” he asked her.

She shook her head. “Not for a while. How about you?”

“Only a little. I was pretty much holding up a mountain there.” A momentary flash of claustrophobia hit him, but he forced it away with a deep breath. That would have to be a nightmare for another day. “Let me see what I can do for them.”

Poe looked like a bantha had trampled him. Blood ran down his face from a cut on his head and he sat against the wall, his eyes closed. Ben was glad to see that he was breathing. He knelt beside him and placed his hand on the pilot’s shoulder.

“Where the hell did you come from?” Poe asked, blinking away the blood in his eyes.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Ben answered, tentatively trying to use the Force like Rey had. It was one thing to give her some energy. It was something completely different to try to heal someone. He tried to sense the same pathways his body recalled Rey using on Kef Bir. It was not easy. At last he felt something shift and Poe breathed a little easier. “Better?” he asked.

“Yeah. What did you do?” Poe looked at him curiously.

“Something Rey does. I’m not good at it though.” He rose and went to Finn.

“You hanging in there okay?” Ben asked.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Finn retorted. “Pushing me out of the way instead of yourself. You idiot. You could have died in there. You nearly did.”

“That’s the thanks I get for saving your life,” Ben commented with a laugh. “What in creation makes you think my life is worth more than yours?”

Finn gave him a very hard look. “I’m a nameless trooper. No family. No huge Force powers. No big destiny to fulfill. I mean you should have at least thought of Rey.”

Finn was wrong and he told him so. “You aren’t a nameless trooper. Your name is Finn. You have a family. Us. You’ve got Force powers of your own and a great destiny ahead of you. But you’re right about Rey. I never want her to feel the way I did without her.” 

Ben placed a hand on Finn’s shoulder and tried to help him heal some. His ankle was a mess. After a moment, Ben began to feel lightheaded so he sat back and breathed. “The truth is, I didn’t think. I just acted.”

Finn looked up at him, some of the pain wrinkles in his forehead easing a bit. “Ben, I am beginning to think you might be a good man. This worries me.”

Ben laughed. “No chance. I’m still a tragic disaster.” He hauled himself wearily to his feet and went back to where Rey sat up next to Rose. “I might have helped a little, but I really think you all need a med unit. Have we got any medpacks on the speeder?”

“I don’t know if we still have a speeder,” Rose replied. Rey still had her head in her hands.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asked her.

“I’m exhausted and my head hurts,” she answered. “But yeah, I’m okay.”

He reached down to her cheek just to double check, sending his senses through her the best he could. Her energy was pretty much depleted from fighting off the raiders and keeping the rest of them alive, but he couldn’t tell how bad the blow to her head had been. He gave her a little more of his life, aware that black spots kept floating into his vision as he did.

She grabbed his hand. “Stop that. You’re no use to us unconscious, Ben. I’m fine. Just tired. Now go check on the speeder.”

“You know why I have to keep checking,” he stated softly. “Are you? Now? Or was that from someday in the future?”

She shrugged. “I’m not sure. But right this minute I am fine. Now rescue us, okay?”

He stood, wavering only a little before steadying himself again. He headed to the entrance, keeping a sharp eye out for trouble, his Force senses feeling numbed from overuse. A pair of very large banthas strolled aimlessly at the end of the valley, their riders nowhere to be seen. The speeder was still there and appeared untouched. He rummaged through the storage compartment and found a medpack, but someone had already cannibalized the bacta from it. Great.

It took several minutes, but he finally got the rest of the group loaded into the speeder and headed back to Mos Eisley. “Anybody leave anything behind at the Lars house that they absolutely have to have?” he asked.

“What about your great-grandmother’s holodisk?” Rey asked.

“In my pocket. Have you and Finn got your crystals?”

At their affirmative, he announced they were leaving the camping gear behind for another day and heading straight back to Ajan Kloss to the medical facilities. “I won’t feel good until there are med units crawling all over you guys, filling you with bacta,” he announced, “somewhere less rusty-looking than Mos Eisley.” He glanced around and added, “No offense, Granddad.”

At the hangar a trio of droids popped up from their resting positions and assisted him in getting everyone on board. BB-8 chirped and rolled about anxiously, so Ben assisted Poe to the bunk in the back to give the droid plenty of room to fuss over him.

Rose was the most ambulatory, especially once he’d helped her get her arm in a sling, so he asked her to co-pilot. He slipped into the pilot’s seat and began the pre-flight check as Rose requested departure clearance.

Guilt over being in his dad’s place quickly gave way to necessity as he and Rose finished takeoff and started plotting the route back to Ajan Kloss. “How’s the starboard thruster holding up?” he asked her.

“Looks good. That last repair Poe and I made seems to be holding together really well,” she answered. “I just want to get everybody back to Ajan Kloss. I’m worried about them.”

“Everybody’s okay, Rose. We all made it out okay,” he said gently.

She smiled back at him, but he could still see the worry in her eyes. “For now at least.”

“Once we make the jump to lightspeed, I’ll go check on everyone. I’ll make sure everyone is hanging in there,” he assured her.

“Thank you,” she replied and let out a ragged sigh.

A few seconds later, the nav computer beeped a confirmation of the coordinates. Ben threw the hyperdrive into gear with a deep sense of relief, sending the stars shooting around them in a ballet of speed and light.


	20. Chapter 20

A profound relief filled Ben as the ship settled into hyperdrive. He and Rose completed the flight check with surprising ease. He hadn’t flown that ship in a decade, and even then not that often. But somehow his fingers knew where to go to enable systems and check the status of various operations.

He glanced back over to Rose once they’d finished. “You okay here on your own for a bit?” he asked. “Do you need anything? I can try to find you some pain relief.”

She shook her head. “Save it for them. I’m okay. Finn is probably pretty miserable though. And keep a close eye on Poe for me. He’s putting on a brave act, but he might be worse than he is letting on.”

“I’ll take care of them for you,” he assured her, resting his hand lightly on her shoulder. “I promise. Call if you need me, okay?”

She nodded and settled back to watch the stars flow by.

He exited the cockpit and circled the hallway of the Falcon to Rey’s bunk in the recreation area just off the cockpit. “How are you?” he asked, touching her lightly on the cheek. Her energy felt extremely low, but steady.

“I’m just tired,” Rey answered. “I’ll be fine.”

He looked into her eyes and did his best to assess her real condition. He didn’t think her head injury was life threatening but he had no way to know for sure. “Stay awake, okay?” he said gently, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Finn lay on the lounge across the room, his injured leg propped on a quickly assembled stack of blankets. “Hey, make sure she doesn’t go to sleep. Call me if she looks droopy,” Ben instructed. “How’s your ankle?”

“Hurts like crazy,” Finn groaned. “But I’m making it.”

The Falcon’s med unit had never been much and whatever used to be there had apparently been salvaged during its past several years in a Jakku junkyard. He dug around and finally found an analgesic hypo for Finn. “It isn’t much, but it’s what we’ve got,” Ben commented sadly. “Try meditating through the pain.”

“Does it help?”

Ben shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. I always used pain as fuel.”

“Fuel for what?” Finn asked as Ben pressed the hypo to his arm.

Ben didn’t expect the flashbacks that suddenly beset him. Training sessions with Snoke and missions with the Knights of Ren were sometimes incredibly and deliberately painful, all to help him access the power that came from fury. “Mostly rage,” he admitted. “Rage and destruction.” 

“That is just wrong,” Finn stated. “You know that now, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “I know.” 

“Ben.” Rey reached out a hand to him. He crossed over to her and took it.

“What was that?” she asked, her eyes troubled. His flashbacks had apparently spilled over to her.

He squeezed her hand gently and whispered, “It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m fine. I am,” he assured her both aloud and through the link. “I’m going to go check on Poe, okay?” She nodded. He kissed her forehead again. “I’ll be back soon.” 

He rounded the corner to the main crew quarters. BB-8 rolled back and forth next to Poe’s bedside, appearing to pace nervously.

“How’s he doing?” he asked the droid.

The little orange and white ball chirped a response at him—mostly anxious.

“I’m okay, buddy,” Poe said quietly. BB-8 just crooned sadly in response.

Ben sat on the edge of the bunk. Poe didn’t look good. “Talk to me,” Ben commanded quietly. “What’s going on with you?”

Poe grimaced. “I think maybe that last rockfall messed something up inside,” he admitted at last, much more calmly than he should have given the circumstances. “Don’t tell Rey. She did everything she could.”

Ben had seen men die before. Usually quickly and violently, most often on the wrong end of his lightsaber. But he’d seen men die slowly as well. Poe looked entirely too much like a man dying slowly.

“No. You don’t get to do this to me,” Ben informed him, placing a hand on Poe’s forearm. “You promised me X-wing time. You don’t get to back out.” He closed his eyes and pulled on his reserves, concentrating on the healing the Force promised. He channeled as much as he could before feeling his own heart rate drop a little lower than it should. He remembered Rey’s warning that they needed him conscious.

But he felt it take hold, maybe enough to buy them time. “Rey is so much better at this than I am,” he apologized. “But I’m going to learn. I promise.”

Poe breathed a little easier. “You should have seen her, Ben. It was incredible. It felt like the entire mountain was coming down on us, but she kept it back long enough for us to make the entrance. Then she threw those raiders away from us like toys. I don’t know where they landed. And even when the next shocks hit, she kept the rocks off us again—well, mostly. We should have stayed closer together. I should have stayed closer.”

Ben shushed him. “Save it for later. Rest.”

“If I don’t make it—” Poe began a few seconds later.

“Be quiet. You’re going to make it,” Ben stated firmly. Then he sat on the floor so he could lean back against the side of the bunk, but still keep one hand on Poe's wrist. “Just give me a few minutes.”

He rested and meditated, reaching for the light, for peace, for a place where pain gave way to growth. Once he felt like he’d recharged enough to do any good, he passed that light back to Poe until he grew lightheaded. Then he leaned back and closed his eyes and began to meditate again.

“How are you making it?” Ben asked after several minutes of this, his eyes closed in exhaustion.

Poe didn’t answer. BB-8 just chirped nervously.

He tried to feel for Poe’s presence like he did Rey’s but got very little. Ben’s appreciation of the pilot's skills went up tremendously considering the man was almost completely Force-insensitive. He mentally shrugged. Han Solo had been too, but could fly anything.

“Poe?” he asked again. Silence. “Come on. Talk to me.”

“He is sleeping,” came a squeaky little voice. Ben opened his eyes to see a tiny, one-wheeled droid. “Sleeping.”

“You sure?” Ben asked.

“He is breathing. He is sleeping,” the droid repeated.

“Good. Thanks—umm? What’s your name?”

“D-O.” The little droid rolled back and forth merrily.

“Thanks, D-O. Why haven’t I seen you before now?” Ben rubbed his eyes with his free hand, keeping the other on Poe’s arm, just to make sure he didn’t miss any warning signs.

“I was hiding.” D-O sounded anxious, which was unusual for a droid. 

“That’s a shame. We’re not going to hurt you. I’m Ben.” He watched the little droid roll back and forth, its cone-shaped head swiveling and tilting curiously.

“Ben,” it said.

“Yeah. Wake me up if anything happens, okay?” Ben asked. Then he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Sometime later he felt a little wheel roll into his leg. BB-8 had not stopped fretting anxiously in the background. “Ben,” the little droid repeated.

He struggled awake. “He is not sleeping,” D-O announced.

“Poe? You awake?” Ben asked. Nothing.

“He is not breathing.”

Ben suddenly realized that BB-8 was not fretting. He was panicking. He marshalled every bit of energy he had and poured it into Poe in one desperate burst of healing. The world tilted sideways and went almost completely black. As he fought his way back to consciousness, he heard Poe take a gasping breath.

“Damn it, Poe,” Ben cursed. “I told you not to do that.”

“Do what?” Poe asked, his voice rough.

“Die. Don’t die again.” Ben fell back to the floor next to the bunk, still keeping a tight grip on Poe’s wrist.

“Okay. Whatever you say,” Poe said wearily. 

Ben didn’t allow himself to sleep again even though Poe seemed marginally better and he was now completely exhausted. He lay there and tried to breathe and recover something that approximated strength. He still had to help Rose land on Ajan Kloss.

Even though he hadn't recovered much, he was beyond grateful when Rose’s voice sounded over the intercom. “Ben, we’re about to drop out of light speed.”

“Be right there,” he answered. Then he turned to D-O. “BB-8 is a nervous wreck. So I’m counting on you to come get me in the cockpit if he stops breathing again, okay?”

“Okay.” D-O scooted back and forth.

He pulled himself to his feet and leaned against the bulkhead until he felt like he could walk. “You keep breathing, okay?” he instructed Poe.

“Whatever you did helped,” Poe replied. “I’m fine.”

“I’ve heard that before,” Ben grumbled. “Don’t die. You owe me flight time twice now.”

Poe laughed but the laugh turned into a groan. When Ben turned back to him, he waved him away. “I promise I will make it to Ajan Kloss. Go land us.”

Ben circled back to the cockpit, checking in with Finn and Rey as he did. “Is Poe okay?” Rey asked. “I still can’t feel much in the Force right now, but you seemed really worried a while ago.”

“He’s fine,” Ben lied, counting on Rey’s weariness to hide it from her. He didn’t want her to worry. “We’re going to get all of you on the ground and in the med unit the second we land.”

She nodded. He placed a hand on her head, checking in. He felt mostly exhaustion, which he completely understood, with a touch of fogginess still. “Stay awake, okay?” he told her again.

He entered the cockpit to see Rose reaching for a switch that was exactly too far overhead for her to touch. “Sorry. All this was set up for Chewbacca,” he apologized as he flipped it. Then he sat down and looked over at her. The bruise on the side of her face had turned dark. Her elbow was clearly swelling. “Damn it, Rose,” he said gently. “Why didn’t you say something? I would have come back up here sooner.”

She shook her head. “I’m alright. They needed you back there.”

“Yeah. They did,” he admitted. “Let me at least see if I can help a little with that arm.”

She waved him away. “No. You look like you’re about to collapse. I’ll be fine until we land. But we don’t land without you. This stupid ship takes two to run and I can’t reach everything one handed.”

He nodded and turned back to the controls. Once they dropped out of light speed and began their approach to base, Rose called in their distress and got clearance to land close to the med unit.

“Tell them Poe needs emergency care. Top priority,” Ben said.

Once she was off comms she asked, “How bad is he?”

“Bad enough that it was a good thing you were able to stay up here,” he replied. “He’s hanging on for now. But I don’t think I can do much more for him.”

Rose nodded as tears filled her eyes. Then he saw her cross over from worry to determination. “So we get him home,” she declared.

“Fastest route possible,” he replied, sending a little more power to the sub-light thrusters.

They had a few minutes before hitting the landing beacons. “I asked Rey to marry me,” he stated. “Are you okay with that?”

Rose gave him an odd look. “Why does it matter what I think? What did she say?”

“She said yes.” He couldn’t help the huge grin that he could feel covering his face. “But it matters because you care about her. Poe already threatened to kill me if I hurt her. I’m sure Finn will feel the same way. But you are her best friend. If we don’t need to do this right now, you’d tell me, right? I don’t want to rush her into anything before she’s ready.”

Rose smiled at him, wincing a little at the bruise. “She loves you. But you guys’ relationship has been super weird, you know that right?”

“Yes,” he replied sheepishly. “Now you’re making me second guess myself.”

“Don’t. You make her happy,” she said sincerely. “You brought her back! That’s crazy! Whatever you guys have is weird, but it is the most real thing I’ve ever seen.” She checked their flight clearance. “But if you hurt her, I will also kill you.”

“I wouldn’t expect otherwise.” While Rose touched base one more time with the ground, he flipped on the intercom. “We’re about to land. Everybody okay?”

“We’re good,” Finn called back.

BB-8 whistled an affirmative as D-O added, “He is breathing.”

“What does he mean, ‘he is breathing’?” Rose demanded after Ben had released the intercom. “Was there a time when he wasn’t breathing?”

“Just for a second,” Ben answered as he set the Falcon down as gently as possible considering the high rate of speed of his approach. “Well, maybe a few seconds. But he came back.”

“He what?” Rose finished the landing sequence on her side.

“Poe?” Ben called into the intercom as the ship finished settling. “Tell Rose you’re okay.”

No answer. “Open the hatch,” he called to Rose as he ran to the crew quarters, his heart racing.

BB-8 crooned and rolled back and forth beside the bed. Poe was pale and still, but his chest rose and fell slowly. Ben grabbed his arm and once more dumped everything he had, not sure if he was healing or just buying time, but determined to keep Poe going until the med unit could take over. “You don’t get to leave,” he said as his knees buckled and he sank to the floor beside the bunk in exhaustion. “You promised me.”

The doors opened with a whoosh, letting in the fresh air of Ajan Kloss, not quite as hot but much more humid than Tatooine had been. Two techs accompanied by a floating med droid rushed into the crew quarters. He crawled aside, his head swimming too badly to try to stand. The droid beeped and assessed and injected before moving aside for the med techs. One expanded the stretcher and they loaded Poe onto it. They were gone in a matter of minutes, BB-8 trailing behind them.

Ben staggered to the lounge area just in time to see Rose being helped down the ramp. Finn and Rey were nowhere to be seen.

_“Rey?”_ he called. _“Where are they taking you?”_

_“The med facilities,”_ she answered. _“They gave me something that made me so tired…”_ Her presence drifted away into sleep.

He forced himself to take a deep breath. She was okay. They were all okay. He just had to find the medical unit.

He pushed himself back to the cockpit to make sure everything was locked down. The last thing he wanted was to leave power on and burn out a motivator. After the final check, he sat back in the seat, his eyes drifting shut. 

He shook himself awake. He needed to find the med unit. That was his top priority. D-O followed him to the access ramp. “Do you know where the infirmary is?” he asked the little droid. 

“Yes.” 

“Will you take me there?” Ben asked, propping himself on the wall as a dizzy spell hit. 

D-O rolled back and forth, its head tilting and turning as if considering his options. “Yes,” it said at last and took off. Ben managed to keep pace with it as D-O descended the ramp and rolled down a dirt lane that connected this landing area with the settlement.

They crossed between buildings and down a narrow alleyway. Ben began to wonder if D-O was deliberately misleading him, but abruptly came to the entrance labeled “Emergency Care.” 

“Thank you,” he said, opening the door and holding it for the droid to enter as well. D-O hesitated. “I know you’re worried too. Come on in. I’ll tell them you’re with me,” Ben assured him. 

“I’m with Ben.” D-O rolled inside. 

The tech that met them pointed the way to the triage area. “Everyone is responding well,” she said as they entered the room. “But they are all under sedation so the bacta can work most efficiently.” 

A pair of medical droids hovered around Finn’s broken ankle apparently doing reconstruction work. Rose lay on a bunk just down from his, her broken arm still in the sling he’d improvised. But her monitors were all green. 

Across the room, Rey also lay quietly under sedation. A tiny observational droid floated next to her head, beeping softly every few seconds. 

“Is she badly hurt?” Ben asked anxiously.

“A concussion and some abrasions,” the tech informed him. “She’s had an injection that should resolve everything in an hour or so. She does need rest as well. She seemed exhausted."

Ben nodded. 

Poe lay in the last bunk in a modified bacta suit. Through the clear liquid Ben could see that his torso was heavily bruised. 

“He will be here a few days. There was significant organ damage and internal bleeding,” the tech said softly. “He’s in recovery, but we honestly don’t know how he survived the trip here.” 

“He’s stubborn and he owes me flight time,” Ben informed her. He stepped back to survey the room where the four of them lay sleeping, out of danger at last. “Can I stay here somewhere?” he asked the tech. 

“We have a waiting area in the adjacent building,” the tech suggested. 

“I’d feel better if I could just stay here. Somewhere out of the way maybe?” Ben asked.

She looked him over. “You look pretty worn out yourself. Maybe you should go home, clean up, and go to bed. They’re fine. We’ll take good care of them.” 

Ben took a deep breath aware that Kylo Ren shouted inside him to threaten violence or compel her mentally to obey him. He ignored Ren's advice. “I really don’t want to leave. Please understand. I’ll be quiet and stay out of the way. I promise.” 

Inside him the echoes of the voices began to taunt him. _“Now we’re begging?”_ they sneered. 

He ignored them as well. They were memories left over from another life. They did not belong to him. They never had. “Please?” he repeated to the tech. 

She sighed. “Just stay out of the way, okay?” 

He agreed. 

The two surgical droids finished their work on Finn and moved to Rose. In only a matter of minutes they’d finished repairing her elbow as well. The droid above Rey continued to beep quietly, and the whoosh of the filtration system in Poe’s bacta suit took on a soothing rhythmic quality. 

The interior lights dimmed as the droids left, leaving him standing in the center of the room. D-O rolled slowly back and forth beside him. He sat down right where he was, where he could see everyone and reached out in the Force to them. 

He had so little left, but he encircled them all with tendrils of Force energy. Even asleep, Rey reached back to him, her warm sleepy presence interweaving with his. He closed his eyes and rested against her. 

He didn’t earn this. Not in any way. He didn’t deserve it. But as her love moved around and through him, he understood what he had. 

He was loved.

He was accepted. 

He was whole.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter but it got badly out of hand on me! So there's one more to come! Meanwhile, this one was a beast, and I would have waited a day to publish it except I promised everybody a chapter a day. So I reserve the right to tweak it after posting!  
> UPDATE: Now tweaking just a little and there ended up being a few more chapters after this one! ;)

The next several weeks were easily the best of Ben’s life. He worked with Rey on the school, getting it ready for students. He helped Rey and Finn design and build their new lightsabers--Rey’s crystal choosing an usual gold color. 

“That’s the color of the temple guards,” he said in amazement as she ignited it for the first time. The golden glow reflected in her eyes, bringing out the green in them. “I guess that’s you. The guardian of the Jedi way.” 

She was silent for a very long moment, so deep in her meditation with the crystal that he couldn’t read her. At last she looked back at him, her eyes suddenly filled with a maturity he hadn’t seen before. “I guess I am,” she said solemnly. He was momentarily overcome with gratitude to the Force that he was the one at her side, he was the one who would see what she would someday become. He was also a little afraid but in a good way.

However, as exciting as it was to embark on a new journey with Rey, the most wonderful parts of his life were the most ordinary. In their little community on Ajan Kloss, he was Ben Solo, son of Han and Leia. He walked about the community unmasked. No one secretly plotted to take his life. No voice drove him. No conflicting desires tore him apart. 

He had friends. He instructed Finn in lightsaber construction as well, almost as delighted as Finn when the blade flashed for the first time in a beam of sky blue. He helped Rose plant an herb garden beside her quarters. He flew with Poe whenever they could get time in a couple of X-wings. 

But most wonderful of all, he had Rey. Nothing dramatic happened. They just worked on the school and looked for students and ate and slept. He went to sleep in her arms each night and woke up the same way.

They even had a disagreement--their first--over the age of their students.

"I left home at nine. You were maybe five when you lost your parents. And just how screwed up did that make us?" he argued. 

"Yes, but--" She headed for the bookshelf and pulled out of the Jedi texts. 

"Rey, I know what it says. But look at Finn. He is older than you and he is growing stronger every day. Look at you! You beat me every time you fought me and had no training at all," he stated.

“Really?” she asked. “When you were bleeding to death the first time and being spoken to by the Force projection of your mother the second?”

He shrugged. “You still won.” Then he put his hands on her shoulders and looked in her eyes. "It's not about the age you start. It's about starting at all. Think about it. Meditate on it."

Then he let her make up her mind on her own. At last she agreed to his deep relief to concentrate on older students--at least at first. In the end it was not even an issue because their meditation sessions had led them only to older teenagers and young adults. Selra ended up being their youngest. 

Not every student they approached was interested, but within a few weeks they’d assembled a group of twelve and began training them to the best of their abilities. 

And their disagreement didn’t end their relationship. He hadn’t driven her away. She didn’t begin to plot against him. She just kept loving him. 

His life was perfect. He didn’t want to mess it up by reminding her or himself or their friends of the past. So he pretended there was nothing left to tell, no story of what made him that hung in the back of his mind, demanding to be aired, no level of honesty with himself or her that he hadn’t reached. 

His life was wonderful just like it was, so he buried the past under a thick blanket of denial, determined to pretend none of it had ever happened. He’d always been Ben Solo. He’d always been by her side. 

Any unwanted flashbacks of a life before this were thoroughly suppressed. Any moments when the chaos of the past threatened to spill over into his emotions in the present were firmly denied. He was happy. Not angry. Not sad. He had nothing to be angry or sad about. Not anymore. 

At least that was what he told himself. 

“I beat you,” Poe insisted as they crossed the landing field. “I was at the finish first. That means I beat you.” 

“After you told me the wrong layout of the course,” Ben retorted as he returned his helmet and flight suit to the hanger boss. 

“I didn’t tell you the wrong layout. I just left out part of it--which should have been obvious to someone with your experience,” Poe responded as he stepped out of his orange coveralls. “What’s for dinner?” 

“Stew. What else?” Ben answered. “Until you teach us a new recipe we’re making stew.”

Poe sighed. “Well, at least it’s been edible. Lately.” 

Ben grimaced at the memory. “That one’s on me,” he admitted. “I was the one that put in the ponjac root.” Poe shook his head in disappointment. Ben shrugged helplessly. “It smelled good. I thought it would taste good.” 

They heard Finn yelping before they opened the gate to the school compound. He stood in the wide grassy training area, his new lightsaber in hand, in combat with two training droids. The droids were clearly getting the better of him. 

“Wow. Rey’s got him moved up to two,” Poe exclaimed. “I thought it was going to take longer.” 

“I convinced her he was ready,” Ben explained.

They watched as Finn took a bolt to the left shoulder and right thigh simultaneously. 

“He wasn’t ready, was he?” Poe surmised. 

“Not at all,” Ben answered with a laugh. “But he really wanted to try. And adversity can be a very good teacher.” He shouted to Finn, “Close off your eyes and ears! Listen with your heart. Feel what you need to do. Quit thinking!” 

“I can’t!” Finn shouted as he desperately fought off the attacking droids. “I can’t quit thinking about how stupid I was to try this!” 

“Then you’re already defeated,” Ben called back. He reached out with the Force to pause the droids and stepped closer. “Stop. Breathe. Find your place of peace.” 

Finn stood there, eyes closed and took a deep breath. 

“Now find that place of determination. That place that drives you to win,” Ben instructed. He watched Finn’s mouth set in a hard line. “Good. Stand between the two in balance. Feel the peace and the determination.” Ben allowed their first padawan to take a few more deep breaths, then stepped back and released the droids once more. 

The Force rippled around them as Finn struck that place of balance, handily parrying the bolts that headed toward him and leaping a good six feet in the air over his attackers to strike from behind. Both droids dropped as their fields were breached by the streak of blue light in Finn’s hand. 

“Yes!” Ben shouted proudly. “That’s it!” 

“Did I get them?” Finn asked, his eyes still closed. 

“You sure did!” Poe clouted him on the shoulder in congratulations. “Man, that jump was incredible!” 

They chattered the rest of the way into the main building where Rey stood before their first full class of students, speaking to them about meditation. 

_“Who won?”_ She never stopped speaking to the group, but her presence flowed into him. 

_“Poe,”_ he admitted begrudgingly. 

_“Rose owes me dessert!”_ Her answer was entirely too triumphant. 

_“You bet against me?”_ he asked in mock horror. 

_“I knew you’d let him win,”_ she replied gently. _“You did let him win?”_

_“Oh yeah. Absolutely,”_ he answered. He and Poe headed past into the kitchen where Rose stood before a gigantic pot, attempting to stir it on tiptoe.

“I’ve got it.” Ben took the huge ladle from her hand and gave the pot of stew a good stir. “Rey said you owe her dessert from the race.” 

“Why?” Poe asked as he sampled the broth. “Wait a minute. Rose, did you bet on him instead of me?” He pressed a melodramatic hand to his chest. 

Rose shrugged. “Sorry.” 

“I guess you’ve got to start making dessert now,” Ben informed her. “Since I lost--” he shot a hard look at Poe “--I’ll help.”

She pointed to a large cake on the counter. “I’ve already made it.” 

“Wait a minute.” Ben held up a hand as realization hit him. “You bet on me to win, but expected me to lose? What kind of faith do you have in me, Rose?” 

She winked at him. “I knew you’d let Poe win. You did let him win?” 

“Oh yeah. Absolutely,” Ben replied with a smile as Poe bristled angrily.

“No, you didn’t!” Poe declared. 

“The girls think I did,” Ben retorted. “That’s all that counts to me.” 

“Rematch!” Poe shouted. “I’ll beat you twice. Rose, you better bet on me this time!” 

“I swear you two are going to have to grow up at some point,” Rey exclaimed as she entered the room. “I had to dismiss class early because of all the noise in here.” Ben felt her spirit wrap around his as she stepped up to give him a quick kiss. It amazed him once again just how profoundly wonderful that commonplace sign of affection felt. 

“So we’re acting like children?” Poe asked, then shot a glance at Ben. 

“Like brothers trying to one up each other,” Rose declared. 

“My mom kind of acted like your mom too,” Ben acquiesced. “I’ll claim you.” 

The group laughed, especially when Finn came in and started the whole conversation over again. 

They ate with the students, Selra dropping by the table to ask Ben a question about lightsabers. "It's a little early to be thinking about a lightsaber," Ben answered. "You've only been training a few weeks." 

"I can't help it," she replied. "I love to watch the sparring between Finn and Master Rey. Why don't you spar with them too? I only ever see you fight droids."

Ben shrugged her question off. Truthfully he never wanted to cross blades with either of them again, even in practice. "Tell you what, Selra, when you are ready I will gladly spar with you." 

She smiled in delight. “I bet you're a really good teacher,” she said. “Who taught you?” 

“I had a few teachers. I got something from all of them.” He avoided a direct answer, not allowing any memories of training with Luke or Ren or Snoke to surface long enough to visualize. Pretend none of it happened, he reminded himself. There was only now. Rey laughed at something Poe said and he soaked in her happiness like it was his own.

After the meal, they regrouped at Ben and Rey’s house. “I really like having dinner together like this. I used to always eat with Paige in the evenings,” Rose admitted as they gathered in their mismatched seating area. "I miss that.” 

"Who is Paige?" Ben asked as he took a seat next to Rey on their small sofa. 

"She was my sister," Rose replied.

"Yes! The one Jehan used to date back on Hayes Minor," Ben recalled suddenly. "So she's not...around?" He suddenly grew very uncomfortable. 

"She died at the evacuation of D'Qar." Ben sensed the grief behind her words.

His blood ran cold. He didn't kill Rose's sister at D’Qar. Surely he didn't kill Rose's sister. "How?" he made himself ask, his heart pounding with dread as the past came to get him once again. 

"She was on the bombing run. Her ship destroyed the dreadnought but got caught in the explosion," Rose replied quietly. 

Ben nodded, relief coursing through him. He hadn't shot down any bombers. That much he knew. 

“I guess none of us have brothers or sisters,” Rey said as she glanced around the group. 

“I used to have eleven,” Finn commented, though he shifted uncomfortably as he said it. 

“You what?” Poe asked incredulously. 

“My squadron,” Finn replied solemnly. “Even after everything that we’ve been through, I still think the hardest thing I ever did was leave them.” 

“Have you seen any of them since?” Ben asked despite his determination not to look back. “Did you connect with FN-7321? Was she part of your squadron?” 

Finn shook his head. “Not part of my squadron. We just knew each other from the platoon. We did meet up again on Kef Bir when she got resettled. It was good to see someone I knew, but we weren't close like I was with my guys. I’m not sure if any of my squad even survived.” 

Ben recalled seeing Finn for the first time. He had the blood of a dead teammate on his helmet. It had been Finn's surge of horror and grief that had caught his attention. Part of him had felt the same way--horrified and grief stricken by what he’d just done to Lor San Tekka, a man who’d been nothing but kind to him. 

He had dismissed these emotions as weakness at the time and turned all the guilt FN-2187 engendered in him into more hatred and rage. But he had been completely wrong. Finn's compassion had been his greatest strength. 

Now the guilt came back to him in full force. Finn had been forced to make that hard decision and leave the only home he’d ever known because of the atrocities he had asked of him. 

“You should try to find them. Like we did with the first students,” Rey suggested. 

Ben nodded in agreement. If Finn wanted to meditate with Rey, he would be fine with that, he told himself, denying the little surge of jealousy at the thought of anyone but himself meditating that deeply with Rey. 

But Rey turned to him and gave his knee a squeeze. “Ben, I think it would be more likely to succeed if you worked with Finn,” she said, almost as if she’d read his thoughts. “I mean you and he are First Order brothers. You know the energy of that group much better than I would.” 

“We’ve settled plenty of troopers on Kef Bir,” Rose reminded them. “That might be the best place to start.” 

“No, you guys.” Finn waved his hands at them in denial. “That’s too much trouble. And they probably never want to see me again. I mean I left them behind.” 

Ben couldn’t help but feel the sudden wave of regret and loss that poured from the former trooper. 

Rey reached over to give Finn’s hand a squeeze. “You need to do this,” she informed him. “We’re family now, but you were family then. You should at least get the chance to make it right between you.” 

Then her brow wrinkled in thought and she turned to Ben. “Do you have anyone from the First Order that you were close to? Someone you knew well?” 

Ben was taken aback by the question. Only one person came to mind. If ever two people were bound by shared suffering it would be them. Ben shook his head. “No.”

“Even I can tell you’re lying,” Poe declared. “Who?” 

_Snoke's gigantic holographic face loomed over him as he knelt. "You fail to make progress on the map. Perhaps I should turn this task over to someone more dedicated to the First Order. Someone who has proven his loyalty," the image sneered._

_How he'd panicked at the thought of losing his place in the hierarchy. "No. I will not fail," he'd assured his master._

_"Perhaps Hux can find it. He has been most successful of late in assuming his late father's responsibilities. He is a devoted son of the Order," Snoke's insinuation being that Ren was not._

_Jealousy and hatred surged through him._ **He seeks to replace you due to your weakness, a weakness Hux does not share.** _“I will not fail you, Master,” he declared confidently._

_Snoke’s face grew even larger. “See that you don’t.”_

Ben shook the memory away but heard himself ask, “I don’t suppose Armitage Hux turned up anywhere?” 

“No,” Rose replied. “He didn’t.” 

Ben nodded, unsurprised. Hux had been on Steadfast, probably cursing the Resistance to the very end.

"Hux? Your First Order brother was Hux?" Finn sounded horrified. 

"No!” Ben denied it firmly. “I hated him. He hated me. Snoke constantly pit us against each other. We had to compete for everything,” Ben continued defensively. “He even tried to kill me a couple of times. We were absolutely not brothers."

Poe started to laugh, though he tried to hide it. “What?” Rose demanded, slugging Poe on the shoulder. “What is so funny right now?”

“I’m just remembering getting him on comms at D’Qar,” Poe snickered. “I was trying to delay him long enough to give the fleet time to escape and give us a shot at that damned dreadnought. I kept ‘holding for Hux’ for a good two minutes while he kept saying, ‘Can you hear me? I can hear you.’ It was hilarious.” 

Ben just stared at him in amazement then started to laugh, making Poe tell the entire story. 

“He just got more and more confused,” Poe ended triumphantly, wiping his eyes. “That was so much fun.” He took a breath and his expression changed to regret. “Then it all went to hell.” 

Rose patted him on the arm. “Paige died doing what she believed in. I still think it was the right call.” 

“In hindsight, probably. We’d have never gotten out of that dreadnought’s range,” Poe stated. “Anyway, it was a lot of fun to prank Hux. Was he really that stupid?”

Finn shook his head. “General Hux was not stupid. He was a psychopath. He actually enjoyed hurting people.” 

_The door to Snoke’s throne room on Supremacy opened. Ren watched as Hux stepped through fresh from his latest audience with the Supreme Leader, his shoulders back proudly. But once the door closed behind him, he staggered a few steps and bent over, hands on his knees. Ren continued to walk toward him, amused by how quickly Hux straightened up and tried to appear unshaken the instant he noticed Ren’s approach._

_“Your turn, Ren,” Hux said bitterly. “I softened him up for you.”_

_The general’s normally immaculate uniform was rumpled and a stream of blood ran down the side of his face onto his collar. Hux scowled in disdain as he passed, but could not hide the look of defeat that lay just beneath. Ren knew it well. He rarely left an audience with Snoke without the same expression. But Hux would never know. The mask hid it all, he thought in satisfaction._

“Hux was an asshole,” Ben agreed. “But he never really had a choice. He worshipped the First Order because Brendol Hux beat it into him from the day he was born. Snoke tortured it into him every day after that. It was all he wanted. He belonged to it.”

“I don’t know about that. I mean he did turn on them,” Poe commented as he rose to pour himself another drink.

“He did what?” Ben asked. 

“Turned spy. Out of nowhere we started getting all kinds of intel and we had no idea who was doing it or why,” Poe explained as he sat down again. “It was Hux.”

Pieces of an old puzzle started to click into place. "Hux was the spy? All along?" Ben repeated in disbelief. 

"Yeah," Poe answered casually as he took a sip. "He gave up all kinds of secrets." 

“He what?” Ben exclaimed despite himself and shook his head as he tried to make sense of their accusation. “That’s not possible. He lived for the First Order.”

Poe shrugged in confusion. “I guess he changed. He’s the only reason we all got off Steadfast alive. I couldn’t believe it either.”

“He told me to shoot him in the arm to make our escape look more plausible,” Finn added. “I shot him in the leg instead. It felt good to do it at the time, but now I feel kind of bad considering he didn’t make it out.”

_Starkiller Base. Ren lay in the snow, bleeding out, barely conscious, his thoughts full of his father, the lightsaber’s rejection, the girl who’d bested him._

_“Snoke ordered me to evacuate you,” Hux grumbled as he trudged through the snow. “I picked this up on my way out. I figured you’d miss it.” He tossed Ren’s helmet directly onto the gaping hole in his side, causing Ren to groan in pain. Then Hux stepped forward and crouched beside him._

_“If I thought I could get away with it, I’d kill you now,” he said, too quietly for the stormtroopers flanking them to hear. Instead he pressed the standard first-aid injection to his neck. “I have no idea why Snoke keeps you around. Probably just to annoy me. One day he’ll be gone and the First Order will be mine. Guess what my first act will be?” He then backed away and gestured for a pair of troopers to help Ren to his feet._

_In the chaos of his emotional state, Ren found Hux’s animosity reassuring, a constant he could rely on, a steady source of antagonism in the upheaval of his world._

“So Armitage Hux died a traitor to the First Order? Helping you all escape?” Ben couldn’t help but repeat the words. They nodded at him. 

“That idiot! he exclaimed. He wished he had Hux's throat in his hands to throttle some sense into him. “If he didn’t care about the Order anymore, he should have left!” Ben tried to fathom what Hux had been thinking. “I know how bad he hated the Resistance. Why risk helping you? It makes no sense,” he declared. “Did he say why he did it?”

The room went quiet. 

“When we asked him why, he said he didn’t care if we won as long as you lost,” Finn admitted quietly.

It took a moment for the words to soak in. “He was still trying to beat me?”

Maybe it was the Force, maybe it was his imagination, maybe it was every memory he’d tried so hard to deny, but suddenly his old nemesis stood before him, that slicked over red hair, that prim uniform, that supercilious look on his face. Ben leaped to his feet, barely aware that Rey had taken a tight grip on his hand. 

“You idiot!” he yelled at him. “You betrayed everything we said we believed in! You turned on the only family you had! And for what? A chance to get at me?” The floor trembled and the glasses clinked together in the cabinet as he momentarily let his emotions rule. His friends stared at him, shocked expressions on their faces. Rey sent a flood of calming energy into him through the death grip she had on his hand. But the spectre of his old enemy haunted him still.

“When I killed Snoke, you were free! Everybody who ever drove and tortured _you_ was dead and gone!” Ben’s voice broke. " You had a choice! Snoke didn’t still live inside _your_ head!” Ben twisted the fingers of his free hand into his hair as if he could rip out even the memory of the darkness that had driven him all his life. 

“All you had to do was walk away if you didn’t care anymore!” Ben shouted, his voice rough with emotion. “But no! You had to throw it all away just to try to get at me! As if I meant anything! I was just Snoke’s other target!" 

His breath caught in his chest as the image began to fade. Suddenly all the rage abandoned him and there was nothing left but grief. "You dumb bastard, I wasn't your real enemy. I was the only one who ever understood you.” The words choked in his throat. "Why didn't you just leave?"

Then Rey’s arms were around him as he wept for the other lost soul of the First Order, the brother in misery he should have reached out to instead of tormented, the one he should have made his ally and not his enemy. He held her for a long moment, then forced himself to pull it together. 

“I’m sorry,” he said to the group at last. “I’m glad he helped you. He did the right thing for the wrong reasons. I just wish it had all been different. All of it.”

He turned to Finn. “If there’s a chance you can mend things with your squad, you should do it. Even if you all choose never to see each other again, they were your family once. They understood what you went through. I will help you find them. I promise.” 

Ben scanned their faces. “I’m sorry," he repeated. "I don’t know why I lost it like that. I hated him. I did. But just knowing that none of it really meant anything to him. That he could have walked away and didn't because of me.” 

Rey continually poured reassurances into him through the bond. Then Finn spoke up. “I get it, Ben. I hated them and loved them too.” 

Rose finally sat back in her seat, but Poe kept leaning toward him, elbows on his knees, staring at him as if he were trying to see into him. Ben was suddenly very glad Poe was not Force-sensitive. 

“During your little rant, you let something slip, Ben.” Poe sounded reasonable, but there was a steel underneath his words that Ben had never heard before from the otherwise easygoing pilot. “There’s something about you that I don’t think you’ve told us. Something pretty important about who you are. For Rey’s sake--for Rey’s safety--I think you need to spill it.” Poe’s tone made it a non-negotiable. “What do you mean when you said Snoke didn’t live inside Hux’s head? Whose head did he live inside? And where might he live now?”


	22. Chapter 22

Poe, Rose, and Finn just sat there and looked at him. Rey’s grip on his hand grew even tighter as she pulled him down to sit as well.

Ben scanned their faces again, trying to get a better read on them. Now that his emotional outburst was over, he didn’t remember half of what he had said to imaginary Hux. How bad had it been?

Rose looked like she’d seen a ghost. Finn looked like he’d seen a wild animal. Poe looked like he’d seen his worst enemy. Really bad, he decided. Ben turned to Rey, looking to her for some interpretation. 

“Answer me, Ben,” Poe demanded gently but firmly, still leaning in with his elbows on his knees. “Whose head did Snoke live in? Yours? Just exactly what are you?”

Ben felt the blood rush out of his face as the realization hit him that the last few weeks of happy normalcy had been only an illusion. They’d seen the reality of the unstable wreck that still lay just below the surface of Ben Solo. 

His hands began to tremble.

If they knew what made him— _who_ made him--- they’d never trust him again. Every bit of acceptance he’d gained would vanish--if it hadn’t already. 

His heart raced.

He was about to lose everything he’d gained. It was over, he realized desperately. The minute he told them what he really was, it was all over. 

The walls began to close in on him.

Rey stood up and interposed herself between him and Poe, still holding Ben's hand tightly. “That’s probably a conversation best left for another day. It’s perfectly okay to drop it for now,” she said evenly. “Poe, I’d rather hear about your spice running days. They sound very exciting.” As she spoke, she pulled energy from him through the grip on his fingers. He practically saw the Force vibrate through the room, overwhelming even Finn with the power of her words. He felt himself calm down just a little. After all, it was perfectly okay to drop it for now.

The rest of the evening was spent listening to all kinds of stories about spice-running. Eventually, Ben regrouped enough emotionally to add a couple of his father’s tales to the mix. When they parted company, everyone was laughing.

“So we’re still on for tomorrow?” Rose asked. “Kef Bir?”

“Absolutely,” Rey replied for the both of them.

“Sure,” Poe responded. “But I’m flying. All this talk about running spice makes me want to try an old shortcut that used to run from Jedha to Jakku. No one really uses it anymore. Ben, you want to co-pilot?”

“Of course,” Ben replied, but he’d felt Rey stiffen a little at the mention of Jakku. _“Are okay with that?”_ he asked silently.

She nodded and squeezed his hand.

Once in bed, she snuggled up beside him. He lay there with his eyes closed and tried to go to sleep.

After several minutes, he opened his eyes again and asked the question that had been racing through his brain. “How bad was it? Really?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes,” he answered even though he would have preferred a reassuring lie.

“Sweetheart,” she began.

He grew immediately nervous. She’d never called him ‘sweetheart’ before. Or any kind of endearment for that matter.

Then she sat up and looked down at him. “I have never used Force manipulation on my friends,” she began seriously. “It is a very wrong thing to do. But they’d all just seen a full projection of a tall, red haired First Order officer that I presume was General Hux.”

He blinked at her in disbelief. “That wasn’t just in my head?”

“No, sweetheart,” she said it again and he grew even more anxious. “Everyone saw him. I don’t know how you used the Force in that particular fashion, but it is pretty unnerving.” She took his hand in both of hers. “Then you let slip that Snoke had been inside your head. They were concerned.”

“They should be,” he admitted. He ran his other hand over his face. “I swear to you, I thought I was better,” he continued. “I thought things were finally going right for me. For us. I thought it was all behind me. That it was over. That I was done with all of it.”

“Darling,” she changed endearments. It must have been really, really bad. “Do you think we are? We’re all still dealing with everything from the past several years, especially them. Rose still has moments when she relives D’Qar. I’m sure Poe and Finn have their bad moments too. Their bad memories are just as real, only not as complicated as yours. Or as realistic in their replay.”

He nodded. Complicated was a mild way of putting it.

“At some point, you’ll have to talk about him. You’ll have to be honest with yourself and the rest of us about what drove you to become what you did,” she declared. “But I could tell that right then was not the time.”

Not the time was also a mild way of putting it. Before Rey had stepped in, he’d felt on the verge of full-blown panic. Even thinking about it made his heart rate rise again, and he sat up and faced her. “You know why I can’t tell them. They’re scared enough of me as it is,” he stated firmly. “I don’t want to give anyone more reasons not to trust me. What they already know is bad enough.”

“Sweetheart, you are too hard on yourself,” she said gently, rubbing his arm. “They’ll understand. And talking about it to somebody will be good for you.”

No, it wouldn’t, he wanted to say aloud. It would only force him to relive things he’d rather forget and bring up issues he’d rather ignore. He’d healed his kyber crystal. That was enough work on the past. It would have to be.

She pulled him into her arms. “Yes, it would,” she said aloud. He’d clearly broadcast his thoughts too loudly to ignore. “It’s going to be okay. No one is afraid of you.”

“They probably should be,” he replied, allowing himself to relax into her embrace. “I think I’m afraid of me now.”

She laughed and lay down, pulling him next to her. He rested his head on her shoulder and she began to play with his hair. “Your hair is getting long,” she commented as she ran her fingers through it.

“I’ll get it cut,” he offered. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

“No, leave it,” she said as she twisted the length into her grip. “It gives me something to hang on to,” she added with a laugh.

He rolled up onto his elbow, her hand tugging at the back of his head. “Promise me you’ll never let go.”

She smiled at him. “Ben Solo, I will never let you go. I promise.”

She pulled him closer and kissed all the remaining anxiety out of him. When they finally fell asleep much later, her fingers were still tangled in his hair.

-0-

Poe’s shortcut had been an adventure in piloting, Ben had to admit. With sketchy information at best and bad information at worst, they’d only narrowly avoided the gravitational pull of an otherwise uncharted singularity.

“Where the hell are we?” Ben finally asked in frustration. “The nav comp thinks we’re at Bespin.” He looked out the viewport at the small rocky planet beneath them. “I’ve been to Bespin. That is not it.”

Poe shrugged. “I have no idea. BB-8, can you please talk to the nav computer and between the two of you figure out where we are?” He looked over at Ben. “In the meantime, how about we have something to eat? I’m starving.”

They left BB-8 in communication with the navigational systems and headed into the lounge area. Rose sat crosslegged on the sofa, a cup in her hand. Finn and Rey stared at each other across the holographic figures dotting the game table.

“Your move,” Finn informed her.

Rey studied the board her eyes narrowing. _“I can’t remember what the pieces do,”_ she silently commented to Ben. _“I can’t ask Finn again. He’s told me three times already, but the truth is I’m just not very interested in playing right now._

 _“Move the big purple hairy one three spaces forward and one to the right. The game will be over,”_ he replied, trying to hide the smirk on his face.

She entered the command and they all watched as the figure crawled ahead and over, then grew three times normal size and exploded, detonating each piece on the board within five squares. When the lightshow was over, only a small purple piece on the far edge of the board remained. “Good job, Rey! Looks like you won!” Ben cheered, giving her a kiss on the head.

Finn leaned back aghast. “Wait a minute! How did you---?”

Rey blinked at him innocently. “I think I got lucky! Does that mean I win?” She rose from the table. “That was fun,” she exclaimed but as she caught Ben’s eye she shook her head ever so slightly.

Finn was still staring at the board in disbelief. “I’ll play you,” Ben offered.

“Okay,” Finn accepted, still staring at the board.

Two games later, Finn and Poe sat side by side conferring on strategy. “This is almost as bad as trying to beat Chewbacca,” Finn complained.

Ben leaned back, his hands laced together behind his head. “Master Chewie taught me everything I know,” he declared proudly.

BB-8 rolled into the room, beeping excitedly that he’d corrected the coordinates and the nav computer was ready to lay in the course to Kef Bir. “Great!” Ben exclaimed and turned off the board to Finn and Poe’s cries of protest.

“We almost had you!” Finn complained.

Ben shrugged.

 _“Did they?”_ Rey asked silently.

 _“Why do you think I turned off the board? I was about to get my ass kicked,”_ Ben replied with a grin.

Soon, Kef Bir floated beneath them, green and blue and white. They circled low over the settlement. It looked nothing like the last time they’d landed. Instead of a few sparse buildings, there was a sprawling community of individual barracks with gardens between them. Herds of large quadrupeds roamed freely throughout.

They set down in the landing field alongside a small First Order cruiser, a TIE, and a troop carrier. Jannah met them with a big smile on her face. “Welcome to Tezaria!” she cried.

“Tezaria?” Poe asked. “When did that happen?”

“Last week,” she declared triumphantly. “Tezaria is now the official capital of Kef Bir, second moon of Endor. Is that cool or what?”

Hearty congratulations ensued. Finn informed Jannah of the purpose of his visit and she led the group into a small side building. “This is the capital building, at least for now,” she informed them. Then she pulled up a seat next to a data terminal and began to check the trooper designations he gave her. “I see six of your guys,” she said excitedly. “They’re across the settlement—” she pulled out a rough map and pointed to a cluster of buildings “—there. FN platoon has that whole area.”

“How is everybody doing?” Ben asked. Flutters of anxiousness began in his stomach. He began to wonder if he should have come, considering that it was that easy to find them. He didn’t really belong here.

“Great—for the most part,” she replied. “We are learning every day. And the tougher and more physical the job, the better we do at it. So we work really really hard--sometimes even when we don’t have to--then party really really hard to get over it.”

She gave them a brief tour on the way to the FN area, pointing out their new vehicle maintenance station, their new blacksmithy, and their new medical facilities. “We’ve pulled in as many of the First Order resettled officers as we could to help out with logistics on all this. You’d be surprised how well that’s working out.”

The group stopped in unspoken unison at the edge of the FN area. “You want us along?” Poe asked Finn. “No problem if you need to do this on your own.”

Finn took a deep breath. “Rey? Rose? Would you mind coming along?”

“Sure,” Rose answered immediately. 

Rey glanced at Ben then nodded. "Absolutely," she said.

He watched the three of them and Jannah cross the open area between a circle of buildings. Jannah pointed them to a door. Finn knocked, Rose and Rey just behind and to each side of him. 

A tall, dark-haired man opened the door. Ben couldn’t hear their voices, but saw the man converse briefly, then grab Finn by both sides of his jacket and shake him. Rey’s hand went to her lightsaber, but she didn’t take it from her belt. Then the man pulled Finn into a big bear hug. A huge smile sprang to Finn’s face as he returned the hug. Then the trio was pulled inside. 

Ben sniffed once. Then turned to Poe. 

“That’s good to see,” Poe commented with a sniff of his own. “Makes me miss my guys.” 

“Your flight group?” Ben asked. “Can we find them too?”

“Not on this side of the Force,” Poe replied sadly. “It’s okay. I think I’ll go see if I can get an introduction. What about you?” 

Ben shook his head. “Not right now. Later. They’ve got enough to talk about without having to deal with--”

“Kylo Ren!” came a shout from behind them, almost on cue. 

Ben turned to see a group of familiar faces. FN-7321 came running across the way toward him, her squadmates right alongside. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked excitedly, shaking him by the arm. “You were supposed to meet up with us at the evacuation. For the longest time we thought you died. We looked for you everywhere.” Then as if she realized what she was doing, she let go of him, straightened to attention, and added a belated, “Sir.” 

“I got picked up by this crowd instead. It took a while before I could negotiate my way out of trouble,” Ben stated with a smile. “I am glad to see you all. How is it going here?”

“Great!” They all looked at each other. “Mostly great,” FN-7321 qualified. “It’s not like being on ship at all.” The group shook their heads, almost collectively. 

“But you have what you need?” Ben asked. “Everyone seems to be settling in well?” 

“We can’t believe that this is real,” one of the others stated. “We can’t thank you enough.” 

“Me?” Ben couldn’t believe they were crediting him. 

“When they questioned us about what happened on Finalizer, we told them what you did. You saved all of us, sir,” another spoke up. “We know that. We expected to go to prison. You gave us a world.” 

“Hey, Countdown,” a tall, black-haired man laughed. “Tell him your real name!” 

“No!” she shouted back. “Sixty, you are such a dick.”

“I swear to creation, I think Countdown’s in love with you,” the one she called Sixty jibed. 

“Yeah, well so are you!” she snapped back with a huge grin. “You’re the one who came up with our clan name!”

“Okay, okay,” Sixty acquiesced then gave her a big kiss right on the lips. “You know I have to tease you. I mean, Ren’s right here. I’ll never get another chance.” 

“I’m so going to make you pay for this,” she said, swatting Sixty on the rear. 

“Promises, promises,” he replied as the rest of the group howled. Ben was just confused. 

Sixty gave him a smile. “Our clan name--which I suggested--is Faren. So shoot me for wanting to be loyal!” he declared proudly. “But Countdown here named herself Kylara, okay?” 

“It’s not like I go by it,” she said dryly even though she blushed to the roots of her hair. “We all pretty much still use our First Order nicknames. Our ident names are more ceremonial than anything else.” 

“Ident names?” Ben asked, still flabbergasted by the conversation taking place around him. 

“Yeah. When we all got to Kef Bir, we got to create New Republic ident codes with Kef Bir as our planet of origin if we wanted,” said Countdown? Kylara? FN-7321?--Ben had no idea what to call her. “Everybody picked their own given name, but we wanted our squad to have its own clan name, so we chose Faren--you know, out of FN.” 

“What about the information on the trooper program that I gave the Resistance? You should all know your planet of origin now,” Ben said. 

Sixty shrugged. “Most of us came from some off the wall colony or mining camp we don't know anything about. And the few of us that were actually surrendered by a family instead of an organization like a brothel or orphanage had no interest in finding the assholes who sold them off to be soldiers.” A couple of the group nodded solemnly at this revelation. “So I think we all picked Kef Bir as our birthplace. It feels like we were all reborn here anyway. All but Bucky there.” He pointed at a very large man on the periphery. “His rebirth took longer. I guess it was a month before we got him to take his bucket off his head.”

“It felt weird,” Bucky complained. “I still feel like I’m missing something. Like any second Phasma is going to turn the corner and catch me without it.” 

“Hey, have chow with us!” Countdown said excitedly. “We were just about to finish up and eat.” 

“Can I bring a guest?” Ben asked. 

“Yeah! We’ve got plenty of stew to go around,” she said expansively. 

Ben couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay. Let me get her.” He turned toward the barracks the others had entered. 

“Wait a minute! You’re visiting with them too?” Sixty called. “We’ll just pull it all out into the middle. No need to separate off.” He walked with Ben to the door, knocked once, then entered. “You guys want to eat in the middle tonight since we’ve all got guests?” 

Ben peeked in through the door to see a group of about fifteen men and women he did not know, all sitting around in chairs and on the floor in excited conversation with his group. 

“Hey, Ben!” Finn called to him with a huge smile. “Come meet everybody!” 

A round of introductions composed of a mix of nicknames and truncated numbers swirled around him, punctuated with a good mix of “nice to meet you, sir” and “thanks for this, sir” and “never thought I’d meet Kylo Ren” and other odd comments, universally well-meaning. He shook hands and nodded and replied as appropriately as he could given the surreal circumstances. 

Within the hour, the central area had turned from empty grassy plain to dining area as tables, chairs, rugs, and blankets were brought outside, along with a variety of foods as each FN squad brought out their contribution to the meal. They talked and visited and requested Finn to demonstrate his burgeoning force abilities. They even sang. 

“Who knew stormtroopers sang?” Poe asked Ben incredulously. 

Ben just shrugged. He’d never seen this side of his soldiers, this family atmosphere, this camaraderie that did indeed include an awful lot of hugging. Clearly some were romantically linked as well. 

Sixty and Countdown were an obvious pair, a fact he was particularly relieved by considering her choice of name and the deep blush that had risen in her cheeks when Sixty called her on it. 

It felt wonderful to sit by that impromptu campfire and try a variety of meals--mostly stew--and listen to their tales of life on Kef Bir, punctuated by reminiscences of life aboard ship. He even heard a couple of tales on himself--glad to grin and take the teasing since it was offered in such a generous spirit of fun. 

“Hey, everybody,” a dark-skinned man stepped up and called for attention. “Before we turn loose for the night, Sevens and I wanted to pass on some news. Jannah signed off on our pair cert today!” He pulled over a trooper with short red hair and put his arm around her. “We’re officially married!” he shouted with a fist pump. 

Congratulations flowed around them along with a lot of ribald teasing. 

“I never thought they’d go through with it,” Countdown said with a grin. “They’ve been talking about it ever since they found out they could.” 

“What do you mean since they found out they could?” Rey asked curiously. 

“I mean we’re bucketheads,” Sixty explained. “We are officially forbidden--well, we were--from having any kind of romantic relationships. Didn’t mean it didn’t happen, but it was a punishable offense. We all looked out for each other though. Helped hide what needed to stay hidden. Then Jannah told everybody that she had been granted power to sign certs when Kef Bir was officially recognized.” 

“When are you going to sign a cert with me?” Countdown asked him with a smile. 

“When you ask me to,” Sixty replied with a smile of his own. Clearly this was an ongoing debate between them as they circled around the idea of making their relationship official. 

“Hey,” Ben turned to Rey. 

“Jannah issues ident codes,” she said. 

“And marriage certs,” he added. “What are you doing tomorrow morning?” 

“Nothing. Want to get married?” she asked. 

“I think that’s a great idea,” he replied. Rey’s smile lit up his world as she pulled him to her for a deep, passionate kiss that lasted long enough to generate a number of whoops and catcalls from the troopers around them. 

He felt himself blushing a little, but couldn’t stop smiling.

Rey sat down in front of him and leaned back against his chest as he put his arms around her. 

"So this is what it feels like," Ben commented as the party continued around them. 

"What feels like?" she asked.

"Happiness." 

She wrapped her arms around his and snuggled in closer. "I guess it is." The fire crackled merrily as the stars wheeled overhead in the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I'm trying so hard to keep to a chapter a night! Sorry I missed one! And this is so hot off the press I haven't even really edited it. So be merciful. I might make changes to it after the fact, but I really want to keep my promise! And it keeps growing. Maybe one more???


	23. Chapter 23

The next morning, Jannah met them at her office. “So,” she began in a leisurely fashion, leaning back in her chair with her feet propped on the edge of her desk. “Master Jedi Rey needs an ident code and Kylo Ren needs a marriage certification. I never thought I would be in a position where I could conceivably deny either.” 

“You won’t deny them though?” Ben asked half-seriously. 

“No,” she laughed. “But it sure feels nice to have this kind of power for once in my life.” She sat up again and pulled up the terminal to begin. “First of all, Master Rey, we need to get your ident code officially issued. Then we can proceed with the pair cert. Planet of origin?” Jannah asked. 

Rey looked at Ben and frowned. “I wasn’t born on Jakku, but I don’t know where I was born. I could claim Naboo, but I don’t know for sure if that’s a good thing to do.” 

“Ahch-to?” Ben suggested. “Nobody would complain about that. The caretakers wouldn’t even know.” 

“Maybe?” Rey didn’t sound convinced. 

“If I can make a suggestion,” Jannah interjected, “Kef Bir is the best choice. I’ve got authority to issue as needed for Kef Bir because of the trooper relocation. If you name a planet that doesn’t have official New Republic recognition, it could cause problems later on.” 

Rey sighed. 

“What’s wrong?” Ben asked, taking her hand. 

“I tried to kill you on Kef Bir,” she said sadly. 

“Look at this place as a fresh start for both of us. It’s where you walked away from the darkness. It’s where Ben Solo was reborn because of you,” he assured her. “It’s where I got myself back--right over there.” He pointed in the direction of the looming wreckage of the Death Star in the distance. 

She smiled at him. “Okay. Kef Bir it is. Just like Finn’s family and your friends.” 

Jannah made the entry. “Next, clan name or family name, whichever you want to use.” 

Rey frowned again. “Ben, this is too hard. I won’t use my real name. Besides I doubt if my parents even went by it, and I have no clue what name they did use.”

“Do you want to wait until we can find out more?” Ben asked. “We don’t have to do this now. I don’t want you to rush into anything you aren’t ready for.” 

“It’s not like it really matters anyway,” Rey said. “I just want to be Rey Solo at the end of the day.” 

“So do what all of us troopers have done,” Jannah suggested. “My battalion took our TZ designation and turned it into something we all liked and agreed to.”

“Which is?” Rey asked. 

Jannah gave Ben a sideways look before answering, “Tazaren.” At Ben’s raised eyebrows she added, “You’d be surprised how many clan names and personal names ended up being variations on Kylo Ren, okay? Once all this started happening and people landed here talking about how Kylo Ren got them out of the First Order, you became pretty much a hero.” 

Jannah gave him a smile. “I mean you were already a legend--mostly for scaring the hell out of everybody--but you never treated troopers like they were objects, not like Hux and Phasma and Parnadee and the rest of them.” 

Ben just stared at her in shock. How could they have such a high opinion of him? “That’s not right,” Ben finally said. “I’m no hero. Not by a long shot.” 

“You nearly died blowing up Finalizer,” Jannah said. “We’ve all heard the story of how you made sure everybody got off before using the Force to explode the reactor.” 

Rey nodded. “I’d agree with that. You’re a hero.” 

Ben shook his head. “You need a clan name,” he tried to turn the conversation back on track and away from him. “How about Skywalker? I bet Luke would be proud of that.” 

She shook her head. “You’re the Skywalker. I’ll claim it through you. How long is this name going to stay with me?” she asked Jannah. 

“Only long enough to get your code issued,” Jannah replied. “Then we’ll replace it completely if you want. When you break up with this piece of work, you can take it back.” 

“I’m not going to break up with him,” Rey said with a laugh. “We’re already permanently connected by a bond way stronger than that marriage cert.” 

“So pick what you want,” Jannah said. 

“Nobody. I’ll take Nobody,” she declared at last. “That’s what I’ve already been all my life.” 

Ben took her by the shoulders. “Absolutely not. You aren’t nobody. You’ve never been nobody.” Then he had an idea. “When I thought I was going to have to start over after Exegol, a desk clerk asked my name. I told them Kessel. I always grew up hearing stories from my dad about the Kessel Run--which Poe and I are going to do at some point and I swear to you we will do it in eleven. We’ve already got it planned out. We just need a new ship--anyway, Kessel just came to me. It felt like something my dad would laugh at. It made me smile a little in a moment when everything else in my life was miserable. So pick something like that. Something that makes you smile.” 

“Kessel,” she ran the word past herself. “I actually like that. It’s like having a little of the Millennium Falcon with me always. That ship got me off Jakku and led me to Han and Chewie. Then your dad got me to the Resistance.” She nodded at Jannah. “Rey Kessel,” she declared firmly. 

Jannah finished the ident code, scanned Rey’s bio data into the system and within moments, Rey Kessel was registered as a citizen of Kef Bir and the New Republic. Somewhere out there Ben was certain his father was delighted. 

“So we’re done here, right?” Rey rose to her feet. 

Ben looked up at her, eyes wide. “If you want to be, yes,” he agreed even though his heart sank. 

“Not a chance,” she laughed. “Marry me, Ben Solo.” 

So he did. 

As they walked out of Jannah’s office several minutes later, Rey asked him again to repeat his full name. “I had trouble coming up with two names and you already had what six? Seven?” she asked, her arm tucked in his.

“No. Just five,” he admitted sheepishly. It really wasn’t fair. “I promise you the next thing we do is find out who your parents are. Then we’ll come back to Jannah and give you eight names to honor everybody who loved you.”

“But I keep Kessel,” she replied. “I’m getting very fond of it. Now tell me all of yours again and what they mean.”

“Ben for Obi-wan Kenobi, the Jedi that got Luke off Tatooine and into the Rebellion. He went by Ben, and I am glad of it because Obi-wan is a mouthful,” he began. “Then Prestor for my mother’s adopted father Bail Prestor Organa.” An idea suddenly occurred to him. “Hey, you know that if there was still an Alderaan you’d be queen right now. Technically, I’m Viceroy.”

Her eyes widened. “So I’m royalty?” she asked doubtfully.

“Only technically. There’s no planet to be royalty of,” he said with a sigh, suddenly aware that he had a host of unresolved issues related to that fact as well.

“And there was at least one more,” she prompted after he was silent for a little too long.

“My mom added Naberrie when I was about four after she found her mother’s family on Naboo,” he explained. “It was my grandmother’s family name. Hey, she was a queen too for a while. Amidala, I think.”

“So none of your names are just yours and no one else’s?” Rey asked curiously.

“Where do you think Kylo came from?” he replied. “I named myself that when I was about six because I wanted one of my names to be just mine. But I never could get anyone to call me Kylo. They all kept using Ben. To this day, I have no idea how I came up with it.”

Rey stopped abruptly right in the path. “And Ren was for?”

“Ren was what the Knights of Ren called both the dark side and their leader,” he replied. “What are you getting at? I don’t like that look in your eyes.”

“We’re going back to Jannah,” she said. “I have a question for her.”

Ben accompanied her back to the little building. “Jannah, if Ben wanted to add a name to his ident code from Chandrila, how hard would that be?”

Ben was speechless.

“I’d just have to put in a request through the official channels. It might take a day or so, but once they sign off on it, it would only take a few minutes to make the change,” Jannah answered.

Rey looked at him expectantly. “What are you waiting for?” she asked.

“For you to explain just what it is you think I need to do!” he exclaimed. “Do you really think I need to officially add Kylo Ren to my code? Have you lost your mind?”

“Not the Ren part. That didn’t belong to you anyway. But you should take back Kylo,” she said gently. “Ben, you aren’t just a legacy. You aren’t just the last Skywalker or the last of Luke’s Jedi or the last Viceroy of Alderaan. You’re you. Just you. And the people on this planet love you. You rescued them. They’re going to name their children Kylo after you. Not Ben—Kylo.”

Ben just stood there, unable to respond for a long moment. “I’ll think about it,” he finally replied. His obligations to the past and to ideals much bigger than him had always seemed so overwhelming, so suffocating at times. He recalled that little boy who just wanted to be Kylo and make the Kessel Run and not attend another function or hear another story. “I’ll think about it,” he repeated.

“Good.” Rey kissed his cheek and walked with him back to the Falcon.

“Are the Solos ready to head back to Ajan Kloss?” Rose asked with a huge grin as they stepped inside.

They looked at each other and nodded. “If everyone else is ready,” Rey replied. “Did Finn have enough time with his squad?”

“He’s saying goodbye now,” Rose said with a smile. “I think it was a good visit for them all. It gave Finn some closure.”

“So he isn’t coming back to visit sometime?” Ben asked.

Rose shrugged. “Maybe? Maybe not. We’ve been Finn’s family for a while. I think he’s ready to move on.” She sounded optimistic about it. The idea of moving on sounded really nice.

“Ben!” Poe called to him from beneath the ship. He descended the ramp and joined the pilot who was pointing across the landing field at the TIE. “We need that.”

The breath went out of Ben with a whoosh. “That’s a Special Forces superiority fighter. It’s a two seater.”

“Just like the one I stole,” Poe’s voice was reverential. “Pilot and navigator stations. Just what we need for Kessel.”

“Well, technically it’s pilot and gunner,” Ben commented as the two of them approached it. “But it looks like the guns have been removed.” It hurt a little to see her teeth pulled that way.

“So what is it doing here? Rusting away?” Poe sighed, pointing at the clear lack of maintenance. “Seems like a waste. A shame. We need it. I’ll be right back.”

Poe was back in a matter of minutes. “Jannah said it’s ours. She said if it will fly, she’s happy to get rid of it,” he declared joyfully. “All it does here is take up space.”

Ben felt a shiver run through him—either of dread or excitement—he wasn’t sure which. “It needs a test run before we trust our lives with it in deep space.”

“Agreed. I’m flying,” Poe declared as he headed toward the ship.

“Wait a minute,” Ben complained. “You’ve had exactly ten minutes in one of these. Before you crashed it. And you want to fly it first?”

“I only crashed because you shot it down,” Poe retorted.

“First of all, I didn’t shoot at you. That time. Second of all, I’m not trying to steal your fun. I’m just saying that this ship is an unknown quantity that you’re not familiar with. It could start up and then immediately begin to overheat. There would be no time to start hunting for the right controls. It just isn’t safe,” Ben told him, one hand on Poe’s shoulder. “If you want to go up with me, take the second seat.”

Poe studied him for several seconds then nodded and said, “But we better not tell Rey and Rose what we’re doing until we’re off the ground. They probably wouldn’t like it if both of us took a test flight at the same time.”

Ben frowned. “You should just stay then.”

“Hell, no! Get in the ship, Ben,” Poe commanded as he climbed up the access to the top hatch.

Ben slipped into the pilot’s seat, feeling both deeply at home and deeply uncomfortable at the same time. There are no guns on this ship, he reminded himself. He and Poe began the pre-flight check, double checking every readout. “Hey, this seat turns!” Poe exclaimed, swiveling the rear from backward to forward facing. “I was afraid I’d get sick flying backwards.” 

“That’s why it swivels,” Ben explained. “I was part of the design change on that one. We used these things for reconnaissance as well as attack. On long trips, the swivel seat makes life so much better for the gunner.”

He initialized the onboard computer. It asked for an authorization code, so he pressed his thumb to the input. “Kylo Ren authorized, top level clearance,” the text read across the screen as the built-in droid beeped its welcome.

“What does top level clearance give us, Kylo?” Poe asked with only a hint of snarkiness in the use of Kylo.

“Unrestricted access to performance and navigation,” Ben replied. And weapons targeting, he thought with a sigh of regret. He’d certainly used that feature in the past. 

“Everything checks out on my side,” Poe declared merrily. “Take us up!”

Ben engaged the lift cautiously, checking attitude and balance of thrust, tweaking compensation on the port side just a little. “I think we need to do some maintenance on the port thruster. Nothing awful.”

Poe tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to a poof of dirt and leaves that tumbled to the ground on the left side of the ship. Performance immediately improved. “I think she just needs a little love, don’t you, girl?” Poe actually patted the cockpit wall.

Ben rolled his eyes and increased speed, still keeping them relatively low to the ground until he finished running all the diagnostics.

“How much longer before you fly this thing and stop pushing it around the sky?” Poe asked just as the last deep diagnostic check ran to Ben’s satisfaction.

Instead of answering him, Ben hit the throttle, launching them out of the atmosphere in a matter of seconds, pushing the artificial gravity to the limit of its ability to dampen the acceleration forces. He couldn’t help his whoop of excitement and his huge grin as the ship performed exactly as he asked.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Poe shouted.

Ben checked the maneuverability with a few corkscrew spins, then set them into orbit around Kef Bir while Poe tested the nav system’s deep space calculations. The ship’s integrity seemed good and tight. “Nav looks good,” Poe reported. “Kessell here we come!”

 _“Where are you?”_ Rey called to him in the Force.

“Poe kidnapped me and made me fly a TIE fighter for him,” Ben answered her but spoke aloud as well for Poe’s benefit.

 _“You what?”_ she sounded a little put out. _“You two get back here before Jannah finds out you stole a ship!”_

He informed Poe of Rey’s concerns, then turned back toward the landing field.

“Aww!” Poe groaned. “Not yet! Just a few more minutes!”

“We’ll have plenty of time when we get back to Ajan Kloss,” Ben reminded him paternally, “if we can afford to keep this thing fueled. We’ve got enough to make the trip back, but not enough to just keep playing around forever.”

Poe sighed. “I forget that we don’t have unlimited access to fuel any more. Kinda makes me wish we were still fighting something. The ground can be so boring.”

Ben completely understood. “I know. It bothers me that I sometimes miss something that was so awful.”

“It’s okay, buddy,” Poe assured him with a pat to his shoulder. “We’ve got Tiny here to take care of us. But I fly home.”

Ben agreed, then threw the ship into a series of barrel rolls on his approach to the field. When Poe groaned, he stated, “I had to get those out of my system since you’re kicking me out of the seat.” Poe laughed as he set the ship down again. “How good do you feel about flying her back to Ajan Kloss alone?” Ben asked him.

“Fine,” Poe replied. “I’ll stay close to the Falcon. If something happens, you and Rey will Force rescue me.”

“Rey sounded pretty mad,” Ben said in a leading tone. “She might just let you drift for a while.”

“Then I’m counting on you to bring me in,” Poe stated as he popped the hatch. “I mean, we’ve got plans. Kessel was your idea. Now you owe me.”

Once on the ground completely, Ben stood back and let Poe take the lead of convincing the rest of the group that taking a Special Forces First Order TIE fighter back to their base at Ajan Kloss was a good idea.

“Just so you guys can indulge some childhood fantasy?” Rose asked in disbelief. “When I was little, I used to want my own tauntaun, but have I asked to go to Hoth?”

“Yes! I used to want one too!” Ben couldn’t help but exclaim. “I was going to name mine Yoda.” He looked up and added, “No offense, Master,” into the air just in case. Then he sidled up to Rose with a grin. “We could at least go see them in the wild. Hoth is nice this time of year.” Rose actually began to look interested. 

“Hoth is cold this time of year,” Poe declared firmly. “Hoth is cold every time of year. But we need this TIE. We do. Not just for me and Ben to play with--I mean fly.”

In the end, they left the TIE with Jannah to save fuel, but made firm plans for their upcoming attempt at the Kessel Run. “We will be back in a week and a half, okay?” Poe told her for the third time. “Don’t let anybody near our ship.”

Jannah rolled her eyes at him. “Just go. Go home!” she declared, physically pushing Poe up the ramp of the Falcon. “Nobody is going to hurt your precious TIE fighter.”

The return trip to Ajan Kloss should have taken longer than Poe’s shortcut, but since the shortcut turned out to be a disaster, they made much better time traversing the primary travel lanes. Once they hit hyperspace, everyone regrouped in the lounge area, Poe and Finn squaring off against each other at the game table while Rey, Ben, and Rose relaxed on the large sofa that circled the opposite wall.

Rose and Ben talked tauntauns while Rey listened, completely fascinated by the concept of an entire planet of ice. “We’ll go there,” Ben assured her. “I’ve never been either. I’ve only heard stories. But it’s cold. Like really dangerously cold.”

Finn and Poe argued over a rule, finally turning to Ben for a decision. “I’m with Finn on this one,” Ben stated.

“TIE buddy! No! You have to agree with me!” Poe pleaded then groaned as Finn triumphantly made his move, sending several of Poe’s game pieces holographically flying.

Finn laughed and gave Ben a big grin. Then he turned thoughtful. “It’s so crazy to think I’m here now with you guys doing this. My squad reminded me that it’s been nearly three years since they’d seen me. When I left, they were all shooting at me. Now they were actually glad to see me.It’s hard to believe how much everything has changed in such a short time.”

“Three years ago, I was scavenging parts on Jakku, trying to earn enough to eat,” Rey admitted, “and dreaming about what might be out there somewhere.”

“I was just grateful to have a place for me and Paige to sleep,” Rose said. “I kept busy fixing equipment, following orders, and trying not to call attention to myself.”

“I was breaking equipment, disobeying orders, and constantly begging for attention,” Poe said with a laugh.

“You still are.” “Sounds right.” “What’s changed?” came the chorus around him from the rest of the group.

They laughed, then it got quiet. Expectantly quiet.

Ben took a deep breath and began, “Three years ago, I was actively trying to kill all of you.” He sighed. “I probably owe you an explanation.”

Rose gave him a sad smile. “You don’t owe us anything. If you want to talk to us, do. But don’t feel like you have to. Not now, not ever.”

“I do though,” he disagreed. “Because of everything I did. Because of everybody I hurt.” Ben pulled his lightsaber off his side and laid it on the table in front of Rey. “I tried to kill all of you so many times I’ve lost count. And somehow, we’re still here, sitting in the Falcon acting like family. I mean, Rey actually married me this morning, and you were all happy for us.”

They looked at him expectantly but instead of getting easier, it got harder to begin. “How can you all possibly be my friend after everything I did?” Ben asked them plaintively. “And I’m so afraid … I’m so afraid to tell you what made me the person I was because if you knew one more awful thing about me you’d realize—” his voice choked in his throat “—you’d realize that you’ve made a huge mistake and you should have left me to die on Finalizer.”

He looked around at the group, terror gripping him. “The worst thing is no matter what I do or say right now, nothing changes,” Ben declared. “Everything still happened. That’s why I never told anybody. Not even Rey. And it’s over now so it really doesn’t even matter. I’m sorry, Rey. I can’t do it.” He ran his hand through his hair and stood to walk away.

Finn rose as well and placed a hand on his chest to stop him. “You can do this because you have to,” he declared in a very no-nonsense tone. “Because you tried to kill me with a lightsaber on Starkiller Base. Because you tortured Poe. Because I saw you stab Han through the chest. Because you threw Rey twenty feet into a tree.” 

Ben sat back down and clenched his fingers together to stop his hands from trembling. 

“And because I know the man in front of me would have never done any of these things,” Finn said gently as he put a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Whatever you used to be, you aren’t now.” Finn sat down again. “So talk. Get it out of your system. We’re listening, not judging.” 

“I don’t even know where to start,” Ben said quietly. 

“At the beginning. What’s the first thing you remember?” Rose asked.

Ben took a deep breath and began again. “The nightmares. When I was little, I’d wake up screaming every night.”

“I bet Han and Leia loved that,” Poe commented dryly.

“You don’t know the half of it. I was an awful kid,” Ben continued. “Imagine having someone whispering in your ear every moment of your life that no one loved you. Then imagine how much my mom and dad really did love me. Who do you listen to? Who’s right? How can you trust anyone? Or even yourself? I think that’s why I’m not that good at reading people,” he admitted.

“No, you’re not.” “Not at all.” “It’s okay.” Rey sent assurances to him that he was fine. Their honesty encouraged him to continue.

The ship hummed around them as he laid bare the story of his childhood, his youth, his years with Luke, his transformation to Kylo Ren, the constant conflict building inside him between what was real and what was fed to him by Palpatine’s dark voice inside him.

Sometimes they stopped him to ask questions. Sometimes they analyzed events and tried to figure out what kind of grand plan the Emperor had been crafting inside him. Sometimes they just sat quietly and supported him. But they listened and they didn’t judge. Finally he reached the point where his mother had intervened on Kef Bir, where he’d seen his father again, where he’d thrown away Kylo Ren--or at least tried to. 

Then Rey picked up the story. She told them how she’d taken his TIE to Ahch-to, hoping to just hide away. She even apologized to him and Poe for burning the Whisper, but said she wasn’t to try to burn his memory. It was to help herself stay strong.

“I was so afraid of what I’d done,” she admitted. “Ben, I almost killed you. While Leia was talking to you, I took advantage of that moment and stabbed you right through the chest and was glad about it.” Her voice broke and he could feel the shame pouring from her.

She took both his hands in hers. “Then I realized what I’d done. It was like I’d been another person in that moment. Somebody dark and awful. I was so ashamed and so horrified. I thought you’d hate me for it. When I finally got up the courage to face Palpatine on Exegol, I really thought I was on my own. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be strong enough to resist. That I’d turn into that awful monster I’d seen on Kef Bir.” 

She turned her face up to him, tears glistening in her eyes. “Then I felt you. You didn’t hate me. You loved me and you came for me. I knew that even if I died, I wouldn’t turn to the darkness because you were there with me. I knew that together we could be enough to defeat him.” 

“You didn’t need me,” Ben shook his head. “You were enough on your own, Rey. You turned all his evil back on himself somehow. You were stronger than him.” 

“I had a lot of help from a lot of Jedi,” she admitted. “But I did need you. I kept holding on to you. I kept fighting him for you because I could feel you down there. You were so badly hurt, but you still kept trying to get back to me. I knew if I lost, you were dead and I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let him kill you, Ben.” 

“So you let him kill you instead,” he said sadly. “You know I would have wanted it the other way.” 

“What? You would have wanted to haunt me and tease me with dreams I can’t remember until you fought your way back to my side through some mystical wall in the Force?” she teased. 

“If I had to. But it wouldn’t have taken nearly as long. I had a lot of crap to deal with before I was strong enough for you to return,” he replied. 

“And those people on Kef Bir and everywhere else in the galaxy would probably be dead,” Finn stated. “They all seemed really happy to be alive.” He clapped Ben on the shoulder. “Now that you’ve got that out of your system, will you please spar with me?”

“What?” Ben asked, utterly confused by the turn of conversation.

“Come on. I know you’ve had all kinds of moral dilemmas about not fighting me. I blame myself for part of it because of how I reacted to holding your lightsaber when we got it back,” Finn began earnestly. “But I can’t just spar with Rey and expect to improve like I would if I got to fight you too.” He clasped his hands together in front of him in very dramatic Finn-like fashion. “So please, Ben. At least once in a while let me try to learn to kick your ass.”

“Okay?” Ben replied. “But truthfully, my technique is not good. We all need to do a lot of work and a lot of study. I keep hoping maybe Ben Kenobi’s Force ghost will take pity on us and give us some classical instruction. Maybe now he will.”

The comms beeped to let them know they were approaching the end of their hyperspace segment, so Ben and Poe re-entered the cockpit. Ben slipped into the co-pilot’s seat and began the check.

“So. You feel better now?” Poe asked as he ran through his side of the systems review.

Ben nodded. “Yeah. I do.”

“Good,” Poe replied. “Now we gotta start deciding just where we’re going to start the run. We can’t get too close to the actual spice mines or the guards will open fire on us and we don’t have any guns.”

“And don’t want a fight,” Ben added.

Poe shrugged. “Anyway we don’t have any guns.”

They continued their discussion until they dropped out of lightspeed into Ajan Kloss’s space.

Once on the ground, Poe abandoned them to talk to the hangar boss about where to put Tiny as he kept referring to her. “She’s coming here,” Poe declared firmly to Ben. “We can’t let her stay out there abandoned and unloved.” 

“Okay,” Ben agreed, beginning to worry if Poe was developing an unhealthy relationship with the TIE. 

“I’ve seen him on a tear before,” Rose assured Ben as they walked back to the compound. Finn and Rey walked on ahead, discussing Finn’s next step in training. 

“So, you think he’ll settle down after a bit?” Ben asked. “Or should we worry that he and Tiny will sign a marriage cert?” 

Rose laughed. “No, he’ll settle down. He’s always so enthusiastic up front, but eventually it turns to work and he moves on to something else,” she sounded resigned. 

“I guess he does that with people too?” Ben guessed. 

“Ask the women around Ajan Kloss!” Rose replied with a hearty laugh. “But he’s stayed pretty tight with us. I think we really are more like family to him.” 

“And you’re the glue that holds the family together,” he concluded. 

She shook her head in denial. 

“No,” Ben contradicted her. “You are. We all lean on you and expect you to keep us sane.” 

“Really?” Rose sounded doubtful. 

“Tell me this. You’ve always been nice to me. Why?” Ben asked curiously. 

Rose took a few steps with him, thinking before answering. “I never knew Kylo Ren. I never met him. I’d heard stories from everyone else, especially Rey. We became close after we all got off Crait and came here. She would talk about how awful you were and how much she hated you, but there was always this undercurrent to it that told me there was something much deeper at work.” 

Ben listened carefully as she continued. “The first time she showed up after Exegol, I couldn’t really hear or see anything but a shadow and a quiet whisper. I think she was much stronger to Finn. But the one thing she made sure we knew over and over was that Ben Solo had come to help her. That she wouldn’t have defeated Palpatine without him.” She glanced up at him with a smile. “So when we finally met you in person on Nera, you weren’t Kylo Ren to me at all. I met Ben Solo.” 

They entered the front gate. “I’m glad to see you crossed that bridge with us on the way home. I know it wasn’t easy, but you needed to do it. There’s still plenty of stuff for you to work on. You’re not all the way there yet, but you are so much more yourself than you were when I first met you.” She patted him on the arm as she turned to head into the main building. “See you at dinner!” 

He glanced around the courtyard. For students with a day off, it seemed that all of them were busy doing something--meditating, trying their hand at making a rock levitate, squaring off hand to hand against a training droid, reading, writing. 

Rey and Finn had taken fighting stances but side by side with a droid in front of them. Rey wrestled with trying to get the droid to move like she needed it to in order to demonstrate her point. He hesitated, then put his shoulders back and walked over, igniting his lightsaber as he did. “Need a third?” he asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this is nearly done! And I apologize that this chapter is super long. I just couldn't find a satisfying place to cut it. 
> 
> Meanwhile--next is the end. Promise.


	24. Chapter 24

EPILOGUE

“It doesn’t matter how many times we do this, Poe,” Ben shouted over the whine of Tiny’s engines, “we are not going to break eleven!”

“You got this!” Poe called back from the navigator’s position. “We’re going to get just a little closer to the mines this time. That’ll do it. I promise!”

The brown and orange surface of Kessel spun dangerously close beneath them. “You’re insane!” Ben yelled back at him. “We can’t get any closer than 1,000 klicks of that mine without triggering their perimeter!”

“It’ll be fine,” Poe assured him. “You’ve lost them before. Just get closer to the Maw. They’ll back off.”

“Closer to the Maw?” Ben could not believe his ears. “Have you lost your mind? We almost lost life support last time!”

“But we didn’t! Come on, buddy, I’ve got a bet with Finn. We can do this!” Poe assured him. Then the proximity alarm began to beep. “Looks like we’ve got company off our starboard side.”

Ben checked the display. “Damn it, Poe! Those are TIE Baron interceptors! Where the hell did they get interceptors?”

“Just outrun them.” Poe sounded entirely too calm about this development.

“We can’t outrun them! Did you not hear me just say they were Baron interceptors?” Ben turned sharply away from their flight path and headed straight out of atmosphere.

“What are you doing?” Poe yelled. “We can take them!”

“With what?” Ben cried back at him. “Our wit and good looks? Poe, we do not have any guns! They do!”

They hit the first layer of the maelstrom that surrounded Kessel traveling entirely too fast. Ben wrestled against the particle storm that threatened to tear the ship apart, using every bit of his ability with the Force to just keep the wings on. Green bolts of plasma ripped past them as the interceptors continued to pursue.

“Woohoo!” Poe shouted from the rear, but his cry of excitement only pissed Ben off. He dove into a particularly turbulent cloud, heading deeper into it than he wanted. The ship shivered convulsively around them, but the maneuver worked and the patrol broke pursuit, evidently deciding that their lives were worth more than chasing down a couple of idiots joy-riding the Kessel Run.

The ship finally broke through into the primary clearing that lay between the spirals around Kessel. Angrily Ben invoked his top security credentials to override Poe’s navigational controls and set the safest, slowest, most boring course back to Ajan Kloss that he could devise.

He mentally blocked out Poe’s protests and focused on making sure the ship still held integrity.

_“Are you okay?”_ Rey asked.

He pulled the bond close to him and let himself soak in her presence as he answered, _“I am going to kill Poe. But other than that, we’re fine. We’re headed in.”_

_“Good. I miss you.”_

_“I’ve been gone eight hours,”_ he replied, then added sincerely, _“I miss you too. We’ll be home soon. Don’t wait up though. It will be late.”_

_Rey laughed. “As if we get any sleep anymore! Take your time. You need this.”_

The connection faded back to a constant thread of belonging that ran through his spirit. He took a few deep meditative breaths and tuned back in to Poe’s complaints.

“Come on! Let’s at least ride the Corkscrew on our way out,” he moaned.

Ben unbuckled his restraints and turned around to kneel backwards in the seat, the top of his head uncomfortably pressed against the hatch so he could look his co-pilot in the eyes. “What in the name of creation is WRONG with you? We both just nearly died and you want to go again?!”

The little ship was completely silent as Poe just stared at him. 

“Zorii’s pregnant,” his friend said at last.

Ben sat back. “Whoa,” he breathed. “Okay.” They sat in silence together for a long moment before Ben asked, “You want to talk?”

“No!” Poe cried in frustration. “I want to jump in an X-wing and blow stuff up!”

“We don’t have any guns,” Ben reminded him with a shake of his head. He wondered where to start, finally deciding that the beginning was as good a place as any. “So tell me again how long you and Zorii have been together.”

“Honestly, we’ve been sleeping together occasionally for nearly twenty years. We’ve tried to have an actual relationship off and on for a total of maybe five years of that,” Poe answered. “She says I’m like a bad habit she can’t quit.”

“What about you? Have you been able to quit either?” Ben asked.

Poe watched the nebula pass by the window. “No,” he finally admitted. “And the past couple of years has been better than I thought it could be. I mean she moved here—to Ajan Kloss. Something’s different about her. Like her edges are softer. It’s been nice.”

“So what’s the problem?” Ben asked gently. “It’s not like you don’t have experience with kids. They all love their Uncle Poe.”

Poe laughed despite himself. “I don’t know. The rest of you make it look so easy--especially you and Rey.”

“Having kids? You should see us between midnight and dawn every evening,” Ben groaned and turned around again in his seat to get more comfortable for the long flight.

“No. Having a relationship.” Poe settled back as well.

Ben couldn’t help but laugh at that. “It’s not like Rey had a choice. The Force stuck her with me from the time she was born. And she spent the first two years of our relationship trying to kill me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Poe responded. “But you are still so good together. I’ve seen you fight over stuff. But you get over it and stick together even when you’re mad at each other.”

“I better get over it. You’ve seen Rey angry. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that,” Ben replied firmly.

Poe snickered at him. “Yes, you do. I’ve seen you push her just for fun. You know you like it.”

Ben grinned sheepishly. “Okay, you got me. She’s an awful lot of fun to make up with.” He checked their coordinates out of habit. “So how is that different from you and Zorii? Do you feel like she doesn’t have your back?”

Poe sighed. “I do. That’s what is so weird about now. For the first time since I’ve known her, I really feel like she does. I don’t know. It’s like she decided something or crossed a line. Since she came back here, I’ve felt like she really meant to stay this time.”

“And you don’t feel this way?” If he twisted around a little, he could see Poe’s reflection in the glass just behind him. His friend looked troubled indeed.

“I want to. But you know me.” Poe rubbed at his face. “It was honestly easier when I knew she’d move on after a while, maybe after we had a fight or after one of us got too clingy. Now we’re having a baby.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Ben, we are having a baby. I can’t do this.”

Ben could feel the anxiety and fear rolling off of Poe. He’d felt very much the same way once. “When Rey found out she was pregnant with Kesden, I panicked. What right did I have to even think about raising a child after the way I screwed up my own life? And why in creation should I be rewarded with something so wonderful when I absolutely did not deserve it?” 

He shook his head at the memory. “But I got over it. It wasn’t easy and I sometimes still feel like there’s no way I should have this life, but I do my best and I’m grateful every single minute for it.”

Poe still looked forlorn.

“So what’s your hang-up?” Ben asked after a few minutes of silence.

Poe caught his eyes in the reflection. “I’m afraid I won’t stick around.”

“Like you’ll die?” Ben asked. “If that’s true, why were you just trying to kill both of us?”

Poe hmphed, then frowned. “What if I don’t have it in me to stick around? What if I just can’t sit still long enough? You know how I am. I’m always moving on to the next thing. What if I do that to my kid?”

Ben suddenly recalled the first time he met Poe. It was unfortunately during interrogation, but he still remembered his initial contact with the pilot’s mind.

Bravado up front. Anxiety, understandable anxiety, right behind it. Then deep cores of courage and resolve. But underneath it all, the thing he dug at, the weakness he preyed on to get him to break, was an irrational certainty that it wouldn’t last. Whatever he did, whatever he loved, whatever he tried to accomplish, in the end it wouldn’t last because nothing ever did. 

When Kylo Ren leaned heavily and painfully onto that particular fear, the pilot had weakened rapidly, finally unable to conceal the location of the plans. 

“Remind me,” Ben began, “how old were you when your parents came back home after the Rebellion?”

“About six.”

“How old were you when your mom died?” Ben asked.

“Eight.”

“When your dad died?”

“Nineteen.” Poe sighed. “I see where you’re going with this. So you’re saying I’m afraid I’ll die and leave him behind like I got left behind. But I’m not. Not really. I’m not afraid I’ll die. I’m afraid I’ll just leave.”

“Because you always do,” Ben suggested.

“Yeah. I always cut and run. I ran out on Zorii a bunch of times over the years. I’ve loved and left so many women in the Resistance—I mean, I’ve got an ex on most of the planets in the known galaxy. I always cut and run,” Poe complained.

“And you’ve never stuck with anybody or anything long enough for them to leave you?” Ben asked. “You leave first, right?”

“Zorii left me a couple of times over the years,” Poe admitted. “It hurt. Really bad.”

“But now you feel like she’s going to stay?”

“Yeah.”

“But even with a kid in the picture, you think you’ll leave?”

“I don’t want to. I want to stay with Zorii. I’ve loved her ever since I first laid eyes on her—even with her helmet on,” Poe admitted. “And now there’s a kid. I’m terrified of being responsible for something that little and helpless. It’s going to need me and I’m afraid I’ll just let it down.” He sounded truly despondent.

“You won’t,” Ben assured him.

“How do you know I won’t?” Poe asked sharply.

“Because you never left the Resistance. If you ever should have cut and run, it was after Jakku. You’d made a mess of everything. You’d just given up all the information we needed to find BB-8 and Luke’s location. You’d just crashed your TIE and killed your rescuer. So why didn’t you run then?” Ben knew he was being harsh, but his friend needed a dose of reality.

“You asshole! I can’t believe this is what you’re bringing up right now!” Poe actually slapped him in the back of the head. “I gave him up because you fucking tortured me! And I didn’t kill Finn!” 

“I know, damn it! I know!” Ben leaned forward out of reach. “But you thought you did! You thought it was all over and that you’d failed in your mission completely. But you found a way off Jakku and went back anyway. You went back and you told Mom everything. Why? It would have been easier to just run away from all of it,” Ben continued to press him, hoping that somehow Poe would make a breakthrough.

“Because! Because it was the Resistance! It was something more important than me and what I wanted for once!” Poe declared.

“And how much more important than you are Zorii and the baby?” Ben felt so close.

“They mean everything! All I want is to take care of her and that baby!” Poe yelled back at him. Then he sat back and breathed heavily for several seconds. “Shit. I’m going to be a father. Oh man. Cover your ears while I’m on comms, okay?”

Ben nodded and covered his ears, but he still heard every word of Poe’s call to Zorii on Ajan Kloss. “Hey, babe, we’re on our way back … No, we bailed on it … Too much heat … Yeah, we’ll be home soon… You feeling okay?... Good. Call Rey or Rose if you need anything until I get there, okay?... I love you … I will.”

They flew in silence for several minutes. “Thanks,” Poe said at last.

“No problem.” Ben checked their location. “We could shave off a couple of hours if we took the Corkscrew. You still game?”

Poe thought for a minute. “Yeah, but be careful. We’ve got families to think of.”

-0-

It was well past midnight on Ajan Kloss when they finally landed. “Tiny, I will miss you,” Poe said as he ran his hand down her wing.

“What are you talking about? We’re not going to quit flying,” Ben informed him in no uncertain terms. “We’re just not going to be stupid about it.”

They parted ways at the turnoff to the little house Poe shared with Zorii. A light rain began to fall as Ben walked the rest of the way home on his own. Ajan Kloss was never cold, but the rainy season could get cool and by the time he hit the door, he was fairly damp and chilled. He shrugged out of his jacket and slung it over a chair in the little dining area, then made his way down the hall. A low light shone through a crack in the doorway of his daughter’s room. He pushed it open quietly.

Rey sat with her eyes closed in the small chair next to the crib, Mara sound asleep in her arms. Ben gently eased the baby away from her, sending Rey quiet assurances as her eyes flickered open. “I’ve got her,” he said. “Go on to bed.”

Rey yawned and whispered, “Thank you,” as Ben carefully moved the baby to the mattress, one hand resting on her little blonde head until she settled again into slumber.

“Good night, sweetheart,” he whispered to her, listening to her quiet baby noises for a few minutes before leaving the room.

As he passed Kesden’s room, he heard the little boy whimper. He paused and peered through the doorway. Kes lay on his side, his arms wrapped around his stuffed tauntaun, his little dark head contrasting with the white of his pillowcase. Then he cried out softly in fear and began to wrestle with the blankets.

A sudden flash of his own frequent nightmares lanced through Ben and he froze at the doorway. He knew that it was over. He knew the evil that had haunted and possessed him from before he was born was long gone, defeated by his powerful Jedi wife. But he also knew that he would hunt down and violently murder anyone or anything who thought they’d lay a hand on his children.

So he entered his son’s room and sat on the edge of the bed, one hand hovering over the sleeping boy. He gently eased into his mind, something he’d sworn he would never do again, especially without permission. But fear drove him and he peered deeply into his son’s thoughts. No dark evil lurked inside, only the simple bad dream of a child.

He felt Kesden stir awake and withdrew rapidly, feeling a little guilty and a great deal relieved. 

“Daddy?” he whispered. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, kid. It’s me. You okay?” Ben asked him quietly. 

“I had a bad dream.” Kesden’s big brown eyes filled with tears and his lip began to tremble. 

“Everything’s okay, buddy,” Ben said, reaching out to his son. Kes crawled into his lap and snuggled against his chest. “You want me to tell you a story until you go back to sleep?” 

“Mama sings to me,” Kes replied. “Will you sing to me?” 

“Yeah,” Ben agreed and began. “Little baby, rest your head …” 

In only a few minutes, Kesden had settled again, his eyes drifting shut. Ben tucked him back into bed, the little boy’s arms wrapping again around the stuffed animal. “Good night,” he whispered as he left the room. 

Ben yawned and pulled off clothing as quietly as possible as he entered their bedroom. Rey lay curled up beneath the covers, but her eyes opened when he lay down beside her. She moved close to him, wrapping her arm over his chest. “So you and Poe didn’t do the run?” she asked. 

“No. Did you know Zorii was pregnant?” he asked. 

“She told us this afternoon after you guys had left,” Rey answered. “Was he freaking out about it?” 

“A little,” Ben admitted. “But he got better. I think he’s just scared he won’t be up for it.” 

“Then he should join the club. I think all of us have been terrified--except Finn. He was too clueless to be scared,” Rey commented lightly. “That will make five between us. Can you believe it?” 

“No. It still feels like a really great dream. Sometimes I’m afraid that any second I’m going to wake up in my bunk on Finalizer completely alone,” Ben said softly. He rolled up on his elbow to look down at her, so beautiful, her entire being so full of love. She reached up and pushed his hair from his eyes. He caught her hand and pressed the palm to his lips. “Then I look at you and I remember that I was never alone.” 

Outside the window, the rain ceased. The clouds began to clear, revealing the deep black of space. He held her close, his dark to her light, his light to her dark, and loved her with everything he had, everything he was, and everything he ever would be as the stars wheeled up above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sigh! Well, that's all folks! I sure hope you've enjoyed the ride because I've really enjoyed writing it! And I do hope everything paid off for you as desired. Feel free to drop a note to let me know you read. I love you all and thank you so much for all the support along the way!


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